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jesterladyficTitle: Choosing Our Jagged Truths
By Jesterlady
Rating: PG
Summary: Chakotay has some issues with the way the Captain keeps things from him
Disclaimer: I don't own ST: Voyager. The title is by Margaret Atwood
Choosing Our Jagged Truths
After everything was over and the relief was dying down Chakotay made his way to the Captain’s ready room. As he walked he spoke the words of his tribe, spoke to his spirit guide, in an attempt to keep himself calm, yet his heart was burning with emotions he didn’t dare name.
“Enter,” she called and he walked into the room and stood at attention.
“Commander, what can I do for you?” she asked, laying aside her PADD and looking at him expectantly.
“Let me preface what I have to say with this,” he said. “I have to commend you on your ingenious deception, Captain, with Mr. Tuvoc and Mr. Paris. Such machinations were almost worthy of a Maquis operation.”
She sat back in her chair.
“Thank you, Commander. I assume there’s something else to this.”
“Yes, Captain. I can understand the great need for secrecy and I applaud your discretion, however, the event has forced me to need to reevaluate my own usefulness on this ship. I have to conclude that I should ask you if you would like me to resign as your first officer.”
He stood ramrod straight, keeping his face as implacable as he could. He was not here for a confrontation; he was here for an answer to a question he honestly felt should be answered.
She sighed and got up from her chair, circling her desk to lean against it with her arms crossed.
“I am sorry if you felt offended, Commander. That was not our intention.”
“I realize that,” he said, “but the question still stands.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” she said. “I understand your position, but-”
“Permission to speak freely,” he asked, interrupting her.
“Granted,” she said, waving her hand, more of an edge to her voice.
“I think you once understood my position, but for some reason you no longer do,” he said quietly, still trying to keep any emotion from his voice. “If I recall correctly, some months ago you put me on report for undermining your authority of this ship. I fully agreed with your decision at the time, but for some reason that I can’t fathom, you have just done the same to me.”
“This is hardly the same situation,” she said, her eyes flashing fire. “I don’t see anything undermined here but your pride.”
“I respectfully disagree,” he said. “For the last few months I have had Lieutenant Paris blatantly disrespecting my authority, being directly insubordinate, and no matter the intention, others started following his example. Despite the confession he’s made, an example has been set that the crew will not soon forget.”
“There’s no reason the crew can’t believe you were in the know the whole time,” she said.
“Believe me,” he said tightly, “after Neelix’s program this morning they know the truth. But this runs deeper than that. It’s not the crew themselves I am most worried about, it’s the senior officers. Technically, I am in command of all of them, including Mr. Tuvoc, and I have to maintain their respect, just as you do mine. Their example for being in authority over all those under them is the one that you and I set for them. Right now, they have been shown that the end justifies the means and that if they want to take it into their head to pull a brilliant operation, using their superior officers, that’s an okay thing to do. Another probably result of your deception is that they might come to see me as superfluous, coming directly to you, breaking the chain of command.”
She pursed her lips and sighed.
“I get your point, Commander, but I still don’t see why you think that means I should ask for your resignation.”
“Above all else, it is your opinion of the capability of the crew of this ship that matters. Clearly, you do not think I am capable of doing my job. It is that or you don't trust me, perhaps considering me to have been a candidate for the spy.”
“That is absolutely not it," she said with enough fervor that he believed it, and it settled a cold feeling in his gut. "I told you why we did not confide in you. Mr. Tuvoc was basing his counsel on your feelings.”
“That’s very considerate of him,” he said, somewhat bitterly to his dismay. “It’s a shame he hadn’t infiltrated the Maquis before our own brilliant infiltration into the Cardassian stronghold of Rucort 10, perhaps he would have had a better appreciation for my acting abilities.”
“You’re allowing personal feelings to shade your perspective,” she said.
