Merlin Fic: And the World You Promised: Chapter Nine: Rid of the Monsters Inside Your Head

[jesterladyfic]

Chapter Nine: Rid of the Monsters Inside Your Head

Merlin had insisted on Gwaine taking his bed so that Gwaine could sleep easier, but still be close enough Gaius could treat him without having to go all the way to Gwaine’s room on the other side of the castle.

But that left Merlin lying on a pallet on the floor, listening to Gaius snore without the benefit of an, albeit thin, door between them.

Merlin had barely slept in days and he was worried about how he couldn’t seem to. He was at the point of wanting to use a sleeping spell on himself, but he knew how dangerous that was, especially since he’d be asleep if anything went wrong with it. But, at the same time, something deep inside him knew he could pull it off, knew that little things that would be dangerous for anyone else, would be child’s play for him now. The thought scared him, how powerful he’d become, and he wondered if Arthur was right to be so anxious about him. Perhaps Uther had been wrong fundamentally, but maybe, just maybe, somebody like Merlin could fall into darkness more easily than lesser sorcerers.

Instead of playing with more magic, Merlin closed his eyes and concentrated, looking deep within himself, willing away the world, willing away doubt, willing away fear. It was hard for him to let go, he had so many questions, so much uncertainty about his life, but he forced himself to. Gaius had taught him this trick long ago when Merlin would often lie awake at night, worrying about Arthur or Camelot or his magic. Merlin had seen too many dark things and sometimes this was the only way he could get any sleep at all. He had practiced endlessly, longing for the relief of getting away from the pressures of life.

It was harder this time, but eventually it worked because Merlin felt himself drifting off, floating into sweet oblivion, not worrying about tomorrow.

It was dark when he opened his eyes, the sense that he was needed somehow, forcing him from his slumber. But he didn’t feel groggy like he normally did, instead he was wide awake, refreshed as if he’d slept for a full night. Gaius still snored; the noise resounding through the small room, all else seemed quiet. Merlin wondered if there was something wrong with Arthur. Merlin had always seemed to have a sixth sense when something was bothering Arthur, even more so since Merlin had healed him. Arthur’s pain had been practically screaming at Merlin’s senses since then, but the reason why was not hard to figure out. It was Merlin himself that was the problem there.

No, this was something different, something subtler, closer. Looking around him, Merlin could hear a noise coming from his room. Hauling himself off of the floor, he walked toward the stairs, conjuring a flame in his hand with little more than a thought.

“Gwaine?” he asked, knocking quietly.

“Merlin,” came the answer.

Whether that meant he was supposed to come in or not, Merlin didn’t know, but he opened the door and walked in to find Gwaine in the process of trying to get himself out of the bed to pick up the water jug he’d knocked over.

“Do you ever hold still?” Merlin asked in exasperation, sending the flame in his hand to light the candles and bending over to pick up the jug himself.

When he straightened up he saw Gwaine looking at him with a huge grin on his face.

“Been waiting a long time for you to do that,” Gwaine said.

“What?”

“Use magic openly.”

Merlin looked away, slightly embarrassed.

“It’s nothing.”

“Don’t be so modest, my friend,” Gwaine said, lying back down.

“Did you lure me up here on purpose to perform magic tricks for you?” Merlin asked.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Gwaine said, and Merlin believed him. “I’m not suffering that much for company. But since you’re here…”

Merlin dragged his chest up next to the bed and observed the patient closely. Gwaine’s head was slightly beaded with sweat and his stomach muscles were clenched tightly, his smile too forced.

“You’re in pain,” Merlin stated.

“Well, look who’s a master physician,” Gwaine said, his tone easy despite his words. “Did you tell that with your magic?”

“With my very normal eyes,” Merlin said, smiling.

“Too bad,” Gwaine said. “It would have been grand.”

“Why is this so exciting for you?”

Merlin couldn’t understand it, especially when everyone else (meaning Arthur) was so horrified.

“Because we can finally talk about it,” Gwaine said. “And you’re powerful, Merlin. You could beat His Royal Highness by blinking your eyes.”

“So you’re attracted to power,” Merlin said, adjusting Gwaine’s pillow for him.

“Are my feelings that obvious?” Gwaine said, teasing.

Merlin blanched as he realized what he’d said.

“You know what I meant,” he said and quickly considered a sleeping spell on Gwaine instead of himself.

“Yes, but it’s much more fun this way,” Gwaine said, and then clenched his jaw again.

Merlin was concerned.

“I don’t care what Arthur will say,” Merlin said, holding his hands over Gwaine. “I’m going to heal you some more.”

“Ic pe purhhaele pin licsare. Ic pe purhhaele pin licsare,” he whispered, sending energy and strength.

