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jesterladyficTitle: Like An Unforeseen Kiss
by Jesterlady
Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Summary: The receipt of a certain 'dear John' letter bring other things to light
Disclaimer: I don't own ST Voyager. Some lines are from the show. The title is by David Crowder.
Like An Unforeseen Kiss
Chakotay made his way into the Captain’s ready room, making his report. Once he’d finished he motioned to her.
“You haven't mentioned your letter. Who was it from?”
He had his own theories and his own feelings on the subject. He was still reeling from his letter, but he had enough energy to spare to want to find out about hers. Perhaps it would distract him from the horror of what had happened to his friends.
Kathryn grimaced and her face took on a self-deprecating smile.
“It was from Mark. He told me about the litter of puppies my dog had, how he found homes for them, how devastated he was when Voyager was lost, how he held out hopes we were alive longer than most people did until he realized that he was clinging to a fantasy.” She got up and began walking over to the window. “So he began living his life again. Meeting people, letting go of the past.” She sat down and folded her legs. “About four months ago he married a woman who works with him. He's very happy.”
He could see the disappointment in her eyes, but she was being very stoic. His heart constricted for her, he knew what it was like to be told he wasn’t enough for someone, to be left behind. It couldn’t stop the feeling of guilt from disappearing from his gut though.
“How do you feel about that?” he asked, sitting next to her.
“Well, I knew he'd eventually move on with his life, but there was such a finality to that letter,” she said, her tone pondering. “We forget that there’s a whole other life going on in the Delta Quadrant, at least I do. Just a bit of a shock. Not that I blame him for doing it this way, how else was he going to do it, but it’s just not how I would have wanted it to end between us.”
“I’m sure he never meant to hurt you,” he said.
“No,” she agreed wryly. “The letter was pure Mark, everything coated with comfort, bits of truth scattered all over the place.”
Chakotay opened his mouth but they were interrupted by someone triggering red alert and they were called to the bridge.
It was a busy few hours after that dealing with the Hirogen, rescuing Tuvoc and Seven, and trying to save as much of the letters and message as they could.
Chakotay was exhausted by the time he got up from the bridge to follow Kathryn into her ready room again. She passed by Harry first, inquiring after his letter.
Harry was grinning from ear to ear, everything bright and happy.
“It was from my folks,” he said. “They’re doing well. They miss me. They only allowed one letter per person so my girlfriend Libby tagged a message on theirs. She’s good too.”
“Good for you, Ensign,” Kathryn said softly and then turned away.
Chakotay caught the look on her face and schooled his face into an impassive look of his own before following her, reporting.
“Repair teams have inspected the ship from stem to stern. Except for some maintenance that's needed on the warp coils, everything seems fine.”
“I suppose so,” she said. “Want some coffee?”
“Thanks,” he said.
A cup would do wonders about now.
“Cream and sugar, huh?” she asked.
“Two sugars,” he said.
“Oh, two sugars!” she said, flashing him a surprised look.
“You know, you drink too much of that stuff,” he said, following her and grabbing his own mug.
“Really?” she asked.
“If I'm not mistaken that's your third cup this morning,” he said.
“Fourth,” she corrected, “and on a day like today it won't be my last.” She sat down and took her first sip. “Coffee - the finest organic suspension ever devised. It's got me through the worst of the last three years. I beat the Borg with it.” She turned serious again and returned to the matter at hand. “Oh, I'm sure Voyager will be fine, but I'm worried that the crew might be a different story. I think they were hoping mail call would become a regular part of their day.”
“Neelix is putting together an impromptu party. He thought it might cheer them up.”
“Good idea. When will it be?”
“As soon as he can get people together,” he replied.
“Leave it to Neelix to come up with the right idea at the right time,” she said, taking another drink.
He studied her for a second before speaking again.
“How are you doing?”
“Me? I'm fine,” she said, a little too lightly.
“You'd say that if you'd just had your legs torn off by a Trakan Beast,” he retorted. “Look what you've been through in the last few days. We finally make a connection with home and then it's ripped away from us. We manage to make another enemy who's going to try and hunt us down and destroy us, and on top of that…”
He stopped, not sure if he should keep going or not. They were close, but the topics of conversation allowed between them seemed to vary.
“It's all right. You can say it,” she said, putting her mug down. “On top of all that, I got a dear John letter.” She laughed slightly and looked at him. “It wasn't really a surprise. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me considering the circumstances.” She looked down for a second. “It made me realize that I was using him as a safety net, you know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else.”
He almost choked on his own coffee. That was not what he had been expecting her to say.
“You don't have that safety net anymore,” he said carefully.
“That’s right,” she said, meeting his eyes. The determination in them made him start. “I don’t.”
