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jesterladyficTitle: Chuck Cunningham Syndrome
by Jesterlady
Rating: PG-13
Characters: The Ninth Doctor, Cordelia Chase, Logan Echolls
Fandom: Doctor Who, Angel, Veronica Mars Red Dwarf, Toy Story, Road to Avonlea, The Middleman, Step by Step, Family Matters, Roseanne, The West Wing, Star Trek: The Next Generation, All My Children, Happy Days with special appearances by X-Men, Pirates of the Caribbean, Are You Being Served and a great deal of the cast of Saved by the Bell and Boy Meets World
Summary: The Doctor is just minding his own business when Cordelia Chase and Logan Echolls pop into the Tardis, now they're off on a tv trope adventure to find out what's disrupting reality. If only fictional characters would stop dropping by.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these fandoms, especially DW, ATS or VM. I owe a great deal to www.tvtropes.com and all of the chapter titles are a play on tropes found there. Written for the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
scifibigbang 2011.
A/N: Many thanks to my beta,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
exmanhater and to rainyrocket for her artwork.
Chapter Eight: The Van Came Back
It was hard to pilot the Tardis alone - the Doctor was in full realization of that, having done it for most of his nine hundred plus years. Back in his first body it had been nearly impossible even with Susan's help. But it was infinitely harder to do when he had a bunch of teenagers and a motorcycle-riding English teacher shouting in his ear and messing with the console and wandering around the Tardis. Logan and Cordelia were no help at all as they sat back and laughed at his discomfort. He swore that if Miss Bliss and that Minkus kid didn't stop fighting, he was going to do something incredibly drastic.
And then they were gone. Mercifully, they were all gone. His two companions were left
grinning at him and he glared at them as ferociously as he knew how. He wanted to take them
straight to some ice rings he knew of in a galaxy far far away and leave them there for a week,
and said as much.
“Don't threaten us so, Doc,” Logan said, having developed a horrible propensity for
calling him that. “We'd never survive without you.”
“And Logan would be dead,” Cordelia said sweetly. The Doctor turned away and leaned
over the Tardis console, trying to make sure everything was okay.
“No, no, no!” he cried, momentarily wishing he had hair so he could pull at it in
anguish. “I wish I hadn't send them back, I'd make them-”
“Something wrong, I presume?” Logan asked.
“Brilliant deduction there,” the Doctor snarled. “Those idiots have gone and ruptured
and pulled and broken and tweaked their little brains out and it's going to take me a week to
fix it all.”
“Anything we can do to help?” Cordelia asked politely.
“You have any idea how to take apart and put back together my fabulous ship with parts
unheard of on Earth?”
“I'm not going to dignify that with a response,” she said loftily. “I think I'm going
to step on through to the wardrobe. If you'll excuse me...” She exited and the Doctor
groaned; he was definitely having a bad influence on her.
“I suppose you want to do something like that too?” he inquired of Logan. “You want to
swan off and leave me to do all the work?”
“Of course,” Logan said and exited, presumably toward the kitchen. The Doctor couldn't
really blame him. He was being unreasonable. But he had a perfect right to be and he was
going to keep on with it. He started pulling up panels and getting out tools. It was going to
be a long week.
***
Logan caught up with Cordelia before she could get to the wardrobe.
“I wonder if something's really wrong,” she said.
“Nah, I think he's grousing for the sake of it. You know how he is, he doesn't want to
admit he wants us around and, let's face it, we weren't very helpful during the sitcom
invasion.”
“No, but you have to admit, it was funny.”
“Hilarious,” Logan agreed, “but I'm sure he didn't appreciate it. I don't suggest
letting up on him for a moment, but he is the designated driver in the universe of the unknown.”
“I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that,” Cordelia said, rolling her eyes.
“Hold up,” he said. “I want something to eat. Yes, I know, again.”
“Get it yourself,” she said. “I'm not your cook.”
He looked at her with an odd sense of déjà vu before answering.
“I wasn't suggesting you cook for me, I was just saying wait for me while I grab a
sandwich. My entire life isn't about you, you know.”
“But you want me to wait for you,” she said smoothly as they entered the kitchen.
Further discussion was disrupted by the fact that there was a guy about Logan's age shoveling
food down his mouth at the kitchen table.
“Who are you?” Cordelia asked.
“Hi,” the unknown answered. “Sweet setup, dude. The name's Cody.” The guy started
laughing for no reason and then Logan started laughing.
“Cody Lambert?” he asked during chuckles.
“Yeah, how'd you know? Are you, like, psychic? Cause that'd be way too cool.”
“I'm ashamed to say I used to have a crush on Dana. Probably where I got my Veronica
problem.”
“You know the Danester? Right on. So, who are you?”
“The name's Logan and this is Cordelia and do you have any idea where you are?”
“Not really, but as long as there's eats, I figure I'm good.”
“Oh, the Doctor is going to love this,” Cordelia muttered. Logan caught her eye and
motioned back toward the hall.
“Be right back, Codeman, keep eating.”
“Radical.” Cody gave them a chin up gesture and kept right on eating.
Out in the hall, Logan leaned against the wall and started to laugh in earnest.
“What is going on? Who is that? What show?”
“That is Cody Lambert from Step by Step.”
“I only watched the later episodes. Had he Chuckied himself?”
“Yeah, he just kinda disappeared. Later on, I think he calls his family or something.
Very Brady Bunch show.”
“It's that kind of a day. Should I go get the Doctor?”
“Yeah, might as well, tell him he missed one.”
“He'll love that,” she said, smiling, and left. Logan re-entered the kitchen and
joined Cody at the table.
“May I?” he asked.
“Sure thing, I guess it's like your food anyway, huh?”
“Not really. I'm a guest, like you. So, Cody, do you believe in aliens?”
“Can you doubt it, bro? There's infinite signs.”