It was still best if Gwaine’s body healed on its own, but it had gone through an immense trauma, and it could use some help along the way.

“I like it when you’re defiant,” Gwaine said, his color better already. “That’s perfect, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Merlin said simply, sitting back. “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“You want to know how I found out,” Gwaine said.

“Yes.”

“It wasn’t any one occasion,” Gwaine said, tucking his arms back under his head, looking much improved. “There’s always been something about you, but a lot of little things just added everything up for me. I overheard that weird midget at the bridge talking to you, calling you magic. And that was a very convenient fire at Jarl’s castle when Arthur and I were fighting. Other things like that. It started to be a little ridiculous how often we’d all wake up or come back and you’d just be sitting there with some story about how somebody else had done something that fixed it all. Wasn’t that hard to figure out really.”

“Other people found it hard enough,” Merlin mumbled.

“Other people see what they want to see,” Gwaine said knowingly. “They don’t want to mess with the way things are because then they’d have to deal with the revelation.”

“Why did you never say anything?” Merlin asked, not really wanting to talk about Arthur.

“Cause you never did,” Gwaine said. “You’re not my only friend anymore, but you are my first. You get special treatment.”

“You’ve always been there for me,” Merlin said, “if there wasn’t a tavern around, that is. Thank you.”

“Don’t go getting all girly on me,” Gwaine said.

“I won’t,” Merlin said, holding his hand up. “I promise.”

But he couldn’t help but think back to how Gwaine always wanted to help, seeing when Merlin needed it more than a lot of people. Gwaine hadn’t even questioned it when Merlin asked for his assistance traveling to the Perilous Lands. He’d practically forced his help on Merlin to rescue Gaius when Morgana had kidnapped him. And just a few days ago, Gwaine had gone with Merlin on a mysterious journey with no idea why, telling him he hoped Merlin found what he was looking for.

“You’re thinking too hard,” Gwaine told him. “What’s churning in that brain of yours?”

Merlin smiled faintly.

“I was looking for my magic,” he said, fiddling with the side of the bed. “When we went to the Valley. I had lost it when Morgana sent a creature to steal it from me. I knew Arthur was heading to Camlann, to his end, and I needed my magic back. So I went to the Valley of the Fallen Kings, to the Crystal Cave, hoping I could gain it back.”

“And you did,” Gwaine said.

“Did I ever,” Merlin said. “More magic than I know what to do with.”

“But that doesn’t seem to excite you as much as I think it would me,” Gwaine said.

“Magic isn’t a game,” Merlin said. “That much of Uther’s paranoia is true. A lot of harm can be done by magic if you’re not careful. I’ve caused enough myself to know.”

“But couldn’t we turn Leon into a frog the next time he signs me up for extra patrol duty? Just once.”

Merlin laughed.

“I refuse to be your personal revenge sorcerer.”

“You’re no fun,” Gwaine said.

“But you protected my secret anyway.”

“You save my life when it needs it. It’s a give and take situation. Thank you for the lake.”

“You’re welcome. Of course.”

Gwaine’s face darkened and he looked away.

“Don’t know as it was the right thing. I did put everyone in danger; almost got Arthur killed.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Merlin said, horrified. “That’s a terrible thing to say.”

“I know,” Gwaine said, “and I don’t mean it like that. I just did something stupid. Doesn’t seem worth you being exposed like that.”

Merlin furrowed his forehead trying to understand what Gwaine meant until it dawned on him.

“Gwaine, do you think Arthur found out because of you?”

“He…didn’t?”

Gwaine’s face was comical in its confusion.

“No, he found out because I told him. When I needed to heal him.”

“Oh.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Merlin said.

“Well, I couldn’t remember exactly what happened.”

“I told you Arthur already knew, there at the lake.”

“Right,” Gwaine said, squinting his eyes like he was seeing something far away.

“Even if you were the cause, you absolutely didn’t need to die for it. I’ve got plenty of magic. Magic coming out of my eyeballs as it so happens. Enough to save you. And just because you aren’t my only friend either, doesn’t mean that I can afford to lose any of them.”

“Slow down,” Gwaine said, holding his hands out in defense. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to put that on you. I’ve been feeling a bit guilty, I guess, since I folded under a little torture.”

“Let me tell you a little story,” Merlin said.

“Do you have to? I have the feeling it’s going to make me feel foolish.”

“Everything makes you foolish, Gwaine,” Merlin said, smirking at him.

“Point. Carry on.”

“Once there was a servant who served the biggest prat of a King there ever was and they were attacked by bandits. This servant and his King were making a strategic retreat when the servant was wounded and realized the King would never make it out unless he sacrificed himself. So, using his considerable magical talent, he caused a rockslide, separating him and the bandits from the King.”

