A Barely Breathing Story: Chapter Three

[jesterladyfic]

Chapter Three: Spike and the Flooded Basement

Spike digs through the junk in his drawer. He doesn’t really know what he’s looking for but he needs an occupation. He’s not one for sitting still and having to be extra still around Buffy is making him crazy. He’ll do anything for her, but this is taxing his physical and mental strength.

She still isn’t talking a lot. It’s driving Willow and Xander up the wall the way she doesn’t respond to them. They keep thinking everything should be better now that she’s back. Spike knows better. It’s been a week and they expect her to just pop back to normal? Bloody idiots.

The night before they had judged she could handle bad news. Without consulting him or Tara. Again. So they sat her down in the living room and told her about her financial situation being shot to hell with her being back in custody of Dawn and the life insurance they have to give back and, while Spike normally loves her for it, Anya’s blunt delivery of the news was not what Buffy needed to hear, he’s pretty sure.

The funny part is Buffy’s calm acceptance of the news. Not really funny, but odd. She tells them the next morning that she has a job interview at a bank. That’s the funny part.

Spike hears a noise from behind him and doesn’t have to turn around to know she’s there.

“Sorry about the mess, pet,” he says. “But take a load off.”

She sits and then looks at him blankly. He doesn’t know why she keeps coming to him. Is it because she finds comfort in him? Because he’s not nagging her like her other friends? Because she still wants a relationship with him? He can’t really ask her.

“Uh...I do remember what I said,” he blurts out before he can stop himself. “The promise. To protect her. If I had done that...even if I didn't make it...you wouldn't have had to jump.” She doesn’t say anything but he forces himself to go on, in fact, he can’t really help it. “But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but...after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again...do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways. Every night I save you.”

Then he feels bad for putting his guilt on her, for forcing expectations about what their relationship should be like. But his guilt overwhelms him sometimes, flooding through every pore, and he would laugh at anyone who tells him he hasn’t got a conscience. He knows he hasn’t got one, but he’s got her in his head, his heart, his every particle.

And she’s so lifeless before him, just sitting, just breathing.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, forcing a smile. “I don’t expect you to…just let me clean up the place a bit and we can watch some telly if you like.”

She nods slightly and he thinks she looks relieved and he resolves to keep his big mouth shut from now on.

He resolves it again when they’re in her living room and Giles walks in the door. For a minute everything’s great, like old times, because Buffy smiles and nearly breaks Giles in two when she hugs him and he calls her a miracle. Then Giles starts to ask questions and Buffy closes down again and Giles looks just as worried as Spike feels.

“Are you patrolling again or do you want more time?” Giles asks.

Buffy nods slowly.

“I wanna patrol. Spike will go with me.”

“I’m sure back up is just the thing you need,” Giles says and Spike feels oddly grateful to the other man despite how much he resents him for leaving them all in the lurch.

But Giles gives Spike an idea with his words and even though he’s already thought about it, it is this moment where he decides. He makes sure that Buffy is okay being alone with her old Watcher before he leaves to go to the kitchen and use the phone.

“Hello?”

“Private Eye, it’s me.”

“How’s it going?”

“Watcher’s here. Buffy’s patrolling. I think you should come see her. Need some back up.”

“If you wanted my dog all you had to do was say so,” she jokes and he rolls his eyes.

“Sure, bring Scottie down too.”

“I’m so telling him you said that.”

“Never suspected otherwise.”

“You know he can beat you up?”

“You know I can run very fast?”

He can practically hear her smiling.

“Well, I got great news for you, my friend. I have been accepted to the grand University of Sunnydale and I happen to have an interview there this weekend.”

“You shouldn’t waste your talents on this town, luv.”

“I’m not. The school’s not that bad, government demon experimentation aside, and I want to be able to help if I can.”

“And what’s Scottie think about it?”

“Uh…he’s processing.”

“Cowardly way of saying he’s mad.”

“He wants to help me go to Stanford and I won’t let him.”