“I don’t suppose you had a particular someone in mind?” he asked casually.
She twisted her lips.
“You know I do.”
“I don’t want to play games, Kathryn,” he said, putting down his mug. “There’s enough of that in our lives. You and I have had an understanding since New Earth that we weren’t going to talk about what happened there and that it wasn’t fair to each other to hang on to what could never be, both because of Mark and because of our positions on this ship.”
“I see,” she said. “Getting right down to it, are we?”
“You brought it up,” he said. “I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy the coded banter, but in this case, we have too much at stake to risk any misunderstanding.”
“Then let me be clear,” she said, smiling slightly. “A good deal of the reason why there could never be anything between us was our positions on this ship. But I’ve realized in the last few hours that it was more about Mark than I thought.”
“In what way?” he asked.
“I felt guilty for wanting another man,” she said. “It wasn’t his fault I’d been flung into the farthest reaches of the universe with you. New Earth…it changed things definitely, but the fact remained I was still doing my best to get back to someone else.”
“I knew that,” he said. “I felt guilty for that myself. You belonged to someone else.”
“I guess he just didn’t know he belonged to me,” she said. “Again, not that he had any reason to know it.”
“Then we still have two problems,” he said.
“What are they?”
“You’re still the Captain and I’m still your first officer. And…if Mark was holding you back, then I don’t want to be your rebound.”
“One thing at a time,” she said. “You’ve been more to me than…well, let’s just say I’m pretty sure my rebound period is over.”
“Then what about the crew?” he asked.
“You tell me, you’re my connection to them,” she said.
Chakotay winced and shrugged.
“Well, it was reported to me only the other day that Ensign Harper had referred to us as Mommy and Daddy. Scuttlebutt around the mess hall is that there is a betting pool about when we’re going to finally…get together,” he finished delicately.
She laughed and he glared at her.
“I’m sorry, but your face,” she said. “Sounds to me like the crew is all for it.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Are you all for it? Do you think you could keep enough of a distance that would let you do your job? Aren’t you worried about the chain of command?”
“I do,” she said. “I worry about it every day. But even though we've made contact with home, Chakotay, they’re still on the other side of the galaxy. We could be dead before Voyager reaches home. I have to consider the possibility that I might never get to do any of the things I always thought I’d have a chance to do, simply because of our situation.”
“That doesn’t sound like you. You wouldn’t ever give up.”
“I’m not,” she said, putting her hand over his. “I will never give up. This ship is getting home. But I’m starting to realize that a stressed Captain is no good for this ship.”
“And I help you to un-stress?” he asked.
“You’re my lifeline,” she said honestly. “I can’t thank you enough for that.”
“Keeping you happy is my main job,” he said, starting to wonder if now was an appropriate time to kiss her senseless.
“You seem to be hesitant,” she said. “I don’t want to presume that what you said before on New Earth is still true. A lot has changed since then. If you don’t feel the same way-”
“I do,” he said, interrupting her.
“Then what do you say?” she asked. “Feel like taking the leap?”
“I never thought it would happen this way,” he said, entwining his fingers in hers. “I would have thought you would stubbornly cling to your position and I would be the one persuading you.”
“I’m not always right,” she said in the tone of a conspirator. “Don’t tell anyone. I know that our lives are rather eventful and there’s not much room to pursue a relationship. But I never realized how alone I was until I got that letter.”
“You're hardly alone,” he said, leaning forward, his mouth hovering next to hers, “and to my way of thinking, there's still plenty of time.”
“Plenty of time,” she agreed, before closing the distance.
They’d kissed before, but it had been under very different circumstances. Her lips were rough, she’d probably been chewing on them during the battle with the Hirogen, but they still felt warm under his. She brought her hand up to his face and her fingers grazed the tattoo over his temple. He was a little bit inclined to think he was dreaming the whole situation, but her body next to his felt very real and he was quite happy to keep dreaming.
His hands went to her waist, pulling her closer. Her breath against his started to sound ragged and he was enjoying the way his stomach was sending jolts through his whole system and how her hands felt against his skin.
“Neelix to the ready room. The party's about to begin and there are only two people missing.”
Neelix’s voice jolted Chakotay out of his happy daze and he pulled back sharply. Kathryn looked just as confused and then started to laugh, he joined her.
“The kids are calling,” he said, trying to control his breathing.
“I guess they do have to come first,” she said. “But you and I are not done.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said.
“We're on our way,” she said into the com.
He stood up and offered her his arm. Her face was flushed and he tucked back some stray hair behind her ear. She took his arm and wiped some lipstick off of his mouth.
“Thanks,” he said.
“Any time,” she said. “I expect that’s going to happen a lot now.”