“Do you have to tell it like that?”

“Quiet, am I telling the story or not?”

“Carry on again,” Gwaine said, sounding like he was trying not to laugh.

Merlin felt like laughing slightly himself.

“Now the next time the servant opened his eyes he found himself in a hovel, tied up, face to face with an evil sorceress who was currently trying to kill the King. She presented him with a snake with many heads. This snake was called the Fomorroh and it was very evil. He felt the worst pain he’d ever felt when she cut off a snake head and inserted it into his skin with the intention to control him through the snake. He was no longer himself, but wholly controlled by it, with one mission, to kill the King.”

“Really? I would’ve thought you’d have succeeded.”

Merlin shot him a look.

“Luckily, the sorceress did not know this servant was so magical or he might have succeeded in his mission. As it is, he tried crossbows, swords, poisoned food, lethal bathwater, everything he could think of. Fortunately for him, the court physician and a brave handmaiden figured out that he was acting oddly and rendered him unconscious. They discovered what was happening to him and a way to temporarily suspend the will of the Fomorroh until he could find a way to destroy the head of the snake, which was the only way to kill it. So he had to go back to the hovel and find the snake. He needed to disguise himself though, so he drank an aging potion and became a form he’d sometimes used before. On his way to the hovel he encountered some knights who tried to arrest him. This he could not have so he knocked them all unconscious.”

“You!” Gwaine said, pointing at him, seemingly speechless for once. “You.”

Merlin smiled, enjoying this more than he probably should have.

“After that he had a duel with the sorceress and won, though that was not the end of her, and destroyed the snakes, freeing himself from the evil influence that would have made him do what he would otherwise never have done. The end.”

“You’re a cruel man, Merlin,” Gwaine said, “making me listen to all that. And so you’re the old man we met in the woods. The sorcerer who killed the King? Who apparently did some weird love spell on Arthur and Gwen?”

“All very separate occasions with their own stories,” Merlin said. “But I think you’re forgetting the moral of the story.”

“Which is?”

“You’re not the only one to have done something foolish while under the control of magic. Even someone as powerful as me is subject to it.”

“My foolish thing was riding out there in the first place,” Gwaine mumbled.

“Okay, fine,” Merlin said. “But it doesn’t negate the knightly heroics and years of semi-faithful service you’ve served.”

“I told you once titles meant nothing, that it was what you did that mattered. I may have been born a noble, Merlin, but my acts of the last few days haven’t been very noble. I don’t know that I belong here anymore.”

“Not you too,” Merlin said. “Does everyone have to have an identity crisis at once? It’s really hard to deal with when I’m having one of my own.”

“You, an identity crisis?” Gwaine scoffed. “Merlin, you’re the only one who ever has anything put together around here.”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m pretty much in limbo right now. Big magic, don’t even know if I still have a job, technically should be condemned to death for existing…”

“So you’re saying your problems are worse than mine,” Gwaine said, rising to the bait Merlin was setting for him.

“A smidge, maybe,” Merlin said, trying not to smile.

Everything he was saying was true, of course, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t use it to help a friend.

“You-" Gwaine said and then stopped, “-are much too clever for your own good. Fine, I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself.”

“I mean it,” Merlin said. “You belong here. Arthur’s ten times the man Uther was or you wouldn’t even be here right now. In more ways than one. He’ll see beyond your actions to your heart.”

Gwaine smiled slyly.

“This is me taking that beautiful speech and turning it back around on you.”

Merlin sighed.

“Right. Okay, I’ll take my own advice.”

“Aren’t you glad you healed me?” Gwaine asked cheekily.

“Yes,” Merlin said begrudgingly. “Now, you need to sleep. I didn’t heal you back to perfection, just to not on death’s door.”

“Like you did Arthur, it’s clear the sorcerer was playing favorites,” Gwaine said.

“Believe me, that was a whole other thing,” Merlin said. “Now go to sleep.”

“When this is all over, I’m going to quiz you for days,” Gwaine warned him.

“Get in line,” Merlin said.

He stood up and took his flame with him.

“That is amazing,” Gwaine whispered. “Night, Merlin.”

“Good night, Gwaine,” he said.

Merlin went back to bed, feeling a lot better than he had when he first went to sleep. It seemed people were mostly okay with him having magic. Perhaps he and Gwaine were having a rather similar problem of guilt. Merlin knew there were a lot of things he needed to atone for, worse than Gwaine’s singular act of rebellion.

And tomorrow, if Arthur was ready, Merlin would confess them all. All the worse things, the things that Merlin still had nightmares about. If Arthur still had qualms after that, so be it. Merlin would protect him from afar. But he couldn’t let Arthur go any further without knowing the deeper truths. His magic felt more settled with that thought and before he knew it Merlin had drifted to sleep without having to resort to magic or tricks.