“Well, then you're in luck, because this is a space ship and you're being piloted by an
alien. You're not really real, but a character on a tv sitcom called Step by Step and
somehow you've vanished from it.”
“Gnarly!” Cody said, a big grin spreading over his face. “An adventure among the
stars.”
“Well, you're taking it well,” Logan said, finishing his sandwich and taking a big
bite. It was rather refreshing, like being with a spacier Space Imp who'd spent too much time
living in a van.
“Life's too short to be all freaking out about stuff,” Cody replied, leaning back with
gusto. “Gotta enjoy it all.”
“Well, just to warn you, this alien is rather short-tempered and he might not
appreciate your blasé attitude.”
“He'll chill out or no skin off my nose. Righteously weird expression, huh?”
“Very. His name is the Doctor.”
“Sweet name. So, what do we do as fictional characters and all? Cause you're, like,
not real and everything too?”
“As fictional as Santa Claus. We pretty much look for a way to become unreal again.
We're not supposed to be here, messing up the fabric of reality and all and the Doctor seems
awful picky about the state of reality. He likes having us around though, so just weather
through his grumpiness.”
“No worries, dude, I can out smile any grump any time.”
“I think you can,” Logan said quietly as the Doctor and Cordelia swept into the room.
“Hey, Doctor Man,” Cody called out. “Great grub!”
“Logan, tell me you didn't prepare him against me?” the Doctor said. Logan simply
folded his arms behind his head and smiled. “Right, well, Cody, since Logan's filled you in on
the situation; he can take care of you during your stay in Casa de Tardis.”
“You're not gonna send him home?” Logan asked, a sinking feeling in his stomach.
“Why no,” the Doctor said with too sweet a face, “I'm afraid I can't just right now.
Our little friends from before have damaged the circuits I need. We're lucky we were already
in the Vortex when it happened. So, I'll just leave Cody in your capable hands.”
He left and Logan glared at Cordelia, who'd started laughing.
“It'll be your turn next,” he mumbled.
“You shouldn't have tried to one up the Doctor,” she said.
“You try all the time,” he snapped.
“Oh no, you're not getting mad at me. Besides, I thought you liked him.”
“I do,” Logan said, glancing at Cody, who stood up and offered his hand to Cordelia.
“Cody. What's your inevitably babe-a-licious name?”
“I'm Cordelia,” she answered.
“And do you hail from the lovely land of make-believe?”
“Yes,” she said. “The grown-up part.”
“Cool. Well, would you like to join us for a repast of fantastical proportions?”
Cordelia raised one eyebrow at Logan who shrugged and smiled, not quite willing to let
go of the humor of the situation.
“I'd be happy to.” Cordelia sat down graciously and started nibbling on some food.
She was a big eater, Logan had seen her in action, but they'd had a huge meal earlier with the
rest of the sitcom people.
“So, Cody,” Logan asked, “why'd you decide to leave the Lamberts?”
“Well, it wasn't really a decision, but I kinda just was gone, you know? I think so.
And then I guess I was here with you guys.” He grinned at them and Logan was amazed at how
much food the guy could eat. Cordelia sat upright and started chewing faster, a sure sign that
something was bothering her.
“Logan.”
“Yes, my sweet?”
“Shut up and listen to me. You and I need to start using our heads. You know how the
Doctor's so evasive when it comes to how he sends them back home?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Well, think about it. There's something fishy about how he doesn't want to talk about
it. And about how desperate he was with Cecily and with needing to make sure everyone goes
back to their own timeline and how he's cheating somehow.”
“He's the Doctor; he's like that with everything.”
“Something's different with us,” she insisted. “Why doesn't he just send us home? He
knows how surely. He knows where to go to find whoever's doing this. He keeps talking about
how he doesn't want us here, about how he has to fix reality. Why us, and not the Space Imp,
and how was Bo able to go back, but not the Imp, and why didn't he care about Rachini?”
“What do you suggest we do about it?” Logan said, intrigued despite himself. Cordelia
was more fanatical about getting under the Doctor's skin then he was, but he'd always had the same questions she had.
“We need to find out more about this reality question,” she said. “I really wish
Wesley was here with his books or even Giles. But, we should also find out all we can about
our own shows.”
“The library and the cinema it is then,” Logan said, immediately claiming the cinema
portion of the task.
“Sweet,” Cody said, finishing his sandwich. “Let's go, dudes.”
Logan and Cordelia looked at each other.
***
Cordelia might never admit it, but it felt really good to be in a library and researching something. There was a certain familiarity to it that made her feel like she was home again with Wesley in the next room, Angel just coming down the stairs, Gunn sorting out weapons and Fred making some sort of crazy invention out of toothpicks and a toaster. After they'd all put their heads together and figured out the problem, they'd go and slay the monster and perhaps go out to Caritas for a drink where Lorne would call them all sugary nicknames. She was getting seriously nostalgic.
It hadn't all been fun and games though. She could remember serious pain and angst.
And she couldn't even remember all of it, really. There was some deep wound that she couldn't
quite remember. Something about betrayal and suffocation and there was a baby and Angel
looking more hurt than she'd ever seen him. Then darkness and being stifled and suppressed and
in pain. So much fun. Sometimes Cordelia thought that must be what it would be like to be the
Doctor, because when she looked at him she could see those half-remembered things in his eyes.
Despite that, she wanted to go home and she wanted the familiar and to have her friends back.
She wanted to feel like she was doing something - to feel the results of it. She even missed
her visions. She made a mental note to ask the Doctor about them, because from what she'd
seen, everyone else got to bring their things with them, why not her?