“I look forward to it,” he said.
They left together.
by Jesterlady
Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Summary: The receipt of a certain 'dear John' letter bring other things to light
Disclaimer: I don't own ST Voyager. Some lines are from the show. The title is by David Crowder.
Like An Unforeseen Kiss
Chakotay made his way into the Captain’s ready room, making his report. Once he’d finished he motioned to her.
“You haven't mentioned your letter. Who was it from?”
He had his own theories and his own feelings on the subject. He was still reeling from his letter, but he had enough energy to spare to want to find out about hers. Perhaps it would distract him from the horror of what had happened to his friends.
Kathryn grimaced and her face took on a self-deprecating smile.
“It was from Mark. He told me about the litter of puppies my dog had, how he found homes for them, how devastated he was when Voyager was lost, how he held out hopes we were alive longer than most people did until he realized that he was clinging to a fantasy.” She got up and began walking over to the window. “So he began living his life again. Meeting people, letting go of the past.” She sat down and folded her legs. “About four months ago he married a woman who works with him. He's very happy.”
He could see the disappointment in her eyes, but she was being very stoic. His heart constricted for her, he knew what it was like to be told he wasn’t enough for someone, to be left behind. It couldn’t stop the feeling of guilt from disappearing from his gut though.
“How do you feel about that?” he asked, sitting next to her.
“Well, I knew he'd eventually move on with his life, but there was such a finality to that letter,” she said, her tone pondering. “We forget that there’s a whole other life going on in the Delta Quadrant, at least I do. Just a bit of a shock. Not that I blame him for doing it this way, how else was he going to do it, but it’s just not how I would have wanted it to end between us.”
“I’m sure he never meant to hurt you,” he said.
“No,” she agreed wryly. “The letter was pure Mark, everything coated with comfort, bits of truth scattered all over the place.”
Chakotay opened his mouth but they were interrupted by someone triggering red alert and they were called to the bridge.
It was a busy few hours after that dealing with the Hirogen, rescuing Tuvoc and Seven, and trying to save as much of the letters and message as they could.
Chakotay was exhausted by the time he got up from the bridge to follow Kathryn into her ready room again. She passed by Harry first, inquiring after his letter.
Harry was grinning from ear to ear, everything bright and happy.
“It was from my folks,” he said. “They’re doing well. They miss me. They only allowed one letter per person so my girlfriend Libby tagged a message on theirs. She’s good too.”
“Good for you, Ensign,” Kathryn said softly and then turned away.
Chakotay caught the look on her face and schooled his face into an impassive look of his own before following her, reporting.
“Repair teams have inspected the ship from stem to stern. Except for some maintenance that's needed on the warp coils, everything seems fine.”
“I suppose so,” she said. “Want some coffee?”
“Thanks,” he said.
A cup would do wonders about now.
“Cream and sugar, huh?” she asked.
“Two sugars,” he said.
“Oh, two sugars!” she said, flashing him a surprised look.
“You know, you drink too much of that stuff,” he said, following her and grabbing his own mug.
“Really?” she asked.
“If I'm not mistaken that's your third cup this morning,” he said.
“Fourth,” she corrected, “and on a day like today it won't be my last.” She sat down and took her first sip. “Coffee - the finest organic suspension ever devised. It's got me through the worst of the last three years. I beat the Borg with it.” She turned serious again and returned to the matter at hand. “Oh, I'm sure Voyager will be fine, but I'm worried that the crew might be a different story. I think they were hoping mail call would become a regular part of their day.”
“Neelix is putting together an impromptu party. He thought it might cheer them up.”
“Good idea. When will it be?”
“As soon as he can get people together,” he replied.
“Leave it to Neelix to come up with the right idea at the right time,” she said, taking another drink.
He studied her for a second before speaking again.
“How are you doing?”
“Me? I'm fine,” she said, a little too lightly.
“You'd say that if you'd just had your legs torn off by a Trakan Beast,” he retorted. “Look what you've been through in the last few days. We finally make a connection with home and then it's ripped away from us. We manage to make another enemy who's going to try and hunt us down and destroy us, and on top of that…”
He stopped, not sure if he should keep going or not. They were close, but the topics of conversation allowed between them seemed to vary.
“It's all right. You can say it,” she said, putting her mug down. “On top of all that, I got a dear John letter.” She laughed slightly and looked at him. “It wasn't really a surprise. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me considering the circumstances.” She looked down for a second. “It made me realize that I was using him as a safety net, you know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else.”
He almost choked on his own coffee. That was not what he had been expecting her to say.
“You don't have that safety net anymore,” he said carefully.
“That’s right,” she said, meeting his eyes. The determination in them made him start. “I don’t.”