***

Gaius woke Merlin up the next morning with a list of chores to do just in case Arthur didn’t need him and a cold breakfast that was still made up out of Merlin’s favorite foods and tasted beyond wonderful.

“You missed your calling,” Merlin said. “You should have been a cook.”

“And you should have been a court jester, these things happen,” Gaius said dryly.

“So, I’m off to face my fate,” Merlin said. “If I’m not back soon, I leave you all my neckerchiefs.”

“You’re awfully chipper this morning,” Gaius said, sounding surprised. “I would have thought otherwise.”

Merlin paused, trying to think why he was in such a good mood.

“I think this is really the beginning, Gaius, there was an end, like the prophecy said, and now we’re beginning the part I’ve wanted to see since I came to Camelot.”

“I hope you’re right, Merlin,” Gaius said, smiling.

Merlin smiled back and made his way through the familiar halls to Arthur’s door.

He knocked tentatively and waited.

There was a muffled curse from the other side and then Gwen’s placating voice and Merlin knew it was all right.

He opened the door but came in with his hand over his eyes, a method he’d had to perfect over the last four years.

“Everyone decent?” he asked.

“Merlin, you’re a pox on humanity,” Arthur said grumpily.

“Does that mean yes?” Merlin asked.

“Come on in, Merlin,” Gwen’s voice said, sounding as amused as it normally did on these morning wake up calls.

Merlin took his hand away and inwardly groaned at the wet towels and clothes flung all over the floor and the full bathtub. Gwen was lying in the bed, the covers fully pulled up to her neck, Arthur was scrambling over her, a sheet wrapped around his lower body, hair flying every which way, cursing as he tripped over one of the towels.

“I certainly hope you both enjoyed yourselves last night,” Merlin said, grumbling, starting to pick everything up.

“Aren’t you forgetting something, Merlin?” Arthur asked pointedly.

Merlin’s heart sank. Apparently he couldn’t just act like nothing had happened until Arthur was ready to talk to him again.

“Uh, no?”

Arthur looked like he was trying not to laugh.

“Well, apart from the fact that your double life as a sorcerer has not yet been resolved, I don’t see a breakfast tray in those clumsy hands of yours.”

Merlin grinned.

“Coming right up, Sire.”

Merlin bustled out to the kitchen, grabbing all the best food he could find, using the excuse he normally did, of needing it for the King.

When he got back Gwen was in the inner rooms behind the screen, being attended to by her maid, Sarah, and Arthur was fully dressed, sorting through reports at the table.

“Ah, Merlin,” Arthur said, as if Merlin hadn’t seen him ten minutes earlier, completely disheveled, “late as usual. Sit down please.”

“Sit down?” Merlin asked as if that was a fully foreign concept.

“Yes, sit down,” Arthur said, sounding annoyed. “As in, bend your legs and plant your skinny bottom on one of those chairs. Or do you need me to explain the concept of a chair?”

“I meant what for?”

“Shouldn’t a King just be obeyed without all this inane questioning of his orders?” Arthur asked the air.

“Somehow considering you I don’t think that would be wise,” Merlin said, sitting down.

“Now, Merlin,” Arthur said, ignoring him, picking up some of his papers, and putting them in front of Merlin, “I want you to give me your advice for the positioning of the knights based on how you think Morgana is likely to attack magically.”

Merlin gaped.

“What?”

“Is your brain injured even more than normal?” Arthur inquired.

“Aren’t we even going to talk about my magic? About my having lied? About the fact I’m not even allowed to exist in Camelot? Don’t you have anything to say about what we talked about yesterday?”

Arthur sighed and laid the papers aside.

“Yes, you’re probably right, let’s get that out of the way. Suffice it to say I’ve decided to overlook your idiocy in not telling me the truth and use your talents in defeating Morgana. After that’s over with, we can discuss your position here and the position of magic in Camelot. Good enough? All right, let’s move on.”

“Arthur, I have to tell you some things,” Merlin said. “Things you need to know before you make those kinds of decisions.”

Arthur looked pained, like he didn’t want to know any more secrets.

“Is that absolutely necessary?” he gritted out through his teeth.

Merlin thought about that for a few seconds, but decided yes, yes it was.

“I wouldn’t want you to find out these things from anyone else.”

Arthur looked at Merlin, studying his face, and then nodded.

“Guinevere,” he called.

“Yes, Arthur?”

“Merlin and I will be at the Round Table. You may join us there when you’re finished if you wish. Breakfast is finally here.”

“Of course,” she said, sounding utterly unconcerned.