She walked through the seemingly endless library, running her fingers over the books as
she passed. She wasn't really sure what she was looking for. Universe Mechanics,
perhaps? As always, though she was never really sure how, she could feel some sort of guidance
from the Tardis. That would be something she missed when she went back home. Perhaps she was
better equipped to become friends with the ship than Logan because she was so used to Phantom
Dennis and feeling communication rather than having it spoken to her. Whatever the reason, she
was grateful for the Tardis and somehow, she thought the Tardis was thankful for her and that
she was there for the Doctor. She came to a section of books and felt the impulse to stop.
There was a cushy armchair and an open table, so she sat and began to research.
What she read was surprising and she didn't understand half of it. There were a lot of
books in what she could only assume was Gallifreyan and that didn't get translated. There the
Tardis seemed to be as stubborn as the Doctor. But what Cordelia did find out was
mind-numbing. She stayed in the library for hours, for days, doing more research than she'd
ever done before.
***
Logan quickly decided that to like a character on tv and be with them twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week or whatever alien time they were on, were two entirely different things. Having Cody follow him around was exhausting and he quickly repented of ever trying to get the best of the Doctor. It was like that for the first ten hours or so. After that, Logan began to feel numb or what he could only term as de-Cody-fied. He soon learned that if he just put a guitar in Cody's hands or showed him a kickboxing ring, the other man would become engrossed for hours in doing absolutely nothing.
Logan used that time to watch the show Veronica Mars. He'd never found
something so interesting and so hard to watch. What could you possibly say about yourself as
you were forced to re-watch all of your worst decisions? Or perhaps your best. It was the
most illuminating experience of his life. There really wasn't anything he could do about what
he was seeing. He couldn't stop Lilly's death or his Mom's or keep his father from doing all
he did. He couldn't help but see Veronica go through everything she'd gone through, everything
he'd done to her.
There was the bus crash. There was Duncan, his best friend, running for freedom with
his daughter, there was everything that happened with Hannah, there was Veronica in danger and
him on trial for murder. After that, there came Hearst and the rape scandal and Veronica's
inability to trust him and Madison and the dean's murder and Piz and Parker and the sheriff
race and her telling him off and him coming to her defense and then her walking off alone.
When it was over and the credits rolled for the last time, he sat with tears falling
from his eyes. A great tv show, but it was more than that, it was his life. And his life had
been far from perfect. He'd done a lot of stupid things and he'd hurt a lot of people. But he
decided he liked his end. That was how he wanted to go out, fighting, flippant yet genuine,
and caring for Veronica with every fiber of his being. Now, more than ever, he wanted to go home and try and make things right with her.
He wondered how that could possibly work. How could he go home to nothing? Is that
why the Imp hadn't wanted to go? He puzzled about it for awhile and then figured that he
understood his own show, so now it was time to understand Cordelia's. He hadn't seen her very
much in the last few days. She barely came out of the library, just like he barely came out of
the cinema. His Cody responsibility could be done because Cody liked to watch tv just as much
as Logan and when he was bored, Logan sent him off to do other things. Logan did regret he
didn't spend as much time talking with Cody as he could have. The other man was fascinating in
his attitude toward life and general lack of intelligence. But there were important things to
be done. Both by him and Cordelia.
All Cordelia would say about what she was doing was that she was learning stuff. And the Doctor barely came out of the console room though he checked on them every now and then. Logan didn't necessarily hide what he was doing, but he could somehow sense whenever the Doctor was coming and went to check on Cody during those times.
It was all working out a little too nicely.
Logan popped in Buffy the Vampire Slayer so that he could watch Cordelia's first
three seasons and after that switched over to Angel. He had, in fact, started a list of shows to watch when he got home, but he had the lingering feeling that it wouldn't matter somehow.
***
The Doctor felt bad about leaving the three of them on their own. After all, it wasn't entirely their fault that his ship had been nearly torn apart by a tide of raging teenagers. He checked on them as much as he could. Logan and Cody seemed to be getting along well, watching a lot of movies and doing a lot of kickboxing. Cordelia spent all her time in the library and he worried over her because he knew she must be trying to figure things out, trying to figure him out. He didn't feel like he should stop her, but he also wasn't sure how ready he was to tell her everything. It was just too raw, too personal for him and too alien for her. So, he spent most of his time fixing the Tardis which legitimately needed to be done. And he tried not to brood and he focused his brain power on what to do with his charges. He felt confident that he could deal with Cody pretty well. Cody had a spot to go back to. He had a phone call to make and a check to write. But...the other two. Maybe the Doctor just didn't want to admit that he didn't want them to go; but he wasn't admitting it, mind you, just admitting maybe he didn't want to. There was a vast difference in those two things and he was going to cling to that. Maybe he was a bit bored. He missed the three of them fighting and the running and the problem solving and the new places and the running and trying to keep them from being merely human.
The Doctor sighed and went back to work, but then he got an idea and he groaned at what an awful idea it was, but he knew he was going to do it anyway. The Tardis was just about done, but he needed to wait about twenty hours for a final test to run, and so he had the time.
***
Cordelia had read until her eyes were starting to fall out of their sockets and now that she knew more than she ever wanted to know about reality and what it should be like, she had started to investigate television tropes and how to diagnose them and show timelines and things like that. Of course, now that Logan had started to watch Angel and was nearing the point where she couldn't remember anymore, she spent more time in the cinema with him and sometimes Cody.
They were just finishing season four and her head was spinning with the consequences of
it all. She could feel Logan looking at her, even Cody seemed uncharacteristically silent, but
she just shook her head and wiped away some tears.
“I have to get home,” she whispered. “I have to understand this.” Logan nodded.
“How are you planning on doing that? Have you figured out what the Doctor can do with
us?”
“Not really,” she said. “It's true what he said, that we were the first to go through
into reality. The more things go through the easier it is to send them back because it becomes
more obvious where they came from as the 'holes,' for lack of a better word, get bigger. But
the whole universe becomes more unstable. We're probably the most stable, but the more
characters come through, the less rational or like themselves they'll be. And the less stable
the universe. Great, now I'm repeating myself. We need to destroy whatever's doing this or everything could collapse in on itself. And I think the Doctor knows where to send us. I just don't think he can bring himself to. There's something he doesn't want to tell us.”
