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jesterladyficTitle: What Understanding Defies
By Jesterlady
Pairing: Tom/B'Elanna
Rating: PG
Summary: Tom paced around the sickbay anxiously. B’Elanna was lying on the bed, motionless, there by her own stupidity, some desire that he couldn’t understand. If – no, when – she woke up they were going to have the most epic fight they’d ever had.
Disclaimer: I don't own ST Voyager. The title is from Vienna Teng
What Understanding Defies
Tom paced around the sickbay anxiously, ignoring the Doctor’s attempts to keep him still and the Captain’s sigh of impatience at his movements. This was one time when he didn’t care what protocols or human decency required of him. B’Elanna was lying on the bed, motionless, there by her own stupidity, some desire that he couldn’t understand. If – no, when – she woke up they were going to have the most epic fight they’d ever had.
It was too long. Tom followed the Doctor’s orders blindly, his hands more familiar with the motions of medicine than he would have ever thought possible. The rote of routine helped a little bit, but not enough.
She sat up suddenly, inhaling wildly through her mouth. Tom was behind her, but before he could get around the table, B’Elanna had launched herself forward, grabbing the Captain in a tight hug. Tom instantly went and stood beside them, putting his hand to B’Elanna’s waist as the Captain hugged her back.
The Doctor interrupted them shortly after, hovering with tricorder scans, before announcing B’Elanna was in perfect health but he was prescribing a twenty four hour bed rest.
B’Elanna argued a little bit, but hardly with her usual vigor, which worried Tom more than anything. She did insist on resting in her own quarters.
“I’ll take you,” Tom said.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” B’Elanna said. “I can walk, I’m not even injured.”
“Perhaps you should do it for Tom’s sake, if not yours,” said the Captain wryly. “You weren’t here to see him pacing.”
“Fine,” B’Elanna muttered.
“My shift?” Tom said, looking to the Captain.
“I’ll take care of it,” she said. “Take care of her.”
“I’m fine,” protested B’Elanna.
“Sure you are,” Tom placated. “That’s why you’re going to walk to your quarters all by yourself and just see if I try and help you.”
She said something under her breath that could have been Klingon, but Tom wasn’t sure. Maybe she’d managed to learn the language while she was under and that’s why it had taken so long.
“I must insist you wear this cortical monitor,” said the Doctor, applying it to her neck.
They turned and left the sickbay, Tom turning to the other two and grimacing.
“Remember me fondly,” he said dramatically and then they left.
“You’re being stupid,” she said as they walked to the turbolift.
“Did no one ever tell you that words can hurt?” he said cheerfully, inwardly still seething.
She didn’t say anything until they reached her quarters and then she faced him abruptly.
“Look, I’m sorry. Maybe I should just sleep.”
“Sleep all you want,” he said, “but I’m coming with you.”
“You don’t own me,” she said viciously, but gestured for him to enter ahead of her.
“Obviously,” he retorted.
“What does that mean?” she asked, sitting down on her bed and vainly trying to hide a sigh of relief.
Tom knelt down on the floor next to her and started removing her boots.
“Did you even think about what it would do to me if you died on that bio bed?” he said quietly, focusing on his task.
“I didn’t die,” she said.
“That’s not what I asked,” he said, grabbing the boots and taking them into the closet.
He picked up her favorite sleepwear and brought it out to her.
“I don’t know what you’re going on about,” she said, taking the clothes he offered her. “We live dangerous lives; we’ve never let that get in the way before.”
“This wasn’t an away mission,” he said loudly, most of his restraint dissipating. “You didn’t just volunteer for a dangerous but necessary mission, you deliberately put your life at risk for values that you’ve never believed in before today.”
“Well, I believe them now,” she said. “Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“It means a lot of things,” he said. “I would never try to stop you from understanding your heritage, hell, I’m the one who’s encouraged you to do that, but you never had an interest before.”
“I can’t describe it, Tom,” she said. “I had to do this.”
“Who was forcing you?” he asked. “If I did something like that, you’d kill me.”
