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jesterladyficTitle: Render Railing for Railing
by jesterlady
Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Rating: PG
Summary: After the events with Ransom, Chakotay and Kathryn have a long talk ahead of them
Disclaimer: I don't own ST Voyager. Some lines are from the show. The title is by John Bunyan
Render Railing for Railing
Chakotay had spent quite a few hours in his quarters pacing. He felt absolutely helpless and was furious about it. Not only was he summarily dismissed and bound by protocols he only held dear because of her, she was breaking past them herself with a vengeance and that frightened him.
Now it was all over and she’d done the right thing in the end. He’d hoped she would and he was glad she had, but his absolute faith in her had cracks in it and that scared him more than anything.
When she had reinstated him to his command she’d done it without looking directly at him and he wondered if that was because of disappointment or shame.
He watched her dress down what was left of the Equinox’s crew and would most likely have left afterwards himself if she hadn’t asked in a quiet voice.
“Repairs?”
“Coming along,” he said.
“How's the crew?” she asked, still not looking at him.
“A lot of frayed nerves,” he answered, gripping the back of a chair. “Neelix is organizing a potluck
to help boost morale.”
There was a horrible, stilted silence for a moment before she sighed and spoke again.
“Will I see you there?”
Something in his insides untwisted and he released his own sigh.
“I'm replicating the salad.”
“I'll bring the croutons,” she said, a bone weariness inherent in her words. She turned and stepped closer to him. “Chakotay…you know, you may have had good reason to stage a little mutiny of your own.”
“The thought had occurred to me,” he said honestly, “but…that would have been crossing the line.”
“Thank you,” she said and turned to go to the bridge.
“You’re just going to leave it there, Kathryn?”
She stopped and sagged slightly.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to give me an explanation for why you started acting like Ransom in your hunt to catch him.”
“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?” she said, her voice sharp.
“No, I only wish I’d said it sooner.”
“Do you like your quarters so much?” she asked, turning toward him.
He flinched slightly from the absolute exhaustion on her face, but it was his job to say these things
to her, not just as her first officer but as her friend.
“We’re not in a crisis, Kathryn,” he said. “I’m not just speaking as your first officer. Please do me
the courtesy to leave rank out of this for a moment.”
“With you it’s never just about rank,” she said before spreading wide her arms. “Fine, give it to me.
Get it all out of your system.”
“What’s happening to you?” he said, stepping closer to her. “I’ve never seen you so cavalierly risk
someone’s life like that.”
“I took a risk,” she said dully.
“That’s nonsense,” he said. “You were so desperate to catch Ransom that you would have broken the very
same principles that you despised him for breaking. I just don’t know why. Is this the way it’s going
to be? Am I going to turn into Max? Will we need to start fiddling with the Doctor’s program to make
sure he doesn’t call us out? Do we get home at any cost? Revenge at any cost?”
“It’s funny to hear you advocating for Starfleet principles,” she said, smiling a bit. “You’ve always
encouraged me to look outside the box and twist things to our situation.”
“And you’ve proven to me time and again that our situation requires we hold true to the most basic
morals and ethics we believe in or we’ll all turn into monsters,” he said. “I believed you, I held you
up as my example, and I followed you into battle knowing that you had the strength to hold to your
moral character.”
“I’ve had to make hard choices before.”
“Yes, you have, and I backed you even when I didn’t agree because the differences were in leadership
style and experience. I have never felt that I couldn’t trust you to do the right thing. Until now.”
“I have always depended on your support,” she said sharply, “and I’ve never felt so abandoned by you.”
“Being a first officer is not about making sure you feel emotionally supported,” he said, “at least
not all the time. More importantly, Kathryn, you mean the world to me and I looked into your face and
I didn’t even recognize you. It scared the hell out of me and still does.”
“What do you want me to say?” she asked. “That I was wrong? Well, maybe I was. Fine, I know I was
walking the line. I was so angry, Chakotay, so angry. Ransom had taken everything that I am and that I
believe in and twisted it into this toxic and evil lifestyle that is everything I abhor.”
“I know,” he said gently. “I think so too. Every time I think about what they did, it makes me sick
inside. But what would destroy me is if you were to do it too.”
“Then why didn’t you stop me?” she said after a long pause.
“Because someone had to hold to the example this time,” he said. “You obviously needed it to be me.
Tuvoc told me when he confined me to quarters that he was as concerned as I was. I trusted him to look
out for you. I trusted you to do the right thing. And you did.”
“I was lucky,” she said.
“In some ways,” he agreed. “Ransom made the right decision in the end, but you still made the decision
to trust him. Why did you?”
“I thought about what you said,” she said. “I thought about what you did. I thought about my own
actions. I looked at his face and it was too much like mine.”
“Would you really have given over the Equinox to the aliens?” he asked quietly.
“I did,” she said.
“Just a ship,” he replied.
“I don’t know what I would have done before Ransom turned,” she said. “But I’m a bit scared myself of
what it might have been.”
“You came through,” he said. “I doubted you, but you came through anyway.”
“No,” she said, coming closer to him and looking him in the eyes for the first time in what felt like
forever. “You doubted for all the right reasons but you let me lock you away anyway. Don’t let me do
that again because I can’t get this crew back without you.”