“We could ask him to go home. Things aren't perfect there. They need us.”
Cordelia looked longingly at the screen where a broken Angel stood, frozen, but she
shook her head.
“He needs us too.”
That's when the Doctor stuck his head in the door.
“Come on,” he said. “We've got some place to be.”
“You've fixed it!” Logan said, jumping up.
“Nope, almost.” The Doctor started to walk away and they had no reasonable excuse to
not follow.
***
The Doctor had to hide a grin at how curious they must be right now. He had discovered a new sense of fun in the last two hours and he wasn't quite ready to get rid of it. Perhaps it was a bit like Scrooge after his ghostly experience, even though all the Doctor had done was make some food.
“Not all day now,” he said gruffly as he led them, not to the kitchen, but a different
room altogether. It was decked out to the nines and, in the antechamber off the main room,
outfits were laid out for all three of them.
“This is all totally spectacular, dude,” Cody exclaimed, looking around him like a kid
at Christmas and laughing. “I'm suitably impressed.”
“I'm glad you're happy,” the Doctor said sarcastically. “Now get your clothes on, all
of you - changing rooms are there - dinner's almost ready.”
Logan and Cordelia exchanged glances and the Doctor was astonished to find that they
seemed to have developed some kind of silent communication system. He was proud of them. Any
reservations Cordelia seemed to have vanished when she saw her dress. It was black and velvet
and perfect and she squealed and hugged him, which he accepted and returned before she went off
to change. Logan's own change went rather less dramatically, and Cody's less still, but the
two of them looked rather good in their tuxes.
“I better be on my best behavior,” Cody stage-whispered to Logan. “What if I spill
soup on this? That'd be a bummer, man.”
“I suggest you utilize your napkin well,” Logan answered and Cody nodded sagely in
agreement. The Doctor couldn't stop grinning.
When they were all seated around the table the Doctor served dinner and the other three
quickly fell to and enjoyed the amazing meal he'd concocted for them. He'd chosen only the
best, using many foreign food stuffs but only ones that could be truly enjoyed by humans.
“Righteous eats,” Cody praised, giving him a thumbs up. “Excellent.”
“You enjoying your stay on the Tardis?” the Doctor asked. “Sorry I haven't been able
to send you home just yet.”
“Oh, no worries, Doctor Man. This place is like no other, you know what I mean? Yeah,
I hope the fam is doing okay, but otherwise, it's like mega vacation time!”
“I'm a bit surprised we don't have more Step by Step-ers popping in,” the Doctor
said.
“Really? Like who?”
“Oh, aunts and sisters and little Lillys and perhaps a crazy French man or two.”
“Sweet,” Cody gushed. “I'd love to see them all. You know, I guess I should say,” he
said, his face turning as serious as it was possible for him to get, “that I really do miss
them. Like, JT's, like, my best friend and the Danaburger and Frank and all. There's no place
like home, even when home is a van.”
The Doctor looked rather thoughtful and watched his companions' faces closely. What he
saw decided him. He would send them home and he would try every trick he knew to make sure
they ended up happy.
“You all ready to go home then?” he asked. “Cause I can do that much. Circuit's all
fixed.”
Cody smiled.
“Awesome. Thanks, man.”
The Doctor nodded, but his gaze didn't stray from Cordelia and Logan. They were doing
their silent word thing again and didn't say anything.
“Come on, Cody,” the Doctor said, “you need to make a phone call before we can send you
back.”
They had had a lovely dinner party and the Doctor led them all back to the console room
where he dialed and handed Cody the phone, then fiddled with knobs and gears.
“So many holes in reality. It's easy to phone through.”
“Can you see what I meant about them becoming more unstable?” Cordelia asked Logan.
“Actually,” Logan said, watching Cody make some rather unique facial expressions, “he's
kinda always like that.”
The Doctor shook his head, they'd been snooping.
“Well, then?” he asked again, “what's it to be? Three or two or one?”
“Don't be silly,” Cordelia said, taking his hand and squeezing it. “We're not leaving
until this is over.”
“What would you do without us, Doc?” Logan asked, leaning his arm on Cordelia's
shoulder. “Besides, we need to meet the guys responsible for our dimension hop.”
“It wasn't a dimension hop,” the Doctor corrected automatically, even if he was only
just keeping from jumping up and down. Timelords do not jump for joy.
“Whatever,” Cordelia said, dismissing the matter with her hand. “The point is we're
staying, and after you went to all the trouble of giving us a goodbye party.”
“You think I'm so transparent, do you?” the Doctor asked.
“I know you are,” Cordelia said, hugging him. The Doctor hugged her back and then
pulled away, shaking his finger at her.
“Stop meddling, I'm not like Angel and I won't cow before you, Cordelia Chase.”
“Nor will I quake in my boots before you, Doctor,” she said defiantly.
He grinned.
“Good. You two just do as you're told and we'll be fine.”
“Were we not already?” asked Logan, jumping up casually on the seat.
The Doctor merely groaned inwardly and turned to Cody who had just hung up.
“Time to go.”
“Thanks for everything,” Cody said, hugging Logan and Cordelia and the Doctor, whether
he wanted to be or not. “You are all far-out.”
The Doctor flipped some switches and the last thing they heard was him calling, “Party
on!” and his ridiculous laugh.
***
After they'd all cleared up the dinner things and changed back into their regular clothes and the Doctor had gone back to check on the Tardis, Cordelia pulled Logan aside.
“We need to finish talking.”
There was a crack and the air shimmered like it always did when there was a break in
reality. A girl on a tricycle way too small for her appeared in the hallway of the Tardis.