“You don’t know that,” she said sharply.
“Don’t I?” he asked. She sighed and began to change. “What? No answer at all?”
“I’m not going to answer until you stop being a jerk,” she said. “I went through one of the hardest and most emotional experiences of my life today and guess who I’d like to share that with only he’s acting like a petaQ!”
“Maybe I wouldn’t be acting like this if you had given a little bit of thought about what you put me through,” he returned. “We may not be married, but I thought we were a team. What you do affects me, affects my life. If you had died-” he stopped, choking on his words. “If you had died, I would not have taken it well,” he finished in a strangled voice.
She got off the bed and moved closer to him.
“I’m sorry,” she said in a much softer tone of voice. “This wasn’t about you and it wasn’t about us, Tom. I know that’s mean to say, but it went so much deeper than that. It was…a matter of honor. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I didn’t try and I would have hoped you could understand that.”
“You didn’t give me a chance to,” he said quietly.
“Let me tell you now,” she said, putting her hands on his face. “I want to tell you, to share it with you.”
“Okay,” he said, getting himself under control. “Tell me.”
She led him to the bed and they sat there together while she figured out what to say.
She spoke in low tones about being on the barge, about sacrificing herself for her mother, being condemned, seeing the shapes and figures of everyone she loved, struggling with their expectations of her, and her mother’s final deliverance.
“I just needed…something, my whole life,” she said. “I had a hole inside of me. Sometimes I can forget it’s there, but then I wake up and it’s back. I don’t know what life wants from me. My mother always made me feel unworthy and I just wanted a chance to prove what I could do. It was my fault, don’t you see?”
“How can you be sure it was real?” he asked, feeling a lot calmer, but still struggling to understand.
“You’ll just have to trust me on that,” she said. “Real or not, it changed something inside of me. I don’t feel that hole, not really.”
“It was a big chance to take on the basis of a hunch,” he said.
She looked him straight in the eyes.
“As much as I love you, Tom, there are some things that neither of us will be able to avoid. We won’t always be able to be together and there are risks every day. You take the risks for the things you believe in, don’t you, Ensign?” she said pointedly.
“I take your point,” he said. “But you agreed with me, you encouraged me, and I wouldn’t have done it without that.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “You did agree.”
“I was coerced,” he pointed out.
“I know,” she said. “I just want to say that I do think of you when I make decisions.”
“Gee, what a lot of synapses you must have burned on me,” he said sarcastically.
She rolled her eyes at him.
“Stop being juvenile.”
“I’m not,” he said. “I’m just trying to understand. I can to a point, but you were so reckless. It was just…too hard to watch you lying there.”
She was quiet for a minute, seemingly thinking.
“I never felt comfortable around my parents,” she said. “I never felt good enough for them. Can you relate to that?”
“You know I can,” he said, “but-”
“But nothing,” she interrupted. “If you could gain your father’s approval by giving your life for him, or even just to make up for all the pain and grief you caused him, would you do it?”
He tried to think about it, but there were just too many variables to his relationship with his father.
“I don’t think my dear old dad believes in Stolvakor,” he said thoughtfully. “I doubt I’ll get the chance. Still…making things right with the Admiral has never been high on my list of things to die for.”
“You say that, but I know you better,” she said. “This is me you’re talking to, remember?”
“Can’t put anything past you,” he said lightly.
“You can’t get out of it with a joke either,” she said. “I realize I cost you considerable pain, but please just answer my question.”
“Sometimes,” he said, shrugging the shoulders. “Most of the time I’m too angry with him to want to please him, but if we could both just make things better…it would mean everything.”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” she said wryly. “Does that help you understand even a little bit?”
“I suppose,” he said, taking her shoulders in his hands. “But not enough. I need you more than I need the Admiral.”
“I need you more than I need my mother,” she said. “That won’t change. There might not always be time for a conversation before something like this happens.”
“I know,” he said, “I know, but I just felt…not enough all over again.”
“Oh,” she said in a small voice.