“I don’t suppose you had a particular someone in mind?” he asked casually.
She twisted her lips.
“You know I do.”
“I don’t want to play games, Kathryn,” he said, putting down his mug. “There’s enough of that in our lives. You and I have had an understanding since New Earth that we weren’t going to talk about what happened there and that it wasn’t fair to each other to hang on to what could never be, both because of Mark and because of our positions on this ship.”
“I see,” she said. “Getting right down to it, are we?”
“You brought it up,” he said. “I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy the coded banter, but in this case, we have too much at stake to risk any misunderstanding.”
“Then let me be clear,” she said, smiling slightly. “A good deal of the reason why there could never be anything between us was our positions on this ship. But I’ve realized in the last few hours that it was more about Mark than I thought.”
“In what way?” he asked.
“I felt guilty for wanting another man,” she said. “It wasn’t his fault I’d been flung into the farthest reaches of the universe with you. New Earth…it changed things definitely, but the fact remained I was still doing my best to get back to someone else.”
“I knew that,” he said. “I felt guilty for that myself. You belonged to someone else.”
“I guess he just didn’t know he belonged to me,” she said. “Again, not that he had any reason to know it.”
“Then we still have two problems,” he said.
“What are they?”
“You’re still the Captain and I’m still your first officer. And…if Mark was holding you back, then I don’t want to be your rebound.”
“One thing at a time,” she said. “You’ve been more to me than…well, let’s just say I’m pretty sure my rebound period is over.”
“Then what about the crew?” he asked.
“You tell me, you’re my connection to them,” she said.
Chakotay winced and shrugged.
“Well, it was reported to me only the other day that Ensign Harper had referred to us as Mommy and Daddy. Scuttlebutt around the mess hall is that there is a betting pool about when we’re going to finally…get together,” he finished delicately.
She laughed and he glared at her.
“I’m sorry, but your face,” she said. “Sounds to me like the crew is all for it.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Are you all for it? Do you think you could keep enough of a distance that would let you do your job? Aren’t you worried about the chain of command?”
“I do,” she said. “I worry about it every day. But even though we've made contact with home, Chakotay, they’re still on the other side of the galaxy. We could be dead before Voyager reaches home. I have to consider the possibility that I might never get to do any of the things I always thought I’d have a chance to do, simply because of our situation.”
“That doesn’t sound like you. You wouldn’t ever give up.”
“I’m not,” she said, putting her hand over his. “I will never give up. This ship is getting home. But I’m starting to realize that a stressed Captain is no good for this ship.”
“And I help you to un-stress?” he asked.
“You’re my lifeline,” she said honestly. “I can’t thank you enough for that.”
“Keeping you happy is my main job,” he said, starting to wonder if now was an appropriate time to kiss her senseless.
“You seem to be hesitant,” she said. “I don’t want to presume that what you said before on New Earth is still true. A lot has changed since then. If you don’t feel the same way-”
“I do,” he said, interrupting her.
“Then what do you say?” she asked. “Feel like taking the leap?”
“I never thought it would happen this way,” he said, entwining his fingers in hers. “I would have thought you would stubbornly cling to your position and I would be the one persuading you.”
“I’m not always right,” she said in the tone of a conspirator. “Don’t tell anyone. I know that our lives are rather eventful and there’s not much room to pursue a relationship. But I never realized how alone I was until I got that letter.”
“You're hardly alone,” he said, leaning forward, his mouth hovering next to hers, “and to my way of thinking, there's still plenty of time.”
“Plenty of time,” she agreed, before closing the distance.
They’d kissed before, but it had been under very different circumstances. Her lips were rough, she’d probably been chewing on them during the battle with the Hirogen, but they still felt warm under his. She brought her hand up to his face and her fingers grazed the tattoo over his temple. He was a little bit inclined to think he was dreaming the whole situation, but her body next to his felt very real and he was quite happy to keep dreaming.
His hands went to her waist, pulling her closer. Her breath against his started to sound ragged and he was enjoying the way his stomach was sending jolts through his whole system and how her hands felt against his skin.
“Neelix to the ready room. The party's about to begin and there are only two people missing.”
Neelix’s voice jolted Chakotay out of his happy daze and he pulled back sharply. Kathryn looked just as confused and then started to laugh, he joined her.
“The kids are calling,” he said, trying to control his breathing.
“I guess they do have to come first,” she said. “But you and I are not done.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said.
“We're on our way,” she said into the com.
He stood up and offered her his arm. Her face was flushed and he tucked back some stray hair behind her ear. She took his arm and wiped some lipstick off of his mouth.
“Thanks,” he said.
“Any time,” she said. “I expect that’s going to happen a lot now.”
“I look forward to it,” he said.
They left together.