“It never really lets up, does it?” Logan asked the air under the sounds of the alarms.
by Jesterlady
Rating: PG-13
Characters: The Ninth Doctor, Cordelia Chase, Logan Echolls
Fandom: Doctor Who, Angel, Veronica Mars Red Dwarf, Toy Story, Road to Avonlea, The Middleman, Step by Step, Family Matters, Roseanne, The West Wing, Star Trek: The Next Generation, All My Children, Happy Days with special appearances by X-Men, Pirates of the Caribbean, Are You Being Served and a great deal of the cast of Saved by the Bell and Boy Meets World
Summary: The Doctor is just minding his own business when Cordelia Chase and Logan Echolls pop into the Tardis, now they're off on a tv trope adventure to find out what's disrupting reality. If only fictional characters would stop dropping by.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these fandoms, especially DW, ATS or VM. I owe a great deal to www.tvtropes.com and all of the chapter titles are a play on tropes found there. Written for the
scifibigbang 2011.A/N: Many thanks to my beta,
exmanhater and to rainyrocket for her artwork.Chapter Eight: The Van Came Back
It was hard to pilot the Tardis alone - the Doctor was in full realization of that, having done it for most of his nine hundred plus years. Back in his first body it had been nearly impossible even with Susan's help. But it was infinitely harder to do when he had a bunch of teenagers and a motorcycle-riding English teacher shouting in his ear and messing with the console and wandering around the Tardis. Logan and Cordelia were no help at all as they sat back and laughed at his discomfort. He swore that if Miss Bliss and that Minkus kid didn't stop fighting, he was going to do something incredibly drastic.
And then they were gone. Mercifully, they were all gone. His two companions were left
grinning at him and he glared at them as ferociously as he knew how. He wanted to take them
straight to some ice rings he knew of in a galaxy far far away and leave them there for a week,
and said as much.
“Don't threaten us so, Doc,” Logan said, having developed a horrible propensity for
calling him that. “We'd never survive without you.”
“And Logan would be dead,” Cordelia said sweetly. The Doctor turned away and leaned
over the Tardis console, trying to make sure everything was okay.
“No, no, no!” he cried, momentarily wishing he had hair so he could pull at it in
anguish. “I wish I hadn't send them back, I'd make them-”
“Something wrong, I presume?” Logan asked.
“Brilliant deduction there,” the Doctor snarled. “Those idiots have gone and ruptured
and pulled and broken and tweaked their little brains out and it's going to take me a week to
fix it all.”
“Anything we can do to help?” Cordelia asked politely.
“You have any idea how to take apart and put back together my fabulous ship with parts
unheard of on Earth?”
“I'm not going to dignify that with a response,” she said loftily. “I think I'm going
to step on through to the wardrobe. If you'll excuse me...” She exited and the Doctor
groaned; he was definitely having a bad influence on her.
“I suppose you want to do something like that too?” he inquired of Logan. “You want to
swan off and leave me to do all the work?”
“Of course,” Logan said and exited, presumably toward the kitchen. The Doctor couldn't
really blame him. He was being unreasonable. But he had a perfect right to be and he was
going to keep on with it. He started pulling up panels and getting out tools. It was going to
be a long week.
***
Logan caught up with Cordelia before she could get to the wardrobe.
“I wonder if something's really wrong,” she said.
“Nah, I think he's grousing for the sake of it. You know how he is, he doesn't want to
admit he wants us around and, let's face it, we weren't very helpful during the sitcom
invasion.”
“No, but you have to admit, it was funny.”
“Hilarious,” Logan agreed, “but I'm sure he didn't appreciate it. I don't suggest
letting up on him for a moment, but he is the designated driver in the universe of the unknown.”
“I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that,” Cordelia said, rolling her eyes.
“Hold up,” he said. “I want something to eat. Yes, I know, again.”
“Get it yourself,” she said. “I'm not your cook.”
He looked at her with an odd sense of déjà vu before answering.
“I wasn't suggesting you cook for me, I was just saying wait for me while I grab a
sandwich. My entire life isn't about you, you know.”
“But you want me to wait for you,” she said smoothly as they entered the kitchen.
Further discussion was disrupted by the fact that there was a guy about Logan's age shoveling
food down his mouth at the kitchen table.
“Who are you?” Cordelia asked.
“Hi,” the unknown answered. “Sweet setup, dude. The name's Cody.” The guy started
laughing for no reason and then Logan started laughing.
“Cody Lambert?” he asked during chuckles.
“Yeah, how'd you know? Are you, like, psychic? Cause that'd be way too cool.”
“I'm ashamed to say I used to have a crush on Dana. Probably where I got my Veronica
problem.”
“You know the Danester? Right on. So, who are you?”
“The name's Logan and this is Cordelia and do you have any idea where you are?”
“Not really, but as long as there's eats, I figure I'm good.”
“Oh, the Doctor is going to love this,” Cordelia muttered. Logan caught her eye and
motioned back toward the hall.
“Be right back, Codeman, keep eating.”
“Radical.” Cody gave them a chin up gesture and kept right on eating.
Out in the hall, Logan leaned against the wall and started to laugh in earnest.
“What is going on? Who is that? What show?”
“That is Cody Lambert from Step by Step.”
“I only watched the later episodes. Had he Chuckied himself?”
“Yeah, he just kinda disappeared. Later on, I think he calls his family or something.
Very Brady Bunch show.”
“It's that kind of a day. Should I go get the Doctor?”
“Yeah, might as well, tell him he missed one.”
“He'll love that,” she said, smiling, and left. Logan re-entered the kitchen and
joined Cody at the table.
“May I?” he asked.
“Sure thing, I guess it's like your food anyway, huh?”
“Not really. I'm a guest, like you. So, Cody, do you believe in aliens?”
“Can you doubt it, bro? There's infinite signs.”