“None of that,” he said, kissing her to get her to look up again. “Our relationship is not going to turn into a system of weighs and balances. I know you didn’t mean it, but just try to think about these things?”
“I will,” she said. “I do.”
“Do you trust me?” he asked, looking over her shoulder, because he wasn’t sure he really wanted to look at her face.
“With my life,” she said, forcing him to look at her. “You are the most important person in the universe to me.”
“That’s a burden,” he quipped. “Not sure that’s wise.”
“You’re up to the task,” she said, “when you’re not being an idiot.”
“Well, if you weren’t so stubborn,” he teased.
“Shut up,” she said, kissing him harder than he had her.
He was all too willing to oblige, wrapping his arms around her.
He broke their kiss a few minutes later because any more of that and she wouldn’t be sleeping for any of the twenty four hours she’d been allotted and he was pretty sure the Captain hadn’t given them leave so they could do what he’d really like to be doing about now.
“You need your rest,” he said, kissing her eyelids, running his hands down her arms.
“You sound like the Doctor,” she retorted.
“Ouch,” he said. “That hurt worse than any of what I said before.”
“Baby,” she said, kissing him again.
“Ouch again,” he replied against her lips, not really able to come up with anything better to say at the moment.
A few hours later she was sleeping rather soundly and he was lying on his side watching her just as he had while she’d been under.
It felt better, much better, to know she was simply asleep, not on a barge headed for hell, and not on a crazy suicide mission. He could understand much better why she’d done it. He still felt unsure about himself, but he had the feeling it was just something he’d have to live with. There wasn’t much else he could do. He knew her, trusted her, but he wouldn’t contain her, trap her into something she wasn’t, all for the sake of his heart.
Perhaps, after all, she had made steps forward today, releasing the demons that had long held her captive. He would have to trust her, especially if he wanted her to trust him back.
“I love you, B’Elanna,” he murmured into her ear, feeling sleepy himself. “Don’t ever leave me.”
They were words empty of a double meaning. He said it simply for the reason that he wanted to say it. Naturally she said nothing in return and he wrapped his arms around her more securely and let himself drift off.
By Jesterlady
Pairing: Tom/B'Elanna
Rating: PG
Summary: Tom paced around the sickbay anxiously. B’Elanna was lying on the bed, motionless, there by her own stupidity, some desire that he couldn’t understand. If – no, when – she woke up they were going to have the most epic fight they’d ever had.
Disclaimer: I don't own ST Voyager. The title is from Vienna Teng
What Understanding Defies
Tom paced around the sickbay anxiously, ignoring the Doctor’s attempts to keep him still and the Captain’s sigh of impatience at his movements. This was one time when he didn’t care what protocols or human decency required of him. B’Elanna was lying on the bed, motionless, there by her own stupidity, some desire that he couldn’t understand. If – no, when – she woke up they were going to have the most epic fight they’d ever had.
It was too long. Tom followed the Doctor’s orders blindly, his hands more familiar with the motions of medicine than he would have ever thought possible. The rote of routine helped a little bit, but not enough.
She sat up suddenly, inhaling wildly through her mouth. Tom was behind her, but before he could get around the table, B’Elanna had launched herself forward, grabbing the Captain in a tight hug. Tom instantly went and stood beside them, putting his hand to B’Elanna’s waist as the Captain hugged her back.
The Doctor interrupted them shortly after, hovering with tricorder scans, before announcing B’Elanna was in perfect health but he was prescribing a twenty four hour bed rest.
B’Elanna argued a little bit, but hardly with her usual vigor, which worried Tom more than anything. She did insist on resting in her own quarters.
“I’ll take you,” Tom said.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” B’Elanna said. “I can walk, I’m not even injured.”
“Perhaps you should do it for Tom’s sake, if not yours,” said the Captain wryly. “You weren’t here to see him pacing.”
“Fine,” B’Elanna muttered.
“My shift?” Tom said, looking to the Captain.
“I’ll take care of it,” she said. “Take care of her.”
“I’m fine,” protested B’Elanna.
