jesterladyfic | Grace Fills Up Uneven Nature: Chapter One: All that the Spirit Knows

Title: Grace Fills Up Uneven Nature
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Willow/Oz, Xander/Anya, slight Spike/Buffy if you squint :)
Summary: A rewrite of BTVS S4, but this time, I'm really focusing on Willow/Oz.
Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS. Some lines are from the show. The title is by George Hebert. This chapter's title is by Clouds of Unknowing

Chapter One: All That the Spirit Knows by Clouds of Unknowing

Oz was sure of two things in his life. One, that Willow was the most important thing in the world to him. Two, that the wolf was something that only affected him three nights a month.

Then he met Veruca.

There was something off about her and it had been a total loss to try and discover what it was. He thought it might
have been because she was also a musician, but there was something almost Hellmouth-y about being around her.
It was only when she was in the immediate vicinity that the connection seemed to occur. If he didn't see her then he
didn't even think about her.

He probably should have known something else was going on, but since it didn't seem to be that big of a deal he
didn't mention it to Willow, didn't even think about it himself.

Then he woke up naked in the woods. Definitely something he'd done before, but this time there was an edition.

He automatically fished clothes out of someone else's laundry and listened to her. Oz knew he wasn't good at
processing things with other people's help. He was distracted by the thought of the damage he might have caused.
But he couldn't keep her words out.

"Maybe. Or maybe you just don't wanna admit what happened to you. Maybe you just wanna pretend like you're a
regular guy."

"Well, I am. I'm only a wolf three nights a month." That was one thing he did know.

"Or you're a wolf all the time and this human face is just your disguise. You ever think about that, Oz?" He couldn't.
It was more than he could bear.

"I'm going. I gotta check the paper; see if we did any damage last night."

"Oh, we did. But only to each other. I know some part of you remembers that. It doesn't take a full moon. We
could...do it again right here." He was repulsed by the thought. His attraction to her had nothing to do with her body
even if he wasn't blind.

"We aren't going to. This ends. Right now."

"I can help you, Oz. You're scared. I was too. But then I accepted it. The animal, it's powerful, inside me all the
time. Soon, you just start to feel sorry for everybody else because they don't know what it's like to be as alive as we
are. As free." Her words were enticing. He'd often wondered at the difference he could sense in himself and others,
even Willow. But he knew too well how freedom could be harmful.

"Free to kill people? I won't do that. You shouldn't."

"You don't understand. But you will. You'll see that we belong together." He hoped he would never understand.

"No. I know where I belong."

***

He wasn't sure why he didn't tell Willow. Scratch that, he knew exactly why he didn't tell Willow. If she was worried about Veruca on a purely physical level, he knew her well enough to know that she would be completely freaked out to find out her rival was a werewolf and more connected to him than he'd like to admit.

And it would be nice to lose himself in her. But how could he explain the marks on his body or his sudden desire to
let the animal out? The one he now suspected was never that far away.

***

Oz cursed his need to handle things on his own. He knew what Willow would say. It was what she'd said the last time he kept something wolfy to himself. But how could he involve her? He was seized with a desire to make Veruca understand, maybe because, if she did, then he wouldn't have to feel like there was truth in what she said. And if he told Buffy about that, then he wouldn't get his chance.

Maybe he'd just signed his own death sentence. But he watched Veruca slink her way toward him and felt the same
desire well up inside him. It had nothing to do with her, nothing to do with him. It was all about the curse that hung
over both of them and he had never hated it more.

"Come here."

"I'm not getting in that stupid cage with you, if that's what this is all about. We belong outside." He knew he only
had one chance to get through to her. And maybe to save himself.

"You can't run loose tonight. And not just because you might hurt somebody. I know people that'll be out there.
Hunting for us."

"So you're saying I should spend the whole night with you...alone...locked in a cage."

"You'll be safe." She moved closer and he had to swallow.

"Not from you. Isn't that the point of this cozy little arrangement? It's coming. Do you feel it? It's like blood boiling."
He tried to deny it. Maybe he normally suppressed it, but tonight his entire body felt like it was on fire.

"I feel it." He gritted the words out, knowing they spelt failure for his just being normal.

"I've wanted you even before I ever saw you. I sensed you. Did you sense me?" Oh, he'd sensed her. He just
hadn't understood why. Hadn't wanted to.

"Come in here."

"Did you?" she persisted, moving ever closer and he could feel the call rising from her own blood and his racing pulse
answering.

