A Barely Breathing Story: Chapter Five

[jesterladyfic]

Chapter Five: Buffy and the Engagement Announcement

Buffy’s never drinking ever again. Either that or she’s gonna drink all the time until she’s used to it. She hasn’t decided yet, but the memory of her morning after is leaning her towards the former. She clings to making decisions like that because they lead her away from the more important ones. What job to find, how to be a big sister, should she go back to school…and the two big ones: should she continue her relationship with Spike and how the hell does she live in this world?

The assault on her senses has dulled a bit, but sometimes she thinks she prefers that pain to this emptiness. This world is nothing. She thinks she can understand some bits of Christianity now because how could anyone possibly pick this world over wherever Buffy’s been ripped out of? She thinks of death and it’s not terror she feels, it’s peace. That scares her because she thinks it should scare her and because she knows it would scare the people who love her. But the death wish Spike informed her she has is rearing its head a lot more these days.

She’s never backed down from anything and she doesn’t plan on starting now. But…life is killing her in a way that death didn’t accomplish. Everything is too hard, overwhelming to the point of panic, and she can’t bring herself to care about anything she’s supposed to. Nothing compares to the heaven she’s experienced and it’s like she told Spike, it was for longer than one summer. She has trouble remembering things like people she went to high school with or when Dawn’s birthday is.

But she can’t just live like she feels because this world isn’t built for that. It’s not built for anything other than working and playing and being second best. But her friends don’t know that, Dawn doesn’t know that. And she has to set aside everything for them, again. Always again. Never rest and peace and grace, always fighting, clawing, struggling. She’s sick to death of it and if only it were that literal.

Still, she loves them. She can remember love, that’s the easiest thing to remember. She feels the connection between her to these people and that’s why she tries. She tries so hard, nobody knows how hard. She has to keep her dreadful secret and live and work and be Buffy. Slaying, puns, fashion, and all. Because she doesn’t want to be what she was before she died, but she wants to be that more than she wants to be whatever she is now.

And only he understands that. The others are grasping on the edges of her vision, clinging and needing and she wants to grab hold of them and brush them away; she wants it to stop. He’s simply there, the exact right distance, and sometimes he gets her drunk and sometimes he tells her about his own guilt, but mostly he’s just always right. And it’s so wrong that he is the one who’s right.

She can’t remember the two of them most of all and that’s sad whenever she looks at him. She knows that he’s been her right arm and support for so long and she knows how much he loves her and she knows what he did for her and for her family. She wants to give in to the feeling of comfort he can provide and she would like nothing better than to let him take away the emptiness for awhile. But she can’t.

If she does it won’t be for him because all her giving is going in a-not-Spike direction and that’s so not fair, but apparently that’s life. She needs right now, she drains joy and love out of the atmosphere, she has nothing to give him and what she does remember is that she promised him she wouldn’t do that anymore.

So they just are and she knows he’s waiting, but at least he’s waiting and not demanding. He’s the strong helpmate on her patrols and he’s the one who makes Dawn go to bed at night and he’s the one who holds her dreadful secret and that much she can give him.

Veronica’s easier than Willow or Xander right now. She’s not perfect and she doesn’t understand and she wants something too, they all want something, but she doesn’t demand either and Veronica’s never conspired to rip someone out of heaven.

So Buffy agrees to the lunch date and meets her on campus and manages to actually enjoy herself a little bit as they don’t really talk about anything serious unless it’s on Veronica’s side of the friendship.

“You like your classes so far?”

“I do. I wasn’t really thinking about it, but college is kind of the life, you know? I miss some people, but I don’t miss Neptune at all.”

Buffy sips at her water.

“I think I felt like that once.”

Veronica’s face goes all sympathetic and Buffy changes the subject to the Magic Box and how Anya needs help with the holiday rush.

“Holiday?”

“Halloween. It’s a big thing for non-serious magic users or wannabes. They tend to get a little overzealous and storm the place.”

“I guess Halloween is probably your big night.”

“Not so much actually. Real monsters and beasties tend to keep close to the crypts on Halloween. Sort of a protest almost.”

“Cool, so like a night off for you then?”

“Not the last couple of years. There was the time where we all got turned into our costumes or the time when we got trapped in a real haunted house by the demon of fear.”