“Too proud?”

“Let’s not go there.”

Spike shifts until he’s sitting on the counter and ponders how to help another person’s relationship when his own is so unsure.

“Fine, I’ll leave it be. For now. Just let me know when you get here. I’m assuming he’s accompanying you?”

“My, how posh we are today,” she teases. “Yes, I’m surprised the whole town doesn’t want to come with me. Just to make sure I stay gone.”

“I’ve just realized I might need to warn all my snitches you’ll be back in town.”

“It’s an interview about a scholarship and I haven’t decided I’m coming. Hold that bleached head back a bit.”

“Holding. I’ll tell the Slayer you’re coming.”

As they hang up there’s a loud bang from the basement and Spike’s down there before anybody else even makes it to the kitchen. He stops short on the top step because there’s water spraying everywhere from burst pipes and he surveys the damage with a sinking feeling.

He feels Buffy behind him, warm and unmoving.

“Something else to fix,” she says quietly and goes back into the kitchen.

“Good thing you got that job interview, Buff,” Xander says and Spike supposes the whelp is trying to be helpful.

“Can’t wait,” she says with a forced smile but it obviously makes Xander happy.

“You can support yourself and Dawn, maybe not have to depend on other people so much. You’ll be feeling all Buffy-shaped again and ready to slay those vamps and kick ass.”

“Overdoing it,” Spike says and Xander glares at him.

Spike isn’t an idiot and it would definitely take a really special idiot to not notice that Xander’s been making digs at him ever since Buffy got back. Trying to get Buffy to see his viewpoint, maybe they’re attempts to get back at Spike for yelling at them about resurrecting her. All in all, Spike’s relationship with the boy has gone way downhill and Spike thinks that’s actually a bad thing in the long run and marvels at his own maturity.

Xander goes down in the basement and works on the pipes while Buffy and Giles talk some more and Spike wanders upstairs to help Dawn with her homework before they patrol.

“What was the noise?” Dawn asks, much more accustomed to loud sounds than any teenager should be.

“Burst pipes. Basement’s flooded.”

“The Christmas decorations!” she wails, sitting up.

“Harris is working on getting what’s needed out of the line of fire. You work on your history paper.”

“Tell me again why a vampire doesn’t know anything about Central America in the eighteen hundreds?”

“Wasn’t there, Bit. It’s a big world, yeah? But we can work on it.”

“I’d rather ask you a question.”

Spike braces himself because he knows what this is about.

“Buffy’s not opening up. She’s not getting back to herself. She’s just closed down. You two haven’t woken me up being gross at all.”

Spike grimaces.

“Not exactly what she’s got on her mind, I’m betting. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s hard. Gonna be. Gotta accept that.”

“But she’s my sister and she barely looks at me.”

“You’re the one who got her down from that tower, not me, not Red, not the whelp,” Spike says, sitting down next to her. “You matter to your sis. I know it’s hard feeling young and like no one wants your opinion, but that’s the way it is. You gotta help her and it’s not fair, but it’s life.”

“The hardest thing in life is to live in it,” she mumbles to himself and that’s a phrase he’s heard her say over and over again this whole hateful summer.

“Too bloody right. Now you need any help or have you got this? Gotta patrol.”

“Is Buffy going with you?”

“Yup, first time. Progress, huh?”

Dawn smiles and he’s relieved and heads back downstairs after he tells her he’ll look it over when she’s finished where he can feel Buffy out on the porch. He passes Giles and Willow arguing in the kitchen and doesn’t stop.

Outside is cool and soft and, though he can still hear them, it’s better. It’s better because he’s not surrounded by walls and suffering people and because she’s there.

“I wish they’d stop fighting,” she says, nodding back towards the kitchen.

“You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little.” Buffy actually grins and he relaxes even more. “Knew I could get a grin.”

She smiles and sits down on the porch.

He joins her, content to sit in silence.

“Why are you always around when I’m miserable?” she asks quietly.