“Well, then you're in luck, because this is a space ship and you're being piloted by an
alien. You're not really real, but a character on a tv sitcom called Step by Step and
somehow you've vanished from it.”
“Gnarly!” Cody said, a big grin spreading over his face. “An adventure among the
stars.”
“Well, you're taking it well,” Logan said, finishing his sandwich and taking a big
bite. It was rather refreshing, like being with a spacier Space Imp who'd spent too much time
living in a van.
“Life's too short to be all freaking out about stuff,” Cody replied, leaning back with
gusto. “Gotta enjoy it all.”
“Well, just to warn you, this alien is rather short-tempered and he might not
appreciate your blasé attitude.”
“He'll chill out or no skin off my nose. Righteously weird expression, huh?”
“Very. His name is the Doctor.”
“Sweet name. So, what do we do as fictional characters and all? Cause you're, like,
not real and everything too?”
“As fictional as Santa Claus. We pretty much look for a way to become unreal again.
We're not supposed to be here, messing up the fabric of reality and all and the Doctor seems
awful picky about the state of reality. He likes having us around though, so just weather
through his grumpiness.”
“No worries, dude, I can out smile any grump any time.”
“I think you can,” Logan said quietly as the Doctor and Cordelia swept into the room.
“Hey, Doctor Man,” Cody called out. “Great grub!”
“Logan, tell me you didn't prepare him against me?” the Doctor said. Logan simply
folded his arms behind his head and smiled. “Right, well, Cody, since Logan's filled you in on
the situation; he can take care of you during your stay in Casa de Tardis.”
“You're not gonna send him home?” Logan asked, a sinking feeling in his stomach.
“Why no,” the Doctor said with too sweet a face, “I'm afraid I can't just right now.
Our little friends from before have damaged the circuits I need. We're lucky we were already
in the Vortex when it happened. So, I'll just leave Cody in your capable hands.”
He left and Logan glared at Cordelia, who'd started laughing.
“It'll be your turn next,” he mumbled.
“You shouldn't have tried to one up the Doctor,” she said.
“You try all the time,” he snapped.
“Oh no, you're not getting mad at me. Besides, I thought you liked him.”
“I do,” Logan said, glancing at Cody, who stood up and offered his hand to Cordelia.
“Cody. What's your inevitably babe-a-licious name?”
“I'm Cordelia,” she answered.
“And do you hail from the lovely land of make-believe?”
“Yes,” she said. “The grown-up part.”
“Cool. Well, would you like to join us for a repast of fantastical proportions?”
Cordelia raised one eyebrow at Logan who shrugged and smiled, not quite willing to let
go of the humor of the situation.
“I'd be happy to.” Cordelia sat down graciously and started nibbling on some food.
She was a big eater, Logan had seen her in action, but they'd had a huge meal earlier with the
rest of the sitcom people.
“So, Cody,” Logan asked, “why'd you decide to leave the Lamberts?”
“Well, it wasn't really a decision, but I kinda just was gone, you know? I think so.
And then I guess I was here with you guys.” He grinned at them and Logan was amazed at how
much food the guy could eat. Cordelia sat upright and started chewing faster, a sure sign that
something was bothering her.
“Logan.”
“Yes, my sweet?”
“Shut up and listen to me. You and I need to start using our heads. You know how the
Doctor's so evasive when it comes to how he sends them back home?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Well, think about it. There's something fishy about how he doesn't want to talk about
it. And about how desperate he was with Cecily and with needing to make sure everyone goes
back to their own timeline and how he's cheating somehow.”
“He's the Doctor; he's like that with everything.”
“Something's different with us,” she insisted. “Why doesn't he just send us home? He
knows how surely. He knows where to go to find whoever's doing this. He keeps talking about
how he doesn't want us here, about how he has to fix reality. Why us, and not the Space Imp,
and how was Bo able to go back, but not the Imp, and why didn't he care about Rachini?”
“What do you suggest we do about it?” Logan said, intrigued despite himself. Cordelia
was more fanatical about getting under the Doctor's skin then he was, but he'd always had the same questions she had.
“We need to find out more about this reality question,” she said. “I really wish
Wesley was here with his books or even Giles. But, we should also find out all we can about
our own shows.”
“The library and the cinema it is then,” Logan said, immediately claiming the cinema
portion of the task.
“Sweet,” Cody said, finishing his sandwich. “Let's go, dudes.”
Logan and Cordelia looked at each other.
***
Cordelia might never admit it, but it felt really good to be in a library and researching something. There was a certain familiarity to it that made her feel like she was home again with Wesley in the next room, Angel just coming down the stairs, Gunn sorting out weapons and Fred making some sort of crazy invention out of toothpicks and a toaster. After they'd all put their heads together and figured out the problem, they'd go and slay the monster and perhaps go out to Caritas for a drink where Lorne would call them all sugary nicknames. She was getting seriously nostalgic.
It hadn't all been fun and games though. She could remember serious pain and angst.
And she couldn't even remember all of it, really. There was some deep wound that she couldn't
quite remember. Something about betrayal and suffocation and there was a baby and Angel
looking more hurt than she'd ever seen him. Then darkness and being stifled and suppressed and
in pain. So much fun. Sometimes Cordelia thought that must be what it would be like to be the
Doctor, because when she looked at him she could see those half-remembered things in his eyes.
Despite that, she wanted to go home and she wanted the familiar and to have her friends back.
She wanted to feel like she was doing something - to feel the results of it. She even missed
her visions. She made a mental note to ask the Doctor about them, because from what she'd
seen, everyone else got to bring their things with them, why not her?
She walked through the seemingly endless library, running her fingers over the books as
she passed. She wasn't really sure what she was looking for. Universe Mechanics,
perhaps? As always, though she was never really sure how, she could feel some sort of guidance
from the Tardis. That would be something she missed when she went back home. Perhaps she was
better equipped to become friends with the ship than Logan because she was so used to Phantom
Dennis and feeling communication rather than having it spoken to her. Whatever the reason, she
was grateful for the Tardis and somehow, she thought the Tardis was thankful for her and that
she was there for the Doctor. She came to a section of books and felt the impulse to stop.