Merlin wished he had her confidence.

Arthur led the way and they walked in silence. Merlin was going over everything he wanted to say in his mind, not wanting to leave anything out, but say it in the best way possible. He’d been full of hope this morning, but now that it came down to it, he was pretty sure this ranked up there as one of the worst things he’d ever have to do.

Arthur dismissed the guards to the outside of the room and gestured for Merlin to have a seat. He did, trying his best not to fidget.

“I think it might be best if I went chronologically,” he said. “Hold all questions till the end, please,” he added, trying to lighten the mood.

“Probably not going to happen,” Arthur said, but there was a slight smile at the corner of his mouth.

“You already know about how I came to find out about our destiny. Well, the dragon told me other things too. The first really major thing was that Mordred was destined to kill you.” Merlin hurried on, ignoring Arthur’s squawk of protest. “When you rescued him, the dragon told me not to help you, saying I should let him die. But I…couldn’t do it. He was just a small child and I didn’t understand destiny that well yet. So, I let him go.”

“That I would not condemn you for,” Arthur said. “I would never allow such a thing.”

“I know,” Merlin said, smiling sadly. “That is your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.”

“We’re on your confessions here,” Arthur pointed out.

“The other thing Kilgharrah told me was that Morgana was destined to form an alliance of evil with Mordred. He only ever called her…the witch.” Merlin blanched at the utter look of pain on Arthur’s face. “I didn’t want to believe him; Morgana was so good and kind. But she started to change. I watched her, Arthur, and she became so angry with Uther, especially as her own magic started to grow. And I didn’t tell her about me, maybe if I had…she would have had an ally, someone to confide in, but I couldn’t. She grew so bitter, even conspiring to kill Uther right when Gwen’s father died. But she changed her mind at the last second, so I kept watching.”

“Even back then?” Arthur asked. “Even then she was…”

He trailed off, his voice broken, it seemed. Merlin hated going through this, but he had to keep going. The worst was yet to come, after all.

“She wasn’t kidnapped by the Druids that one time; she went to them to learn about her magic. I-I told her to go, not realizing what Uther would do. Mordred was there too. We did not part well.”

“You knew she had magic,” Arthur said. “You didn’t tell me.”

“No,” Merlin said, resolutely not looking at him. “That was not my secret to tell and I feared what Uther would do. Gaius had always known of her seer gift and had been keeping it from her all her life for her own good. After I found out, well, I went along with it; I was trying to protect her, I just, I was- I didn’t know what to do. I thought that if it were me I’d want to know about my magic, but Gaius was so sure…still that’s why I sent her to the Druids. Anyway…Morgana just became so angry and somehow, I don’t know how, she got in touch with Morgause and started to scheme against Uther. That day…the day Camelot was asleep, Morgause cast the spell. We kept wondering why Morgana was the only one awake-" Merlin didn’t want to go any further, this was one of his deepest secrets, the thing he was most regretful about. “Morgana was the source of the spell.”

“What does that mean?” Arthur asked, his face anxious.

“You can’t do a spell that powerful without a focus; you need some…energy to keep it going.”

“Could you do it?”

“Back then, no. Now…probably.”

Arthur nodded, absorbing the information.

“Continue.”

“I had to break the spell or you would die, Uther would die, Gwen, Gaius, all of Camelot. But the only way to break it-"

“Tell me you’re not the cause of her being lost,” Arthur said, fingers clenching into fists.

Merlin didn’t bother trying to stop the tears falling down his face. He had no excuse, not really.

“I-I poisoned her,” he said quietly, watching Arthur closely. “I gave her water laced with hemlock. She-she choked and she- I held her.”

Arthur shook his head and stood up.

“No, no, Merlin.”

“Morgause came in,” Merlin continued, making his voice stronger, “she truly cared for Morgana, she wanted to cure her. But I made her- I made her call off the Knights first, break the spell. Then I gave her the poison so she could cure Morgana. That’s when you came in and Morgause took her away.”

Arthur was quiet for agonizing minutes, and then his fist pounded into the table several times, leaving bloody strips along his knuckles. He glared at Merlin, true anger on his face.

“I should take your head from your shoulders for what you did to my sister,” he said, his voice so strangled in its attempt at calm that Merlin could barely understand him.

“I know,” Merlin said, not saying anything more.

Arthur paced around the table three times before he came back to Merlin. It was a rather large table and Merlin waited, his stomach clenched into knots, wanting nothing more than to vanish into thin air. He’d dreaded this moment for years.

“I assume there’s more,” Arthur said, finally stopping, his voice still dangerously angry.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said, looking directly at him. “I regret that day more than you can know. But I have no other excuse to give.”