“Perhaps,” he acknowledged, “but so are you. You relied on Mr. Tuvoc’s counsel in this matter, and he is a brilliant strategist and tactician, but Vulcans are not always right. You know that as well as anyone, but you rely on him because of that and because you know him and trust him. I don't want to intrude on your relationship, but I have to say as long as I am your first officer, I need to be kept informed about these things. It’s my job and I can’t do my job if you spend all your time keeping things from me. If you would rather speak to Mr. Tuvoc, then make him first officer.”
She glared at him, yet kept her composure, one of the things he admired most about her. When she spoke her voice was pure ice.
“I admit, perhaps I have relied heavily on his counsel in this matter, but you cannot deny that you don’t have the best track record when it comes to spies aboard this ship. I was trying to save you from having to deal with it.”
He looked away and smiled ironically, his feelings of unworthiness threatening to overwhelm him, rising past the bitter hole in his gut that Seska had ripped in his fragile hold on his own self worth.
“That makes two of us then,” he said, “who don’t believe I am right for this job. You no longer need me to keep dissension in the Maquis down. You’ve earned their trust for the most part.”
“Is that what you think?” she asked.
“That’s what it seems like from my limited perspective,” he said.
She looked at him, really looked at him, and, for a second, he felt her practically gaze inside him, at his shame for having been so wrong about Seska and Tuvoc, at his constant conflicting emotions regarding Federation ideals, at his own hurt that she didn’t trust him, at his fear of the unknown, at his boiling rage and anger at his situation.
She sat down on her window seat and put her chin in her heads.
“I ask your permission to speak freely,” she said, sounding just as lost as he felt.
He felt surprised, but nodded, sitting next to her.
“Of course.”
“You’re right. I’ve known Tuvoc a long time and sometimes I desperately cling to his words, not trusting my own. But it’s less about you than you might think. I made you my first officer because I believed it would unite the two factions and because I believed you had what it took to do the job. Sometimes you have failed me completely, but more often you have risen higher than I could have ever hoped, yet I’ve still held myself back from fully trusting you. I had to, don’t you see? I wanted to get home, but I don’t know what home will be like when we get there. I can only foresee my having to hand you over to Federation custody, speaking for you as I can, but still handing you over. Or maybe the Maquis have completely taken over the Federation and you’ll be handing me over. I don’t know what the future holds, but I had to plan for it. I couldn’t get too close. After all, I’ve only known you for a little over a year. Tuvoc has been my trusted advisor for years.”
He realized that she was giving him an insight into the many pressures and concerns she bore on her shoulders for all of them. It honored him and he spoke his next words carefully.
“I can understand your difficulty,” he said. “I guess I just expected more of you than perhaps was right.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You reprimanded me for taking the ship’s safety onto myself, for trying to protect the crew. I didn’t quite understand it before, but after I did. I realized I had failed to do my job, but I knew you were doing yours and I remember thinking that I was grateful to have you as a safety net, because you wouldn’t fail. You clung so firmly to your Federation ideals that you were like my spirit guide into the ways of being a Starfleet Officer. But…you are also human.”
“I’m human all right,” she said wryly. “Chakotay, I’m sorry. I should have told you.”
“Thank you,” he said.
He said it because he thought he was right and because he thought she was wrong and because he thought he was being too emotional and he thought she was doing her best.
“Well, please let me assure you that I want you as my first officer,” she said. “Your coming to me, more than ever, assures me that you’re right for the job. I will attempt to stop measuring us both by our past and treat you as you should be treated.”
“As will I,” he said, his relief almost bursting out of him.
He still didn’t know if he was ever going to feel wholly competent, wholly suited to his job. After all, there was a lot going against him, but he believed in her and in her judgment for the most part. If she was telling him she thought he could do the job, then he would do it or die trying.
“In keeping my distance I haven’t kept as good a bead on you as I should have,” she said. “How are you doing with all this? The ship, the crew, the journey, with Seska?”
He swallowed. He didn’t like talking about Seska.