There was a cushy armchair and an open table, so she sat and began to research.
What she read was surprising and she didn't understand half of it. There were a lot of
books in what she could only assume was Gallifreyan and that didn't get translated. There the
Tardis seemed to be as stubborn as the Doctor. But what Cordelia did find out was
mind-numbing. She stayed in the library for hours, for days, doing more research than she'd
ever done before.
***
Logan quickly decided that to like a character on tv and be with them twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week or whatever alien time they were on, were two entirely different things. Having Cody follow him around was exhausting and he quickly repented of ever trying to get the best of the Doctor. It was like that for the first ten hours or so. After that, Logan began to feel numb or what he could only term as de-Cody-fied. He soon learned that if he just put a guitar in Cody's hands or showed him a kickboxing ring, the other man would become engrossed for hours in doing absolutely nothing.
Logan used that time to watch the show Veronica Mars. He'd never found
something so interesting and so hard to watch. What could you possibly say about yourself as
you were forced to re-watch all of your worst decisions? Or perhaps your best. It was the
most illuminating experience of his life. There really wasn't anything he could do about what
he was seeing. He couldn't stop Lilly's death or his Mom's or keep his father from doing all
he did. He couldn't help but see Veronica go through everything she'd gone through, everything
he'd done to her.
There was the bus crash. There was Duncan, his best friend, running for freedom with
his daughter, there was everything that happened with Hannah, there was Veronica in danger and
him on trial for murder. After that, there came Hearst and the rape scandal and Veronica's
inability to trust him and Madison and the dean's murder and Piz and Parker and the sheriff
race and her telling him off and him coming to her defense and then her walking off alone.
When it was over and the credits rolled for the last time, he sat with tears falling
from his eyes. A great tv show, but it was more than that, it was his life. And his life had
been far from perfect. He'd done a lot of stupid things and he'd hurt a lot of people. But he
decided he liked his end. That was how he wanted to go out, fighting, flippant yet genuine,
and caring for Veronica with every fiber of his being. Now, more than ever, he wanted to go home and try and make things right with her.
He wondered how that could possibly work. How could he go home to nothing? Is that
why the Imp hadn't wanted to go? He puzzled about it for awhile and then figured that he
understood his own show, so now it was time to understand Cordelia's. He hadn't seen her very
much in the last few days. She barely came out of the library, just like he barely came out of
the cinema. His Cody responsibility could be done because Cody liked to watch tv just as much
as Logan and when he was bored, Logan sent him off to do other things. Logan did regret he
didn't spend as much time talking with Cody as he could have. The other man was fascinating in
his attitude toward life and general lack of intelligence. But there were important things to
be done. Both by him and Cordelia.
All Cordelia would say about what she was doing was that she was learning stuff. And the Doctor barely came out of the console room though he checked on them every now and then. Logan didn't necessarily hide what he was doing, but he could somehow sense whenever the Doctor was coming and went to check on Cody during those times.
It was all working out a little too nicely.
Logan popped in Buffy the Vampire Slayer so that he could watch Cordelia's first
three seasons and after that switched over to Angel. He had, in fact, started a list of shows to watch when he got home, but he had the lingering feeling that it wouldn't matter somehow.
***
The Doctor felt bad about leaving the three of them on their own. After all, it wasn't entirely their fault that his ship had been nearly torn apart by a tide of raging teenagers. He checked on them as much as he could. Logan and Cody seemed to be getting along well, watching a lot of movies and doing a lot of kickboxing. Cordelia spent all her time in the library and he worried over her because he knew she must be trying to figure things out, trying to figure him out. He didn't feel like he should stop her, but he also wasn't sure how ready he was to tell her everything. It was just too raw, too personal for him and too alien for her. So, he spent most of his time fixing the Tardis which legitimately needed to be done. And he tried not to brood and he focused his brain power on what to do with his charges. He felt confident that he could deal with Cody pretty well. Cody had a spot to go back to. He had a phone call to make and a check to write. But...the other two. Maybe the Doctor just didn't want to admit that he didn't want them to go; but he wasn't admitting it, mind you, just admitting maybe he didn't want to. There was a vast difference in those two things and he was going to cling to that. Maybe he was a bit bored. He missed the three of them fighting and the running and the problem solving and the new places and the running and trying to keep them from being merely human.
The Doctor sighed and went back to work, but then he got an idea and he groaned at what an awful idea it was, but he knew he was going to do it anyway. The Tardis was just about done, but he needed to wait about twenty hours for a final test to run, and so he had the time.
***
Cordelia had read until her eyes were starting to fall out of their sockets and now that she knew more than she ever wanted to know about reality and what it should be like, she had started to investigate television tropes and how to diagnose them and show timelines and things like that. Of course, now that Logan had started to watch Angel and was nearing the point where she couldn't remember anymore, she spent more time in the cinema with him and sometimes Cody.
They were just finishing season four and her head was spinning with the consequences of
it all. She could feel Logan looking at her, even Cody seemed uncharacteristically silent, but
she just shook her head and wiped away some tears.
“I have to get home,” she whispered. “I have to understand this.” Logan nodded.
“How are you planning on doing that? Have you figured out what the Doctor can do with
us?”
“Not really,” she said. “It's true what he said, that we were the first to go through
into reality. The more things go through the easier it is to send them back because it becomes
more obvious where they came from as the 'holes,' for lack of a better word, get bigger. But
the whole universe becomes more unstable. We're probably the most stable, but the more
characters come through, the less rational or like themselves they'll be. And the less stable
the universe. Great, now I'm repeating myself. We need to destroy whatever's doing this or everything could collapse in on itself. And I think the Doctor knows where to send us. I just don't think he can bring himself to. There's something he doesn't want to tell us.”