“Don’t,” Arthur said, holding up his hand. “Perhaps, perhaps I know why you did it, but, Merlin- Merlin, she was my sister. I never knew why she would hate me so much, but you, you drove her to that. I lost her because of you.”

Arthur’s voice was ragged with anger and pain and Merlin’s heart clenched with his guilt, all the anguish of the years pouring through him, forcing through his mouth in the form of words, some sort of apology to give, some sort of justification to make, wanting somehow to make Arthur understand even if Merlin knew he never could.

“I know,” Merlin said, standing up as well, unable to take it anymore. “Arthur, I know that. Every life that she’s ever taken is on my conscience. All the blood she’s spilled, on my hands. I would erase that if I could. But I have to- I can’t let that stop me from doing what is right. Even if I wish I could have done differently then. She made her choice long before I ever gave her that water skin. The two of us, her and I, together damned her long ago.”

He turned, not wanting to see Arthur’s face, and gripped the back of his chair, relishing the pain as it pressed against his fingers. This was far harder than he’d ever imagined it would be.

He flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulders, Arthur’s, hard yet not punishing.

“Finish your story, Merlin,” Arthur said more gently than Merlin had any right to.

Merlin nodded, swallowing hard, trying to find where to start.

“The dragon helped me, but not for free. He was angry, angry at Uther for killing his kin, angry at the Great Purge. He wanted me to sacrifice my mother, wanted terrible things to bring about the destiny you and I are fated to share. Our relationship grew cold, bargains and deals made between us. His information for my promise to free him.”

“You freed him, didn’t you? And he attacked.”

Merlin nodded, wiping at his eyes.

“All those people are dead because of me. My magic didn’t work on him, I couldn’t stop him. He was determined to make Uther pay. I kept my word at the expense of other people’s lives.”

Arthur closed his eyes, pinching his forehead.

“We went to find the Dragonlord, you and me, to stop him.”

“He was my father,” Merlin said softly.

Arthur opened his eyes again.

“Your father?”

“I didn’t know until we were to go,” Merlin said dully, feeling more emotionally spent than he cared to be ever again. “Gaius told me. I was so excited to meet him. All my life I’d felt a giant hole inside me, a lack of guidance. I’ve had slurs cast at me for being fatherless. And I thought he’d be wonderful, like Gaius. But he was bitter and spent, still…he saved your life and then he came anyway, coming to Camelot even though it would mean his death. He called me son.”

Merlin broke off again, walking away, trying to gain clarity in his mind to tell the story. He leaned his back against the wall.

“And I told you not to cry for him,” Arthur said quietly, his gaze piercing.

Merlin nodded again.

“You didn’t know. He- he saved my life. And he told me I was now the last Dragonlord. So I had more power. More power I didn’t know what to do with. I didn’t know how to be one but I had to try.”

“We went out together to face the dragon,” Arthur said wonderingly. “You came out, without any armor or weapon. I thought you very brave indeed. I still do.”

At those words, Merlin’s air left him in a rush and he slid down the wall, staring up at his King.

“I found my dragon voice,” he said, feeling numb. “You were unconscious. I was very angry and I wanted to kill Kilgharrah. He asked me not to, as he was the last of his kind. So I told him to fly away and never come back.”

“And then you let me think I’d killed him.”

“I suppose telling everyone I was a Dragonlord and responsible for his attack in the first place would have been a better idea?”

Arthur sighed, shaking his head.

“No, I guess I can see why you would not want to do that.”

“Uh, that was everything about that, I think,” Merlin said. “Till Morgana came back.”

“That must have made you very nervous,” Arthur said, the accusation creeping back into his voice.

“Terrified,” Merlin said. “But she told me she understood why I did it. She said she’d seen the error of her ways. I was so…happy; I thought we had her back. But we didn’t. She was meeting with Morgause, she had enchanted Uther to lose his mind, and she was a spy within our midst. You thought I’d run off, but Morgana caught me following her and they almost killed me.”

“How did you escape?” Arthur asked, brow furrowed, like he was trying to remember what Merlin was talking about.

Merlin guessed Arthur didn’t replay things like that over and over in his head like Merlin had for years, preparing for this moment if he was honest with himself.

“I called the dragon,” Merlin said. “Ironic, I know. But they had bound my magic, even though they didn’t know I had it. I came back to Camelot for the siege and found Morgana raising an undead army. I tried to speak to her, but she wouldn’t listen. She had become so cold. My fault again, I know. So we fought.”

“With magic?”

“Swords.”

“Why aren’t you dead then?”

“Magic.”

“She didn’t see?”

“No, I’m rather good at convenient bouts of unconsciousness, I’m afraid.” Arthur narrowed his eyes so Merlin hurried on. “I stopped the skeletons and she got the credit.”