“Sure you are,” Tom placated. “That’s why you’re going to walk to your quarters all by yourself and just see if I try and help you.”
She said something under her breath that could have been Klingon, but Tom wasn’t sure. Maybe she’d managed to learn the language while she was under and that’s why it had taken so long.
“I must insist you wear this cortical monitor,” said the Doctor, applying it to her neck.
They turned and left the sickbay, Tom turning to the other two and grimacing.
“Remember me fondly,” he said dramatically and then they left.
“You’re being stupid,” she said as they walked to the turbolift.
“Did no one ever tell you that words can hurt?” he said cheerfully, inwardly still seething.
She didn’t say anything until they reached her quarters and then she faced him abruptly.
“Look, I’m sorry. Maybe I should just sleep.”
“Sleep all you want,” he said, “but I’m coming with you.”
“You don’t own me,” she said viciously, but gestured for him to enter ahead of her.
“Obviously,” he retorted.
“What does that mean?” she asked, sitting down on her bed and vainly trying to hide a sigh of relief.
Tom knelt down on the floor next to her and started removing her boots.
“Did you even think about what it would do to me if you died on that bio bed?” he said quietly, focusing on his task.
“I didn’t die,” she said.
“That’s not what I asked,” he said, grabbing the boots and taking them into the closet.
He picked up her favorite sleepwear and brought it out to her.
“I don’t know what you’re going on about,” she said, taking the clothes he offered her. “We live dangerous lives; we’ve never let that get in the way before.”
“This wasn’t an away mission,” he said loudly, most of his restraint dissipating. “You didn’t just volunteer for a dangerous but necessary mission, you deliberately put your life at risk for values that you’ve never believed in before today.”
“Well, I believe them now,” she said. “Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“It means a lot of things,” he said. “I would never try to stop you from understanding your heritage, hell, I’m the one who’s encouraged you to do that, but you never had an interest before.”
“I can’t describe it, Tom,” she said. “I had to do this.”
“Who was forcing you?” he asked. “If I did something like that, you’d kill me.”
“You don’t know that,” she said sharply.
“Don’t I?” he asked. She sighed and began to change. “What? No answer at all?”
“I’m not going to answer until you stop being a jerk,” she said. “I went through one of the hardest and most emotional experiences of my life today and guess who I’d like to share that with only he’s acting like a petaQ!”
“Maybe I wouldn’t be acting like this if you had given a little bit of thought about what you put me through,” he returned. “We may not be married, but I thought we were a team. What you do affects me, affects my life. If you had died-” he stopped, choking on his words. “If you had died, I would not have taken it well,” he finished in a strangled voice.
She got off the bed and moved closer to him.
“I’m sorry,” she said in a much softer tone of voice. “This wasn’t about you and it wasn’t about us, Tom. I know that’s mean to say, but it went so much deeper than that. It was…a matter of honor. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I didn’t try and I would have hoped you could understand that.”
“You didn’t give me a chance to,” he said quietly.
“Let me tell you now,” she said, putting her hands on his face. “I want to tell you, to share it with you.”
“Okay,” he said, getting himself under control. “Tell me.”
She led him to the bed and they sat there together while she figured out what to say.
She spoke in low tones about being on the barge, about sacrificing herself for her mother, being condemned, seeing the shapes and figures of everyone she loved, struggling with their expectations of her, and her mother’s final deliverance.
“I just needed…something, my whole life,” she said. “I had a hole inside of me. Sometimes I can forget it’s there, but then I wake up and it’s back. I don’t know what life wants from me. My mother always made me feel unworthy and I just wanted a chance to prove what I could do. It was my fault, don’t you see?”
“How can you be sure it was real?” he asked, feeling a lot calmer, but still struggling to understand.
“You’ll just have to trust me on that,” she said. “Real or not, it changed something inside of me. I don’t feel that hole, not really.”
“It was a big chance to take on the basis of a hunch,” he said.
She looked him straight in the eyes.
“As much as I love you, Tom, there are some things that neither of us will be able to avoid. We won’t always be able to be together and there are risks every day. You take the risks for the things you believe in, don’t you, Ensign?” she said pointedly.