He grabbed her shoulders and held her lightly in front of him.
“We all make mistakes,” he said. “You’ve certainly forgiven me more than my fair share.”
“Now we appear to be back to normal,” she said wryly. “You’re playing the rebel and I’m the Captain.”
“You will always be the Captain,” he said firmly. “I admit, I’m shaken, I’m worried about our
relationship, but you will always be my Captain.”
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” she said. “I hate disagreeing with you.”
“We promised after the Borg that we would represent a united front,” he said. “What happened to us?”
“I lost my temper,” she said.
“We have to work on this, Kathryn,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“More than anyone I’ve ever met,” she said. “That’s what made me so angry.”
“Then what happens now?” he asked.
“The same thing that always does,” she said wearily. “We pick ourselves up and start rebuilding.”
“You and me against the Delta Quadrant?” he asked.
“That’s my preferred method of attack.”
“Permission to act freely?” he asked.
She raised her eyebrow but nodded.
He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly against him. She was stiff at first. They touched
often, Kathryn was a very tactile person, and though each of them had expressed a desire for more,
their situation had always required restraint, and embraces were usually out of the question by
necessity.
He didn’t move, simply exhaled and rested his chin on her shoulder. Slowly her arms came up and
embraced him back, for one second clutching at him with all she was worth. He knew how terribly lonely
the burden of command was and he always strove to protect her from that if he could, but somehow they
had both failed this time.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered into his shoulder. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“I’m sorry too,” he said. “Thank you for coming through.”
“This can’t last outside this moment,” she said.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, trying to keep it light.
“But I needed it,” she admitted.
“Me too,” he said.
“There was a…chasm between us earlier.”
“Consider this a bridge,” he said.
“Rope with planks missing?” she asked.
“We’ll repair it as we go,” he said.
They didn’t stay there long. There was too much to do. They had duties and responsibilities.
He gradually pulled back and lifted up his hands to frame her face. She stayed very still and he
kissed her forehead. When she didn’t say anything, he lowered his head and just brushed his lips
across hers before instantly releasing her and backing away.
“Shall we?” she said, after staring at him for a long moment.
“After you,” he said.
She walked onto the bridge and started, kneeling down to pick up Voyager’s plaque.
“Will you look at that? All these years, all these battles, this thing's never fallen down before,”
she said.
If that wasn’t a symbolic gesture on the part of the universe Chakotay didn’t know what was. He gently
took it from her.
“Let's put it back up where it belongs.”
She smiled and it reached her eyes.
They did it together.
by jesterlady
Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Rating: PG
Summary: After the events with Ransom, Chakotay and Kathryn have a long talk ahead of them
Disclaimer: I don't own ST Voyager. Some lines are from the show. The title is by John Bunyan
Render Railing for Railing
Chakotay had spent quite a few hours in his quarters pacing. He felt absolutely helpless and was furious about it. Not only was he summarily dismissed and bound by protocols he only held dear because of her, she was breaking past them herself with a vengeance and that frightened him.
Now it was all over and she’d done the right thing in the end. He’d hoped she would and he was glad she had, but his absolute faith in her had cracks in it and that scared him more than anything.
When she had reinstated him to his command she’d done it without looking directly at him and he wondered if that was because of disappointment or shame.
He watched her dress down what was left of the Equinox’s crew and would most likely have left afterwards himself if she hadn’t asked in a quiet voice.
“Repairs?”
“Coming along,” he said.
“How's the crew?” she asked, still not looking at him.
“A lot of frayed nerves,” he answered, gripping the back of a chair. “Neelix is organizing a potluck
to help boost morale.”
There was a horrible, stilted silence for a moment before she sighed and spoke again.
“Will I see you there?”
Something in his insides untwisted and he released his own sigh.
“I'm replicating the salad.”
“I'll bring the croutons,” she said, a bone weariness inherent in her words. She turned and stepped closer to him. “Chakotay…you know, you may have had good reason to stage a little mutiny of your own.”
“The thought had occurred to me,” he said honestly, “but…that would have been crossing the line.”
“Thank you,” she said and turned to go to the bridge.
“You’re just going to leave it there, Kathryn?”
She stopped and sagged slightly.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to give me an explanation for why you started acting like Ransom in your hunt to catch him.”
“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?” she said, her voice sharp.
“No, I only wish I’d said it sooner.”
“Do you like your quarters so much?” she asked, turning toward him.
He flinched slightly from the absolute exhaustion on her face, but it was his job to say these things
to her, not just as her first officer but as her friend.
“We’re not in a crisis, Kathryn,” he said. “I’m not just speaking as your first officer. Please do me
the courtesy to leave rank out of this for a moment.”
“With you it’s never just about rank,” she said before spreading wide her arms. “Fine, give it to me.
Get it all out of your system.”
“What’s happening to you?” he said, stepping closer to her. “I’ve never seen you so cavalierly risk
someone’s life like that.”
“I took a risk,” she said dully.