Veronica shakes her head and Buffy is proud of herself because she has to work hard to bring those memories back to life.

“So should I be worried?”

“Probably not. We’ll all work to death and then eat candy, I might patrol later.”

“I’ll come by and help, still new in town and all. Not like I’ve been invited to a lot of parties.”

“Well, you moved to a town with pre-packaged friends,” Buffy says, smiling at her.

“I am thankful for that,” Veronica replies. “Life is really hard and change is difficult.”

“Tell me about it,” Buffy says. “Try crawling out of your grave after…”

Veronica waits, almost as patiently as Spike, but not quite, which is ironic, in and of itself.

“After?” she prompts.

“Never mind,” Buffy says because she’s not ready to give that secret up again, but she can’t just say nothing either. “I have changes going on. And that changes things. So how can I just live with that? Does everything pop back to normal like putting the cork back in the champagne or do you not have a relationship with a vampire anymore?”

Veronica chuckles a little and Buffy does too because it really is too ridiculous.

“I take it you’re worried about being with Spike?”

“However did you guess?”

“People say I’ve got mean detect-ing skills and they’re right.”

“So what can you detect about the situation?”

“Not a whole lot without some evidence. What’s happening?”

“I’m newly undead and he’s long undead and that worked before but it wasn’t supposed to work before and now he’s doing better than I am which is wholly unfair due to previously stated undead-and-not-supposed-to-work rules and yet he’s the only person I can even think about talking to. Almost, seeing as how I’m currently speaking to you.”

Veronica smiles and leans back in her chair.

“So you don’t want to pick up where you left off?”

“Shouldn’t I? I mean, isn’t this is the part of the story where the heroine miraculously comes back to life and the hero gets the girl past all hope?”

“No, this is the part of the story where the heroine dies to save the world and gets brought back to life and is understandably confused about life and all her relationships, not just the one with the hero.”

“Typical storybook romance, huh?”

“Perhaps. On the other hand, you’re both rather prone to blindsiding yourselves and being really stubborn.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You want the Veronica Mars consult, you get the full deal. All I gotta say since you’re both particular friends of mine is that going slow right now is nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. It’s gonna suck for awhile. But Logan always likes to give me smart aleck remarks about time healing wounds and things like that. Besides, your relationship was real and that’s not something that’s going to go away just cause a little death entered the picture.”

“You’re laying a whole lot of common sense on a taxed out brain,” Buffy says, but she feels like fifty thousand light bulbs just went on over her head.

“Sorry. Logan’s rubbing off on me, but don’t tell him that.”

“Your secret is safe with me. A lot of secrets are. I’m like a bank vault full.”

“From Spike?”

“Not all, but I haven’t talked about any of this with him.”

“Last bit of advice before you kick my ass? Talk to him. Cause you’re talking to the queen of keeping things from her boyfriends and having it blow up in her face. Communication is key and all that other healthy relationship crap.”

“I’ll bear it in mind,” Buffy says because she honestly can’t handle any more wisdom and advice right now even though she’s thankful for what she got. “Thanks.”

“No worries. Now I gotta get to class. I hear they frown on you being late.”

“Bye,” Buffy says and is glad Veronica is leaving because then she won’t have to pretend to eat anymore.

Her appetite is what would be called nil these days.

But she’s got Slayer strength to make up for that. So she goes and she works her tail off for Anya because it’s better than sitting at home and doing Angel imitation brooding.

She’s not thinking about Spike at all so when Anya tells her to go down and get some mandrake root she jumps a mile when she sees him and they both shift awkwardly for a moment as they have been doing the avoiding thing since the kitten poker incident.
“Bell. Neck. Look into it,” she says.

“Come with a nice leather collar, does it?” he asks, looking amused and she changes the subject in a hurry.

“What are you doing lurking down here?”

“Came through the tunnels,” he says, holding up some tangled mess of what looks like poison ivy. “Running low on burba weed. Stir it in with the blood. Makes it all hot and spicy.”

She makes a face because the last thing she needs is a reminder that her technically-labeled-as-such boyfriend drinks blood.

“I thought you'd had it to the brim with customer disservice,” he says, probably correctly interrupting her look.

Stupid, perceptive vampire.

“One time deal to help out. And I mean straight time. No loop-de-loop-mummy-hand-repeat-o-vision.”