"I did," he said and pulled her inside the cage, feeling his entire body explode and then there was nothing.

***

It was not how Willow had wanted Oz to find out about being a wolf. Not how she wanted him to research his roots. She blamed Veruca entirely. She blamed herself. She didn't even want to think about Oz. She wanted to hurt someone. She wanted everyone else to feel the pain. Would it always be this way? Everyone she loved would want someone else? She would never be pretty or popular or magnetic enough to be better?

It would not be till later that she would be aware enough to know how grateful she was that she loved Oz with every fiber of her being. Loved him enough not to curse him. She would curse Veruca in a heartbeat - which slightly scared her, but more gave her a feeling of immense well being and satisfaction.

She didn't feel that way as she watched Veruca advancing towards her.

***

Oz stepped into the room.

"Don't touch her again." Veruca turned to face him and the desire was evident over her face.

"Come stop me. I like it rough, remember?"

"No," he said bluntly. "You wanna hurt me, hurt me. You leave her out of this."

"How can I? She's the reason you're living in cages. She's blinding you. When she's gone, you'll be able to admit
what you are."

"You don't wanna find out what I am." Oz didn't know himself, but he knew it had to be something awful to feel this
amount of rage.

"You're an animal. Animals kill." Their bodies began to change and for one clear moment, he felt at one with his
wolf. They looked toward the cowering redhead in the corner and felt protective, then they looked at the blonde and
the bloodlust rose over him.

"You're right. We kill."

***

Willow felt the tears overwhelm her as Buffy put Oz down and slipped her arms around her.

***

Willow entered the room thoughtfully. She'd been doing a lot of thinking over the past little while. She'd stayed away from Oz and thought about his words - how he said that the only thing he felt was something to do with his wolf. She thought about how she knew the temptation to give in to something you wanted, even if you knew it was wrong. She thought about her own rage as she'd tried to curse the one person she truly loved. She thought she could understand why he'd done what he'd done. But she had no idea what he'd been thinking.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going."

"Now?"

"Mm-hmm."

"That's your solution?"

"That's my decision."

"Don't I get any say in this?"

"No. Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time and I don't know where that line is
anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you...or anybody." The
tears began to well. So did the rage.

"Well, that could be a problem 'cause people...kind of a planetary epidemic."

"I'll find someplace."

"Well, how long?"

"I don't know."

"Oz, you can't do this. I can help you. I forgive you. We can help you figure out the wolf thing. Giles has many
books. I bet he hasn't even read them all. I won't let you leave."

"You can't stop me, Will. I have to do this."

"No, you don't. You're just running away. Buffy tried that, it's not a solution. You have to face this right where the
problem starts. We won't let you hurt anyone and we love you. I love you and I'm not going to give you up that
easily."

"If I thought it was so easy- You have no idea the kind of things that run in my head now. The instincts and cravings.
I don't want to hurt you."

"Oz...don't you love me?"

"My whole life," he said, pressing his lips to her forehead and then leaning against her in a silent, desperate
goodbye, "I've never loved anything else." He grabbed his bag and almost ran out the door.

"Oz." Willow crumpled to the floor.

***

Oz opened the door to his van and tried to drive away. But it was like he was stuck. He couldn't leave her. He knew he had to, he knew it was selfish to want to keep her. But he also had the feeling in the back of his head that it was selfish to try and be noble when she had the right to what she wanted as well.

He was being hasty. He wanted to be because when he stayed and he thought, he overdid everything. He didn't
want to make that mistake. Now, he had the feeling he was making a different one.

Veruca was driving him away and she was dead. Her words resounded through his entire body and he felt the wolf
howl in delight at finally being allowed to roam free. How could he think he could figure this out on his own? Oz was
in over his head.

He climbed out of the van and went back to his room. Willow met him at the door, sobbing, but determined.

"I can't do it," he gasped out, reaching for her. She clung to him.

"I won't let you."

"I have to figure this out," he said, kissing her again and again.

"I'll help. I'll research, I'll do spells."

"I'm so confused right now," he said. "I need to leave."

"No!" she said fiercely.

"I will come back," he assured her. "I just need a few days to cool down."

"You're always cool."

"Not inside. You know that. Now, not outside either. Just give me a few days, Will. I'll call you. I will come back."

Oz had never been more sure of anything in his life. He needed Willow no matter what he was dealing with.