“You-you wanted to tell me something about her,” Arthur said, his eyes far away. “You had pulled me aside.”

“I wanted to tell you it was her. I didn’t think you’d listen, but I had to try.”

“But she had already taken the credit.”

“Who’d believe the word of a servant over the King’s ward?”

“So…why didn’t she expose you as having poisoned her?”

“I don’t know. I think she thought it would expose her too much, her connection with Morgause. But she certainly hated me. There was never anything kind between us, not even acting as she did with the rest of you, ever again.”

“Understandable.”

“There’s more,” Merlin said.

“I don’t know if I can take more,” Arthur said and Merlin appreciated his honesty.

“I know, I just have to tell you or everything, everything we’ve ever worked for, my whole life, it means nothing.” Arthur silently gave a gesture to go ahead. “I saw a vision of Morgana killing Uther in the crystal of Neotid. I wanted to stop it so when I saw her sneaking out at night I tried to- it went wrong and she fell.” Merlin stopped as he saw realization dawn in Arthur, but the other man didn’t say anything. “I didn’t mean to, Arthur, I swear. And I didn’t know how to help her. Her injuries were beyond my abilities to heal. I consoled myself thinking it was for the best, maybe this would save her from doing any more evil. But you were all so grieved, you and Gwen and even Uther. I had to save her.”

“Yes, you did,” Arthur said, eyes dark with anger.

“I asked Kilgharrah, but he wouldn’t help me. So I-I made him. Arthur, you might not understand, but that’s a terrible thing for a Dragonlord to do. To misuse the power he has, to take away the free will of another living thing. I did that to him and saved her. But she tried to kill Uther anyway. I stopped her only just in time. I made the vision come true by trying to stop it. After that she knew she was Uther’s daughter and she wanted the throne. And you were in the way.”

“What else did she do?” Arthur said, using the tone of a man who wanted to get the worst over with.

“She was the one who had Gwen and Elyan kidnapped in order to kill you at Fyrien. She gave you a bracelet that nearly sapped your life force on your quest to the Perilous Lands. She was the one who had Uther discover you and Gwen on your picnic that day and planted the poultice in your room. She gave the information to Morgause that allowed her to get the cup of life. But you know what happened after that.”

“Anything else?”

“We already talked about your father. So…Agravaine. I knew almost right away that he was not…loyal, but you wouldn’t listen to me and I had no proof. Not without giving away my own secret. Which was selfish of me. And cowardly. There’s a bit in there about Lancelot, but you should have Gwen talk to you about that part. I told her about it yesterday. And then…I, when Agravaine attacked Ealdor, I called the dragon. He killed all those men for me. In the Caves Agravaine found me, found out I was Emrys. I-I killed him.”

“You’ve been busy, certainly,” Arthur said, starting to laugh, but the kind of laughter that involved hysteria and hardship, not anything good. "Anything else?"

“I guess, there’s just…Mordred. Because of the prophecy I didn’t want him around. I saw another vision of him killing you right before we met him again. Then you made him a knight and it seemed like he had changed, and I didn't want to make the same mistake I made with Morgana, but I couldn't trust him."

"I always wondered at you not liking him," Arthur said musingly. "You get along with everyone."

"How could I like someone who was destined to kill you?" Merlin hurried on. "When we went to see the Disir and he was injured, I didn't heal him. I…I refused to. And I told you magic wasn't worth anything. I betrayed my very self. I’d had to do it before but…well, in the end your punishment for that was Mordred living. It was all for nothing."

"Merlin…"

"Mordred kept proving himself loyal. He knew I was Emrys all along, but he never said. He knew I was the Dolma. He asked for my trust and I couldn't give it. But I tried to see the good in him and there was good, until Cara. I-I told you he was going to help her escape because I wanted to keep him in Camelot. I wanted him to reconcile with you so that he wouldn't run straight to Morgana. But he did anyway. Even in that I failed."

Arthur looked at Merlin and opened his mouth and then closed it.

"Is that everything?"

Merlin laughed himself, bitterly and without hope.

"Arthur, it would take weeks to tell you everything, but those are the things, the things I hate about myself." Merlin tried to stop his voice from shaking, but it was no good. "I-I wish sometimes that it were different. I know you know what it's like to make decisions that affect other people's lives. I've watched you carry the weight of this kingdom, but…I just want you to know that I- Arthur, I carried it with you. It was my burden, my secret burden, and sometimes I thought it would destroy me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and I failed many times along the way. I will submit to whatever punishment you think I deserve."

Merlin buried his head in his knees because he couldn't stand to look at Arthur anymore. At the man he called his King and his closest friend and the person he valued most in the whole world. To do so would be to see the death of everything he'd ever held dear.