“Better now that I have your approval,” he said. “I’m adaptable, Captain, I’ll manage. It…hurts to think of Seska, but I’m also afraid. I have a child out there somewhere waiting to be born; something that I didn’t plan for or approve of. What she did was a double violation of my trust and now…well, I have to think of that child whenever I think of her.”
“I can’t imagine what that must be like,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry. I promise that I will do everything that I can to make sure the baby is kept safe, no matter what happens to Seska or what decisions she makes.”
“I appreciate that,” he said softly. “It’s not the baby’s fault how it will come into existence.”
“Agreed,” she said and leaned back. “It’s been a hell of a journey, hasn’t it?”
“You can say that again,” he replied.
“Well,” she said, “please know my door is open to you anytime you need to discuss your job description.”
He hesitated before speaking.
“The same applies to me,” he said carefully. “I know on personal matters you have your own counselor and methods of coping, but I am open to speaking with you should you have need.”
“Thank you,” she said. “Would you like me to speak to Tom?” she asked, changing the subject, for which he was grateful.
“I can take care of Tom,” he said, smiling, showing her all of his teeth.
She laughed and he kept smiling. This was ending far better than he’d imagined. He couldn’t have predicted her reaction, when he'd stood raging in front of her door, moments earlier.
“Would you like me to speak to Mr. Tuvoc then?” she asked.
“I think you should have your own conversation with him,” he said. “But I think I should speak to him myself to have us come to a better understanding of our working relationship. I trust I have your backing.”
“Absolutely,” she said. “You know," she continued thoughtfully, "B'Elanna convinced me to go after you when you jumped ship by asking me to consider what losing the first officer would do to the morale of this ship and she was right. But it’s less about the first officer position than I thought; it’s about the one who fills it.”
“Thank you, Captain,” he said.
“If we’re going to be on better footing now,” she said, “please call me Kathryn when we’re alone.”
“I can do that…Kathryn.”
He stood up and walked to the door.
“Thank you, Commander,” she said.
“You’re welcome, Captain.”
By Jesterlady
Rating: PG
Summary: Chakotay has some issues with the way the Captain keeps things from him
Disclaimer: I don't own ST: Voyager. The title is by Margaret Atwood
Choosing Our Jagged Truths
After everything was over and the relief was dying down Chakotay made his way to the Captain’s ready room. As he walked he spoke the words of his tribe, spoke to his spirit guide, in an attempt to keep himself calm, yet his heart was burning with emotions he didn’t dare name.
“Enter,” she called and he walked into the room and stood at attention.
“Commander, what can I do for you?” she asked, laying aside her PADD and looking at him expectantly.
“Let me preface what I have to say with this,” he said. “I have to commend you on your ingenious deception, Captain, with Mr. Tuvoc and Mr. Paris. Such machinations were almost worthy of a Maquis operation.”
She sat back in her chair.
“Thank you, Commander. I assume there’s something else to this.”
“Yes, Captain. I can understand the great need for secrecy and I applaud your discretion, however, the event has forced me to need to reevaluate my own usefulness on this ship. I have to conclude that I should ask you if you would like me to resign as your first officer.”
He stood ramrod straight, keeping his face as implacable as he could. He was not here for a confrontation; he was here for an answer to a question he honestly felt should be answered.
She sighed and got up from her chair, circling her desk to lean against it with her arms crossed.
“I am sorry if you felt offended, Commander. That was not our intention.”
“I realize that,” he said, “but the question still stands.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” she said. “I understand your position, but-”
“Permission to speak freely,” he asked, interrupting her.
“Granted,” she said, waving her hand, more of an edge to her voice.
“I think you once understood my position, but for some reason you no longer do,” he said quietly, still trying to keep any emotion from his voice. “If I recall correctly, some months ago you put me on report for undermining your authority of this ship. I fully agreed with your decision at the time, but for some reason that I can’t fathom, you have just done the same to me.”