“I take your point,” he said. “But you agreed with me, you encouraged me, and I wouldn’t have done it without that.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “You did agree.”
“I was coerced,” he pointed out.
“I know,” she said. “I just want to say that I do think of you when I make decisions.”
“Gee, what a lot of synapses you must have burned on me,” he said sarcastically.
She rolled her eyes at him.
“Stop being juvenile.”
“I’m not,” he said. “I’m just trying to understand. I can to a point, but you were so reckless. It was just…too hard to watch you lying there.”
She was quiet for a minute, seemingly thinking.
“I never felt comfortable around my parents,” she said. “I never felt good enough for them. Can you relate to that?”
“You know I can,” he said, “but-”
“But nothing,” she interrupted. “If you could gain your father’s approval by giving your life for him, or even just to make up for all the pain and grief you caused him, would you do it?”
He tried to think about it, but there were just too many variables to his relationship with his father.
“I don’t think my dear old dad believes in Stolvakor,” he said thoughtfully. “I doubt I’ll get the chance. Still…making things right with the Admiral has never been high on my list of things to die for.”
“You say that, but I know you better,” she said. “This is me you’re talking to, remember?”
“Can’t put anything past you,” he said lightly.
“You can’t get out of it with a joke either,” she said. “I realize I cost you considerable pain, but please just answer my question.”
“Sometimes,” he said, shrugging the shoulders. “Most of the time I’m too angry with him to want to please him, but if we could both just make things better…it would mean everything.”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” she said wryly. “Does that help you understand even a little bit?”
“I suppose,” he said, taking her shoulders in his hands. “But not enough. I need you more than I need the Admiral.”
“I need you more than I need my mother,” she said. “That won’t change. There might not always be time for a conversation before something like this happens.”
“I know,” he said, “I know, but I just felt…not enough all over again.”
“Oh,” she said in a small voice.
“None of that,” he said, kissing her to get her to look up again. “Our relationship is not going to turn into a system of weighs and balances. I know you didn’t mean it, but just try to think about these things?”
“I will,” she said. “I do.”
“Do you trust me?” he asked, looking over her shoulder, because he wasn’t sure he really wanted to look at her face.
“With my life,” she said, forcing him to look at her. “You are the most important person in the universe to me.”
“That’s a burden,” he quipped. “Not sure that’s wise.”
“You’re up to the task,” she said, “when you’re not being an idiot.”
“Well, if you weren’t so stubborn,” he teased.
“Shut up,” she said, kissing him harder than he had her.
He was all too willing to oblige, wrapping his arms around her.
He broke their kiss a few minutes later because any more of that and she wouldn’t be sleeping for any of the twenty four hours she’d been allotted and he was pretty sure the Captain hadn’t given them leave so they could do what he’d really like to be doing about now.
“You need your rest,” he said, kissing her eyelids, running his hands down her arms.
“You sound like the Doctor,” she retorted.
“Ouch,” he said. “That hurt worse than any of what I said before.”
“Baby,” she said, kissing him again.
“Ouch again,” he replied against her lips, not really able to come up with anything better to say at the moment.
A few hours later she was sleeping rather soundly and he was lying on his side watching her just as he had while she’d been under.
It felt better, much better, to know she was simply asleep, not on a barge headed for hell, and not on a crazy suicide mission. He could understand much better why she’d done it. He still felt unsure about himself, but he had the feeling it was just something he’d have to live with. There wasn’t much else he could do. He knew her, trusted her, but he wouldn’t contain her, trap her into something she wasn’t, all for the sake of his heart.
Perhaps, after all, she had made steps forward today, releasing the demons that had long held her captive. He would have to trust her, especially if he wanted her to trust him back.
“I love you, B’Elanna,” he murmured into her ear, feeling sleepy himself. “Don’t ever leave me.”
They were words empty of a double meaning. He said it simply for the reason that he wanted to say it. Naturally she said nothing in return and he wrapped his arms around her more securely and let himself drift off.