There was silence for a long time and then a shuffling noise as Arthur sat down next to Merlin.

"I didn't like hearing any of that." Merlin didn't say anything, didn't look up. Arthur was quiet for a moment and then spoke again. "I guess I never thought to find out what you were doing, what you were going through. You don't even go to the tavern, do you?"

Merlin gave a hiccoughing sob and shook his head, thinking how inappropriate laughing would be at this moment.

"No, the only times I've ever been in a tavern were with you."

“But you are unnaturally good at betting games when you’re in them,” Arthur said coaxingly.

Merlin nodded, but still didn’t trust himself enough to lift his head up.

“You cheated. Again.”

“Sometimes you need to be taken down a peg or two,” Merlin ventured to say. “I’ll pay you back.”

“I doubt you could do that if you mucked out the stables for free for five years,” Arthur said sharply, yet with the tiniest bit of humor.

“Um…sorry?”

"Let me tell you some things I remember," Arthur said after a moment. "I remember an idiot boy calling out a great King in front of an assembly and drinking poison meant for his prince."

"The poison was actually meant for me," Merlin mumbled, but he couldn't seem to stop telling the truth now that he'd started.

"Did you know that at the time?" Arthur asked.

"No."

"Then shut up. I remember a servant bursting into the throne room, proclaiming he'd done sorcery to save the life of a servant girl."

"I really had done the sorcery."

"You're not making this easy, Merlin. Shut up or I'll put you in the stocks."

"Sorry," Merlin said, gaining enough courage to peek his head up, but still not looking at Arthur.

"I remember a son forsaking everything he had built for himself to singlehandedly take on bandits who had struck his mother."

"Didn't do it singlehandedly."

Merlin got a cuff on the arm for that remark.

"I remember a certain someone again demanding to drink poison to fix another man's mistake."

"Can't argue with that one."

Arthur glared at him.

"I remember a friend denying his very nature to keep someone else from killing his own father."

Merlin looked at him askance.

"You…know?"

"I'm not a simpleton, Merlin," Arthur said. "I can put two and two together however hard you've tried to keep things from me."

"It would have destroyed you if you'd killed him," Merlin said.

"How much of you did it destroy to deny magic?" Merlin didn't say anything and Arthur continued. "I remember a sorcerer who transformed himself into an old man so he could take the blame for a supposed crime and nearly got himself burnt at the stake."

"You should really stop now," Merlin said.

"You got to go on forever with your list that I didn't want to hear," Arthur said.

"Stop it!" Merlin said, standing up and facing him. "I don't deserve absolution."

"Did I deserve absolution for the destruction of that Druid camp?" Arthur asked, standing up. "How about for killing the unicorn and condemning my own kingdom? What about murdering Caerleon's King? Allowing Gaius to be questioned like a common criminal and kidnapped? Telling Guinevere I could no longer be seen with her? Trying to kill Lancelot in a rage? Refusing Mordred's request and gaining his eternal hatred? How about every time I made a decision in battle that cost my men their lives?"

"You did those things out of ignorance or fear or passion. I was the one who kept the facts from you."

"I can recall numerous times you tried to stop me from doing a lot of those things and others and I would not listen to you."

"But I-" Merlin stopped, suddenly feeling very strange. "Why are we arguing for each other?" he asked.

"Because you are being an idiot," Arthur said calmly. "Merlin, I spent all last night learning how to trust myself again and now here you present me with a list of your sins. You have rotten timing."

"Except when I'm saving your life," Merlin said, feeling a million times better for no reason at all really except that Arthur didn't look like he hated him.

No more than usual, that is.

"I'm still not sure that ever happened," Arthur said.

Merlin smiled and then sobered.

"I am sorry, Arthur. What…what's going to happen?"

Arthur looked straight at him and for a second Merlin was almost blinded by the authority coming off him in waves.

"You and I are going to go deal with Morgana once and for all. Things will change when we get back. You won't lie to me, ever again. I will watch you very closely to make sure you don't. If you ever betray my trust again, I will hunt you to the ends of the earth. That's as far as I've gotten and you'll just have to deal with it. I can't just snap my fingers and make magic legal again, nor do I know if I want to. I still don't know how I feel and you've given me a lot of new information. So be patient for once in your life and let me deal with it."

"I can do that," Merlin said. "We're…okay?"

"We're on the way," Arthur said.

The door opened and Gwen came in. She radiated concern when she looked at them.

"Arthur!" she said, rushing to him and grabbing his hand. "Your hand. Is everything all right?" she asked, looking searchingly at them both.

Arthur looked at Merlin and then clapped him by the shoulder.

"It will be. One day."