“This is hardly the same situation,” she said, her eyes flashing fire. “I don’t see anything undermined here but your pride.”
“I respectfully disagree,” he said. “For the last few months I have had Lieutenant Paris blatantly disrespecting my authority, being directly insubordinate, and no matter the intention, others started following his example. Despite the confession he’s made, an example has been set that the crew will not soon forget.”
“There’s no reason the crew can’t believe you were in the know the whole time,” she said.
“Believe me,” he said tightly, “after Neelix’s program this morning they know the truth. But this runs deeper than that. It’s not the crew themselves I am most worried about, it’s the senior officers. Technically, I am in command of all of them, including Mr. Tuvoc, and I have to maintain their respect, just as you do mine. Their example for being in authority over all those under them is the one that you and I set for them. Right now, they have been shown that the end justifies the means and that if they want to take it into their head to pull a brilliant operation, using their superior officers, that’s an okay thing to do. Another probably result of your deception is that they might come to see me as superfluous, coming directly to you, breaking the chain of command.”
She pursed her lips and sighed.
“I get your point, Commander, but I still don’t see why you think that means I should ask for your resignation.”
“Above all else, it is your opinion of the capability of the crew of this ship that matters. Clearly, you do not think I am capable of doing my job. It is that or you don't trust me, perhaps considering me to have been a candidate for the spy.”
“That is absolutely not it," she said with enough fervor that he believed it, and it settled a cold feeling in his gut. "I told you why we did not confide in you. Mr. Tuvoc was basing his counsel on your feelings.”
“That’s very considerate of him,” he said, somewhat bitterly to his dismay. “It’s a shame he hadn’t infiltrated the Maquis before our own brilliant infiltration into the Cardassian stronghold of Rucort 10, perhaps he would have had a better appreciation for my acting abilities.”
“You’re allowing personal feelings to shade your perspective,” she said.
“Perhaps,” he acknowledged, “but so are you. You relied on Mr. Tuvoc’s counsel in this matter, and he is a brilliant strategist and tactician, but Vulcans are not always right. You know that as well as anyone, but you rely on him because of that and because you know him and trust him. I don't want to intrude on your relationship, but I have to say as long as I am your first officer, I need to be kept informed about these things. It’s my job and I can’t do my job if you spend all your time keeping things from me. If you would rather speak to Mr. Tuvoc, then make him first officer.”
She glared at him, yet kept her composure, one of the things he admired most about her. When she spoke her voice was pure ice.
“I admit, perhaps I have relied heavily on his counsel in this matter, but you cannot deny that you don’t have the best track record when it comes to spies aboard this ship. I was trying to save you from having to deal with it.”
He looked away and smiled ironically, his feelings of unworthiness threatening to overwhelm him, rising past the bitter hole in his gut that Seska had ripped in his fragile hold on his own self worth.
“That makes two of us then,” he said, “who don’t believe I am right for this job. You no longer need me to keep dissension in the Maquis down. You’ve earned their trust for the most part.”
“Is that what you think?” she asked.
“That’s what it seems like from my limited perspective,” he said.
She looked at him, really looked at him, and, for a second, he felt her practically gaze inside him, at his shame for having been so wrong about Seska and Tuvoc, at his constant conflicting emotions regarding Federation ideals, at his own hurt that she didn’t trust him, at his fear of the unknown, at his boiling rage and anger at his situation.
She sat down on her window seat and put her chin in her heads.
“I ask your permission to speak freely,” she said, sounding just as lost as he felt.
He felt surprised, but nodded, sitting next to her.
“Of course.”
“You’re right. I’ve known Tuvoc a long time and sometimes I desperately cling to his words, not trusting my own. But it’s less about you than you might think. I made you my first officer because I believed it would unite the two factions and because I believed you had what it took to do the job. Sometimes you have failed me completely, but more often you have risen higher than I could have ever hoped, yet I’ve still held myself back from fully trusting you. I had to, don’t you see? I wanted to get home, but I don’t know what home will be like when we get there. I can only foresee my having to hand you over to Federation custody, speaking for you as I can, but still handing you over. Or maybe the Maquis have completely taken over the Federation and you’ll be handing me over. I don’t know what the future holds, but I had to plan for it. I couldn’t get too close. After all, I’ve only known you for a little over a year. Tuvoc has been my trusted advisor for years.”