And then they’re back to the awkward so Buffy looks around wildly.

“Where's the mandrake root?”

“Um...here,” he says, looking around and getting one down. “Only three to a jar.” He gives one to her. “Tend to go a bit wonky if you cram them too close.”

“Thanks,” she says.

He shifts a bit on his feet and then apparently makes up his mind.

“Feel like a bit of the rough and tumble?”

All coherent thought flies out of her head in one rush. How to even answer that. Does she want to…well, yeah, she remembers that bit just fine. But there’s so much more to them than that.

“What?”

He raises an eyebrow like she’s stupid. Well, maybe she came back stupid. She certainly feels stupid anyway.

“Patrolling? Hello?”

Relief she’s prepared for, disappointment she’s not. But she still can’t. She just can’t talk to him.

“Oh. Uh, I...should stay. Maybe tomorrow.”

He nods and she can see the disappointment but only because she’s looking for it. Still, it’s awkward and weird and uncomfortable and he leaves, mumbling something about the Great Pumpkin. She shakes her head and sighs.

“So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me,” she tells herself and heads back upstairs to the chaos.

It’s a long night. Very long and it’s not even night yet. Still the never-ending line of customers slows to nothing eventually and clean up begins. Veronica looks exhausted and Buffy doesn’t blame her. It gets a little awkward when Willow tries to use magic to clean up and Giles and Tara nearly have a conniption fit, but then Anya starts counting the money and Xander starts ignoring what Buffy’s saying about his lame pirate costume.

Anya’s obviously very pleased by the night and by Veronica’s help and even offers her a job which Veronica accepts. Now Anya is teaching her money dance to Dawn and Dawn’s having fun for which Buffy is grateful.
“You do this every night?”

“Every time I close out the cash register. The dance of capitalist superiority.”

Xander is watching them dancing like he’s on a desert island and sees a rescue ship and Buffy’s a little confused.

“I'm gonna marry that girl,” he says softly.

“What? She's fifteen and my sister, so don't ev- oh.”

She’s a little slow on the uptake, see above re: mentioned stupidity, but she’s been dead so…

Xander stands up and walks over to the counter and puts his arm around Anya’s shoulders.

“Hey, everybody. Can I, um, uh...there's something Anya and I...wanna tell you.”

“Now?” Anya asks him.

“Now,” he tells her firmly then turns to everyone else. “We're getting married.”

Congratulations erupt from the masses though Buffy notices Willow looks less than pleased and that worries her a bit.

“I thought you were waiting for the right moment,” Anya says, looking up at Xander and he gazes down at her with such an expression of fondness on his face that Buffy feels guilty for having noticed.

“I did.”

Then there was a lot of kiss-age and Buffy tries not to feel jealous or surreal about the whole thing.

Anya laughs and throws her money away which says more than any words could have but she does anyway.

“I mean, I am the luckiest ex-demon in the world. I mean, to be able to find the one person in all dimensions that I was meant to be with, and have everything work out exactly as I dreamed. I mean, how often does the universe allow that to happen?”

While the phrase ‘I mean’ will never be usable again, Buffy wonders that herself because as far as she’s concerned the only thing that has ever gone right for her was dying and even that had been messed up eventually. Still, she can’t deny the love her friends are sharing and she misses that. She doesn’t know if it’s ever been truly real and right for her, star-crossed vampire/Slayer loving aside, but it’s something to think about while she’s messing around trying to figure out what to do about Spike.

So they throw a party at her house and she vaguely wonders why they couldn’t do it at the actually-engaged-couple’s house but doesn’t for long. It’s all earthly wonderful and a little bit like home and she can almost say she’s happy.

Then she and Dawn go into the kitchen for more dip and Tara and Willow are arguing about something strongly and she feels bad again because love isn’t universally fair. She isn’t so involved in her own pain that she’s ignorant of the fact that ever since she’s been back Tara has been avoiding Willow and sleeping in Dawn’s room or at friend’s houses or at Veronica’s and it makes her feel guilty since it’s her being brought back that started it.

She and Dawn stand there while Tara brushes past them and Willow doesn’t speak about it and Buffy doesn’t feel right forcing confidences when it’s technically her fault and she’s not exactly sharing with Willow right now anyway.