“Cause that's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not one for crowds myself these days,” he says, lighting up a cigarette.

“Me neither.”

“That works out nicely then.”

Their silence is comforting, not awkward, and he feels like maybe things will be better between them.

It lasts for only a short while because the voices grow in anger and volume and he’s sure Buffy can hear them as clearly as he can.

“You're a very stupid girl. Do you have any idea what you've done? The forces you've harnessed, the lines you've crossed?”

“Giles, I did what I had to do. I did what nobody else could do.”

“Oh, there are others in this world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them.”

“I brought Buffy back into this world, a-and maybe the word you should be looking for is congratulations.”

“Having Buffy back in the world makes me feel...indescribably wonderful, but I wouldn't congratulate you if you jumped off a cliff and happened to survive.”

“That's not what I did, Giles.”

“You were lucky.”

“I wasn't lucky. I was amazing. And how would you know? You weren't even there.”

Spike reckons the Watcher abandonment issues run full-circle around their little group.

“If I had been, I'd have bloody well stopped you. I warned you back when you ensouled Angel that these forces weren’t something to be taken lightly. You’ve been foolish, reckless, and irresponsible. I’m highly disappointed in you. The magics you channeled are more ferocious and primal than anything you can hope to understand and you are lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur!”

“You're right. The magics I used are very powerful. I'm very powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.”

Spike and Buffy listen in silence, but he feels her stiffen. He places a hand on her shoulder and she looks at him, expressionless.

“You’re an old man who can’t comprehend true power,” Willow’s voice says, dark and ugly. “Don’t stand in my way.”

“Are you threatening me?” Giles asks, his voice astonished.

There’s a short pause wherein Spike wonders if he should go in there and knows Buffy must be thinking the same thing. He knows neither of them wants to.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Willow says, sounding more like she’s about to cry. “Look, I don’t want to fight. Spike’s yelled at me, Tara won’t even look at me, and Buffy’s practically a zombie. I’m sorry. I can’t take any more lectures. Can’t you please just be happy she’s back? I was trying to help her.”

“I realize that.” Giles speaks softer now too but Spike can hear him. “But you have to be more careful, more in control. Learn more about what magic means than what it does. Of course…of course seeing Buffy is more than…more than I could ever have hoped for.”

There’s some muffled sobbing and Spike can practically see them in there hugging though if he were Giles he’d be backing the hell away from the witch right about now. He doesn’t feel any better, but he understands Giles and where the man’s coming from. He just hopes Buffy doesn’t feel worse from the conversation even though he knows she will.

“Happy as clams now,” he tells her and she nods, standing up.

“Patrol now?” she asks and she actually sounds a bit eager.

He guesses that has a lot more to do with wanting to get away with the house than actual patrolling.

“I got your back, Slayer,” he says, throwing his cigarette on the porch.

She places one fashionably attired foot on it, grinding out the light.

Patrol goes well and it makes Spike happy. He feels like maybe she can turn some corners; get away from the initial heaviness of being alive again.

She has her job interview the next day and when she comes home she’s sweating and her skirt is torn and she doesn’t say anything other than that it was a demon before she goes upstairs.

He doesn’t follow her.

The next few days are weird; Giles offers to pay for the water damage and repairs and then moves into a hotel. The plumber can’t get there for a week. Willow and Tara are more comfortable but Spike still sees the way Tara looks at the other witch. Harris and his girl are obviously on the fritz cause she’s not coming over and the only thing the boy does is mope. Dawn and Buffy spend some time together. He has no idea where he stands with Buffy.

Veronica comes and she brings sass and the world and hope with her. Logan too. Spike’s never been so glad to see the two of them.

She hugs him for a long time and then Buffy for even longer. Spike sees Buffy hug her back and knows he made the right call.

“I see it didn’t take long to understand what the fashions are again,” Logan teases Buffy when he hugs her and when she laughs it’s the first time since she’s been back and everyone who’s been around exchange looks over Buffy’s and Veronica’s and Logan’s oblivious heads.