“That’s nonsense,” he said. “You were so desperate to catch Ransom that you would have broken the very
same principles that you despised him for breaking. I just don’t know why. Is this the way it’s going
to be? Am I going to turn into Max? Will we need to start fiddling with the Doctor’s program to make
sure he doesn’t call us out? Do we get home at any cost? Revenge at any cost?”
“It’s funny to hear you advocating for Starfleet principles,” she said, smiling a bit. “You’ve always
encouraged me to look outside the box and twist things to our situation.”
“And you’ve proven to me time and again that our situation requires we hold true to the most basic
morals and ethics we believe in or we’ll all turn into monsters,” he said. “I believed you, I held you
up as my example, and I followed you into battle knowing that you had the strength to hold to your
moral character.”
“I’ve had to make hard choices before.”
“Yes, you have, and I backed you even when I didn’t agree because the differences were in leadership
style and experience. I have never felt that I couldn’t trust you to do the right thing. Until now.”
“I have always depended on your support,” she said sharply, “and I’ve never felt so abandoned by you.”
“Being a first officer is not about making sure you feel emotionally supported,” he said, “at least
not all the time. More importantly, Kathryn, you mean the world to me and I looked into your face and
I didn’t even recognize you. It scared the hell out of me and still does.”
“What do you want me to say?” she asked. “That I was wrong? Well, maybe I was. Fine, I know I was
walking the line. I was so angry, Chakotay, so angry. Ransom had taken everything that I am and that I
believe in and twisted it into this toxic and evil lifestyle that is everything I abhor.”
“I know,” he said gently. “I think so too. Every time I think about what they did, it makes me sick
inside. But what would destroy me is if you were to do it too.”
“Then why didn’t you stop me?” she said after a long pause.
“Because someone had to hold to the example this time,” he said. “You obviously needed it to be me.
Tuvoc told me when he confined me to quarters that he was as concerned as I was. I trusted him to look
out for you. I trusted you to do the right thing. And you did.”
“I was lucky,” she said.
“In some ways,” he agreed. “Ransom made the right decision in the end, but you still made the decision
to trust him. Why did you?”
“I thought about what you said,” she said. “I thought about what you did. I thought about my own
actions. I looked at his face and it was too much like mine.”
“Would you really have given over the Equinox to the aliens?” he asked quietly.
“I did,” she said.
“Just a ship,” he replied.
“I don’t know what I would have done before Ransom turned,” she said. “But I’m a bit scared myself of
what it might have been.”
“You came through,” he said. “I doubted you, but you came through anyway.”
“No,” she said, coming closer to him and looking him in the eyes for the first time in what felt like
forever. “You doubted for all the right reasons but you let me lock you away anyway. Don’t let me do
that again because I can’t get this crew back without you.”
He grabbed her shoulders and held her lightly in front of him.
“We all make mistakes,” he said. “You’ve certainly forgiven me more than my fair share.”
“Now we appear to be back to normal,” she said wryly. “You’re playing the rebel and I’m the Captain.”
“You will always be the Captain,” he said firmly. “I admit, I’m shaken, I’m worried about our
relationship, but you will always be my Captain.”
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” she said. “I hate disagreeing with you.”
“We promised after the Borg that we would represent a united front,” he said. “What happened to us?”
“I lost my temper,” she said.
“We have to work on this, Kathryn,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“More than anyone I’ve ever met,” she said. “That’s what made me so angry.”
“Then what happens now?” he asked.
“The same thing that always does,” she said wearily. “We pick ourselves up and start rebuilding.”
“You and me against the Delta Quadrant?” he asked.
“That’s my preferred method of attack.”
“Permission to act freely?” he asked.
She raised her eyebrow but nodded.
He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly against him. She was stiff at first. They touched
often, Kathryn was a very tactile person, and though each of them had expressed a desire for more,
their situation had always required restraint, and embraces were usually out of the question by
necessity.
He didn’t move, simply exhaled and rested his chin on her shoulder. Slowly her arms came up and
embraced him back, for one second clutching at him with all she was worth. He knew how terribly lonely
the burden of command was and he always strove to protect her from that if he could, but somehow they
had both failed this time.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered into his shoulder. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“I’m sorry too,” he said. “Thank you for coming through.”
“This can’t last outside this moment,” she said.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, trying to keep it light.
“But I needed it,” she admitted.
“Me too,” he said.
“There was a…chasm between us earlier.”
“Consider this a bridge,” he said.
“Rope with planks missing?” she asked.
“We’ll repair it as we go,” he said.
They didn’t stay there long. There was too much to do. They had duties and responsibilities.
He gradually pulled back and lifted up his hands to frame her face. She stayed very still and he
kissed her forehead. When she didn’t say anything, he lowered his head and just brushed his lips
across hers before instantly releasing her and backing away.
“Shall we?” she said, after staring at him for a long moment.
“After you,” he said.
She walked onto the bridge and started, kneeling down to pick up Voyager’s plaque.
“Will you look at that? All these years, all these battles, this thing's never fallen down before,”
she said.
If that wasn’t a symbolic gesture on the part of the universe Chakotay didn’t know what was. He gently
took it from her.
“Let's put it back up where it belongs.”
She smiled and it reached her eyes.
They did it together.