Then Dawn goes over to Janice’s and Buffy has the feeling she should be thinking something about that but she doesn’t.

Instead she just hangs out and calms Xander down when he starts to freak out over wedding plans which Anya is delving into with gusto and she inwardly has time to sigh over the stereotypical nature he’s displaying, but he’s Xander and he’s her best friend and she can’t quite mind all the way.

But she does want to get away from all of it herself and she’s wished since she talked to him that she took Spike up on his offer to patrol so she goes to patrol herself and finds the typical ambulances and police cars one expects to see in Sunnydale but the situation looks very vamp-like to her so she rushes to find Spike. Any excuse really.

But when she finds him he informs her that Dawn’s gone missing while playing rebellious teenager with Janice and Buffy groans at her own stupidity. Still…that’s something and Spike’s worry is obvious and that makes her feel better. It reminds her of when Dawn found out she was the Key and Spike had helped look for her and had been so…Spike…but so there for her.

She can’t think about this now, she has nothing but thoughts in her head, and she’s always been an action girl.

They head toward the parks and the cemeteries and then there’s shouting and that’s when her blood starts to burn and she’s feeling something.

It helps that Giles and Dawn are there, surrounded by vampires and Dawn was apparently parking with a vampire. She ignores her own head’s attempts to make jokes about family similarities and yells. It’s good to yell.

“Were you parking! With a vamp?”

“I-I didn't know he was dead!” Dawn protests.

“Living dead,” the vamp in question points out.

“Shut up!” Dawn tells him.

“How could you not know?”

Giles mumbles something about Angel but Buffy ignores him.

“I just met him!”

“Oh! Oh, so you were parking in the woods with a boy you just met.”

“We've seen each other at parties,” he tries to talk again and Buffy wonders why he doesn’t get that this is sister-fighting time.

Slaying afterwards.

“Shut up.” She turns back to Dawn. “I don't believe you.”

“Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?”

Buffy avoids looking at Spike.

“That was different.”

“It always is when it's you.”

The various other vampires are apparently getting restless.

“Uh, excuse me, can we fight now?”

Buffy sighs and looks around.

“Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out?” A couple in the back raise their hands and Buffy rolls her eyes. “Aw, that's sweet. You run.” They do and Buffy feels her blood rise again. “You scream,” she tells the vampires.

She needs to slay something. She does. It’s glorious. The fights and the brawls she’s had haven’t been this good since she got back, that first night that’s still a blur, notwithstanding. Maybe she’s turned some corner or maybe the heaven vision is wearing off, either way she wants to keep fighting. She’s thinking about nothing else. Giles is shouting something and Spike’s lecturing the vamps he’s dusting about properly staying in on Halloween and Dawn’s…

Dawn.

Buffy’s haze breaks and it’s heartbreaking but she thinks about her sister and finds her shaking after dusting the vampire.

Buffy knows this is serious and knows she should say something, but she feels like everything she had to give was just given to the vampires and that’s not fair, but that’s what she feels like.

So she takes Dawn home where Willow and Tara seem to be magically speaking again. Veronica goes home after she finds out Dawn’s all right and Giles tells Buffy that something has to be done about Dawn.

She agrees, even if she doesn’t know what she can do about it. Without even really thinking about it she assumes he’ll take care of it and starts to walk out, but he stops her and makes her go with him instead and when they get in there Dawn’s sobbing into Spike’s arms and she feels both left off the hook and that she’s a terrible human being and sister.

“Is this wise?” Giles asks and she looks at him a moment.

“Wasn’t he the one taking care of her while I was gone?” she says, and leaves.

On one hand she’s tired and on the other she wants to fight something again. On one hand she wants to help heal the trauma her sister’s been through and on the other she wants to shake her for being so careless. On one hand she wants to yell at Giles and tell him he shouldn’t have left and on the other she wants to beg him never to leave her again. On one hand she’s happy for Xander and Anya and their happiness and on the other she wants to hate them for being happy when she isn’t. On one hand she wants to jump Spike’s bones and never leave his bed and on the other she just wants to never have to deal with him again.

Which hand’s stronger, she doesn’t know. Right now any version of Spike and bed sounds good but she doesn’t have the strength to go down and speak to him again before he leaves. She can feel it when he goes.