“We could ask him to go home. Things aren't perfect there. They need us.”
Cordelia looked longingly at the screen where a broken Angel stood, frozen, but she
shook her head.
“He needs us too.”
That's when the Doctor stuck his head in the door.
“Come on,” he said. “We've got some place to be.”
“You've fixed it!” Logan said, jumping up.
“Nope, almost.” The Doctor started to walk away and they had no reasonable excuse to
not follow.
***
The Doctor had to hide a grin at how curious they must be right now. He had discovered a new sense of fun in the last two hours and he wasn't quite ready to get rid of it. Perhaps it was a bit like Scrooge after his ghostly experience, even though all the Doctor had done was make some food.
“Not all day now,” he said gruffly as he led them, not to the kitchen, but a different
room altogether. It was decked out to the nines and, in the antechamber off the main room,
outfits were laid out for all three of them.
“This is all totally spectacular, dude,” Cody exclaimed, looking around him like a kid
at Christmas and laughing. “I'm suitably impressed.”
“I'm glad you're happy,” the Doctor said sarcastically. “Now get your clothes on, all
of you - changing rooms are there - dinner's almost ready.”
Logan and Cordelia exchanged glances and the Doctor was astonished to find that they
seemed to have developed some kind of silent communication system. He was proud of them. Any
reservations Cordelia seemed to have vanished when she saw her dress. It was black and velvet
and perfect and she squealed and hugged him, which he accepted and returned before she went off
to change. Logan's own change went rather less dramatically, and Cody's less still, but the
two of them looked rather good in their tuxes.
“I better be on my best behavior,” Cody stage-whispered to Logan. “What if I spill
soup on this? That'd be a bummer, man.”
“I suggest you utilize your napkin well,” Logan answered and Cody nodded sagely in
agreement. The Doctor couldn't stop grinning.
When they were all seated around the table the Doctor served dinner and the other three
quickly fell to and enjoyed the amazing meal he'd concocted for them. He'd chosen only the
best, using many foreign food stuffs but only ones that could be truly enjoyed by humans.
“Righteous eats,” Cody praised, giving him a thumbs up. “Excellent.”
“You enjoying your stay on the Tardis?” the Doctor asked. “Sorry I haven't been able
to send you home just yet.”
“Oh, no worries, Doctor Man. This place is like no other, you know what I mean? Yeah,
I hope the fam is doing okay, but otherwise, it's like mega vacation time!”
“I'm a bit surprised we don't have more Step by Step-ers popping in,” the Doctor
said.
“Really? Like who?”
“Oh, aunts and sisters and little Lillys and perhaps a crazy French man or two.”
“Sweet,” Cody gushed. “I'd love to see them all. You know, I guess I should say,” he
said, his face turning as serious as it was possible for him to get, “that I really do miss
them. Like, JT's, like, my best friend and the Danaburger and Frank and all. There's no place
like home, even when home is a van.”
The Doctor looked rather thoughtful and watched his companions' faces closely. What he
saw decided him. He would send them home and he would try every trick he knew to make sure
they ended up happy.
“You all ready to go home then?” he asked. “Cause I can do that much. Circuit's all
fixed.”
Cody smiled.
“Awesome. Thanks, man.”
The Doctor nodded, but his gaze didn't stray from Cordelia and Logan. They were doing
their silent word thing again and didn't say anything.
“Come on, Cody,” the Doctor said, “you need to make a phone call before we can send you
back.”
They had had a lovely dinner party and the Doctor led them all back to the console room
where he dialed and handed Cody the phone, then fiddled with knobs and gears.
“So many holes in reality. It's easy to phone through.”
“Can you see what I meant about them becoming more unstable?” Cordelia asked Logan.
“Actually,” Logan said, watching Cody make some rather unique facial expressions, “he's
kinda always like that.”
The Doctor shook his head, they'd been snooping.
“Well, then?” he asked again, “what's it to be? Three or two or one?”
“Don't be silly,” Cordelia said, taking his hand and squeezing it. “We're not leaving
until this is over.”
“What would you do without us, Doc?” Logan asked, leaning his arm on Cordelia's
shoulder. “Besides, we need to meet the guys responsible for our dimension hop.”
“It wasn't a dimension hop,” the Doctor corrected automatically, even if he was only
just keeping from jumping up and down. Timelords do not jump for joy.
“Whatever,” Cordelia said, dismissing the matter with her hand. “The point is we're
staying, and after you went to all the trouble of giving us a goodbye party.”
“You think I'm so transparent, do you?” the Doctor asked.
“I know you are,” Cordelia said, hugging him. The Doctor hugged her back and then
pulled away, shaking his finger at her.
“Stop meddling, I'm not like Angel and I won't cow before you, Cordelia Chase.”
“Nor will I quake in my boots before you, Doctor,” she said defiantly.
He grinned.
“Good. You two just do as you're told and we'll be fine.”
“Were we not already?” asked Logan, jumping up casually on the seat.
The Doctor merely groaned inwardly and turned to Cody who had just hung up.
“Time to go.”
“Thanks for everything,” Cody said, hugging Logan and Cordelia and the Doctor, whether
he wanted to be or not. “You are all far-out.”
The Doctor flipped some switches and the last thing they heard was him calling, “Party
on!” and his ridiculous laugh.
***
After they'd all cleared up the dinner things and changed back into their regular clothes and the Doctor had gone back to check on the Tardis, Cordelia pulled Logan aside.
“We need to finish talking.”
There was a crack and the air shimmered like it always did when there was a break in
reality. A girl on a tricycle way too small for her appeared in the hallway of the Tardis.
“It never really lets up, does it?” Logan asked the air under the sounds of the alarms.