“Gotta keep you around,” Spike mumbles, shaking Logan’s hand.

They catch up for awhile and it’s like one of those normal family moments that Spike’s observed over the years and hates and loves at the same time. He never feels like he’s quite a part of them and never feels all the way that he wants to be. But it’s normal and it’s life and that’s what she should do and she’s where he wants to be. Just more confusion for him.

Buffy’s happier now though. She looks like she’s going to live instead of die. She laughs and she talks and makes eye contact. Spike isn’t fooled entirely. He sees she’s making an effort for her friends, but he also sees she knows she can’t live that other way any longer.

Veronica and Logan leave that afternoon for her interview and she promises to let them know what happens and what she decides. Spike notices Logan’s jaw clenching, but he can’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to say anyway.

There’s quiet and there’s calm again. Willow and Tara get all registered for a new semester. Anya apparently decides to forgive Xander for whatever the idiot’s done. Giles works at the shop again. Dawn and her annoying friend Janice go shopping. Buffy doesn’t get the bank job but she does slay the demon that interrupted her interview and, until Spike hauls him out of there, his corpse floats in the still flooded basement.

Veronica calls one night.

“I got the money.”

“We going to Vegas?” he asks.

“You can. At night.”

“Naw, think I’ll pass.”

“Well, then I’ll see you when I get there.”

“You’re coming then?”

“Surprised?”

“Not really. How’s your boy?”

“Resigned. He’s already told me how he plans to abuse his personal plane to come see me.”

“Right, cause a two hour drive is so long.”

“Long enough.”

“You gonna miss him?”

“Of course.”

“You coming just because you can’t not help people?”

“You saying you don’t need the help?”

“I’m saying don’t put your life on hold for ours.”

“Sometimes I wish you’d be just a little bit more evil.”

“You don’t know evil,” he says, feeling a pinch off, despite how glad he is that she’s coming.

“I’ve seen my share,” she says and he remembers she probably has.

“See you soon, ducks.”

“Be careful.”

“Too boring.”

She laughs and hangs up.

Spike wonders what it all means now. To love humans, to feel bound to them, to wonder if he can ever have the one thing he wants more than anything. Why is he even here?

Then he laughs at himself and makes a remark about brooding cavemen and goes to sleep.

Next day he’s sitting outside the Magic Box smoking. It’s a bit too light for him to make it into the shop so he waits for the sun to move.

There’s movement and then Buffy comes into the alley and stops when she sees him.

“Had to give Dawn her lunch,” she says.

“Great big sister stuff,” he says, then looks more closely at her. “You okay?”

“I had to give the talk,” she says.

He looks a bit confused, he’s sure.

“To Willow and Xander. They feel unsure about-about bringing me back. I told them I was in hell.”

He’s not surprised. He knows how much she wants them to be okay. But he’s not worried about them so much as her.

“Buffy, if you're in- if you're in pain...or if you need anything...or if I can do anything for you...”

“You can't.”

“Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.”

She sits on a box beside him and looks down at her hands.

“I was happy. Wherever I was...I was happy. At peace.” He’s a bit shocked, but he waits, he can’t do anything else. “I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time...didn't mean anything...nothing had form, but I was still me, you know?” She glances quickly at him. “And I was warm and I was loved and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or any of it, really...but I think I was in heaven.”

It’s the last thing he expects her to say and also the most obvious. He’s never thought she went anywhere else until she came back.

“And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out by my friends. Everything here is...hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch. This is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that...knowing what I've lost...” Then she stops and he knows she remembers he’s actually there. “I don’t want them to know. They can’t ever know.”

She stands up and she walks away and she’s a little bit taller, a little bit straighter, and he’s scared for her and she’s shocked him and he’s proud of her and she walks away into the sun and he can’t follow her; but, somehow, he thinks it’s better she goes on her own for the moment.