He realized that she was giving him an insight into the many pressures and concerns she bore on her shoulders for all of them. It honored him and he spoke his next words carefully.
“I can understand your difficulty,” he said. “I guess I just expected more of you than perhaps was right.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You reprimanded me for taking the ship’s safety onto myself, for trying to protect the crew. I didn’t quite understand it before, but after I did. I realized I had failed to do my job, but I knew you were doing yours and I remember thinking that I was grateful to have you as a safety net, because you wouldn’t fail. You clung so firmly to your Federation ideals that you were like my spirit guide into the ways of being a Starfleet Officer. But…you are also human.”
“I’m human all right,” she said wryly. “Chakotay, I’m sorry. I should have told you.”
“Thank you,” he said.
He said it because he thought he was right and because he thought she was wrong and because he thought he was being too emotional and he thought she was doing her best.
“Well, please let me assure you that I want you as my first officer,” she said. “Your coming to me, more than ever, assures me that you’re right for the job. I will attempt to stop measuring us both by our past and treat you as you should be treated.”
“As will I,” he said, his relief almost bursting out of him.
He still didn’t know if he was ever going to feel wholly competent, wholly suited to his job. After all, there was a lot going against him, but he believed in her and in her judgment for the most part. If she was telling him she thought he could do the job, then he would do it or die trying.
“In keeping my distance I haven’t kept as good a bead on you as I should have,” she said. “How are you doing with all this? The ship, the crew, the journey, with Seska?”
He swallowed. He didn’t like talking about Seska.
“Better now that I have your approval,” he said. “I’m adaptable, Captain, I’ll manage. It…hurts to think of Seska, but I’m also afraid. I have a child out there somewhere waiting to be born; something that I didn’t plan for or approve of. What she did was a double violation of my trust and now…well, I have to think of that child whenever I think of her.”
“I can’t imagine what that must be like,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry. I promise that I will do everything that I can to make sure the baby is kept safe, no matter what happens to Seska or what decisions she makes.”
“I appreciate that,” he said softly. “It’s not the baby’s fault how it will come into existence.”
“Agreed,” she said and leaned back. “It’s been a hell of a journey, hasn’t it?”
“You can say that again,” he replied.
“Well,” she said, “please know my door is open to you anytime you need to discuss your job description.”
He hesitated before speaking.
“The same applies to me,” he said carefully. “I know on personal matters you have your own counselor and methods of coping, but I am open to speaking with you should you have need.”
“Thank you,” she said. “Would you like me to speak to Tom?” she asked, changing the subject, for which he was grateful.
“I can take care of Tom,” he said, smiling, showing her all of his teeth.
She laughed and he kept smiling. This was ending far better than he’d imagined. He couldn’t have predicted her reaction, when he'd stood raging in front of her door, moments earlier.
“Would you like me to speak to Mr. Tuvoc then?” she asked.
“I think you should have your own conversation with him,” he said. “But I think I should speak to him myself to have us come to a better understanding of our working relationship. I trust I have your backing.”
“Absolutely,” she said. “You know," she continued thoughtfully, "B'Elanna convinced me to go after you when you jumped ship by asking me to consider what losing the first officer would do to the morale of this ship and she was right. But it’s less about the first officer position than I thought; it’s about the one who fills it.”
“Thank you, Captain,” he said.
“If we’re going to be on better footing now,” she said, “please call me Kathryn when we’re alone.”
“I can do that…Kathryn.”
He stood up and walked to the door.
“Thank you, Commander,” she said.
“You’re welcome, Captain.”
