DH Fic: Carry An Awakening Word: Part One
May. 11th, 2010 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jesterladyficTitle: Carry an Awakening Word
By Jesterlady
Pairing: Tony/Priya, Priya/Victor, mentions of Echo/Paul
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometime after Safehaven, Tony gets wiped and becomes Victor again and Priya is caused to remember the good about their relationship
Spoilers: For everything
A/N: I wanted to write a story where Priya had to come to face with the tech and how interchangeable their Doll selves actually are. It became so long I had to split it in two parts. It pretty much wrote itself and I'm not even sure where the thought process behind it came from.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dollhouse. The title is by John Bunyan
Carry An Awakening Word
Part One
She can't remember a time when she didn't know him, didn’t feel him like a constant shadow or light on her skin. That's a lie; she can remember her past perfectly. Australia with all its wonders, creatures, and memories. Her family, the family that she doesn't know the fate of. Her first bike, the last day of high school, the kiss that her mates teased her about for weeks afterward, getting the money to come to America. It's all there, ready for her to recall, but it's not a part of her like he is. He is ingrained, sometimes within her soul, it seems, and she knows how painful it would be to not have him.
But then the doubt begins to creep in like the first hints of the dawn, a
time she's always loved, and not nearly as hopeful. When she allowed VictorTopher to
imprint so many skills within Tony's body, it had been a necessary evil. But she
didn't count on how amazing it would be for him to know who he was and still have the
incredible, unreal abilities that he now has. The thrill of perfection he calls them
and she shudders when she thinks of the tone of devotion he uses as he says it. He
wields them, time and time again, to protect her, to help Echo. T would never have
been born if it weren't for them. She can forgive it because of that.
And then she can't because he's put studs on his face and in the moments when
he's uploading new imprints the look on his face is alien to the familiarity she's
become accustomed to. He's not Tony then, and yet, though she would call him Victor,
when she does, Echo rebukes her.
“He's not Victor,” she would say. “I know Victor. Victor is a Doll. This
is Tony.”
Echo must understand this, she has to. If she doesn't, how can she live with
a hundred people in her head? But Echo hadn't originated that crime. It's something
that was done to her, something she's had to learn to live with. And the fact that
it's voluntary, that Tony does it, day in, day out, is unforgiveable.
When she calls him Victor, he looks at her with something like disgust in his
eyes. He can’t quite manage it and she knows it's because she is the only thing that
keeps him going, the only light in his eyes. His human eyes.
“If I were Victor, I’d be off trying to be my best somewhere. I’m here,
Priya.”
“Victor is what they made you. By putting all that junk in your head, you're
choosing to be him.”
“Victor doesn’t know who he is. I do. My name is Anthony. You’re Priya.
I’ve loved you since before we met.”
“Anthony didn’t have wires and circuits.”
“I don’t have wires and circuits,” he says harshly.
“You’re Victor,” she accuses.
“Victor loves you!” he says loudly. And she quiets because it's true.
“What’s wrong with Victor then? If it weren’t for him loving you, we wouldn’t be
here right now.”
“Victor loves Sierra.”
“You’re gonna have to realize,” he says, softly, gently, “that we aren’t as
far away from them as you might like. They’re inside us, and always will be.”
She breaks down at that point and he simply holds her, stroking her hair.
And when she has a momentary flash of them doing this in reverse in a shower, not so
long before, she realizes he has a point and that only makes her cry harder.
They finally have a home. Safehaven has become something Australia or LA
never was. He helps her in the garden and they share moments in the grass and the
soil. She will never get over needing living, growing things to make her happy. His
face is streaked with dirt instead of paint or blood, and he's laughing and
carefree. She can't see the studs from this angle and it makes her more relaxed than
she's been in so long. He pulls her down to mingle with her garden and him and life
and that moment is one she clings to in the months to come.
After T is born, the fighting starts in earnest. She rages at him for the
inhumanity of the tech and he firmly stands his ground. It doesn't help that Echo
and Paul stand by him, slightly disapproving, yet not censoring. It doesn't help
that there was an attack where he saved the day. It doesn't help that she can feel
his conviction and his love as strong as always. But her heart is starting to harden
and every time she sees those studs the bloodlust she hasn't felt since Nolan begins
to rise up in her. He was supposed to save her from those feelings. She could blame
Topher for not letting her forget, but the genius now plays on the ground with broken
toys and who could blame that? So she has to blame Tony, and if blame is to be laid,
then his door is the right one.
They both make the decision to keep T away from the tech. It’s the only
thing they can agree on. It doesn’t matter now because T is so young. But he’ll
grow older and his father’s face will be the one to ruin that hedge of protection.
Priya pleads with him, the tears streaming down her face, her pain a monument to
everything in their past and future.
“Be his father,” she begs. “Be mine.”
“I will never be anything but yours,” he replies.
But he doesn’t remove the studs.
In the meantime, he rocks his son and sings to him. He builds him toys or
finds him broken ones that Topher can fix. Topher doesn’t do more than that these
days, and it’s a welcome sight to see him doing something other than mumbling
scientific gibberish. But that sight is marred by the other one that’s more common.
A tech-filled body holding her son, speaking words of endearment. Were those words
programmed into him? Did he find something that would make him say the right
things? If so, it isn’t real. And if there’s anything Priya can’t stand, it’s a lie.
They still make love, the desperation of the times, of their needs, overpowering any
resentment she can’t quite conceal. His body is as welcoming as it ever was, but she
begins to think it’s just a shell and whatever's inside has long drained away the
essence of the man she loves. She starts to fear she will be enslaved to him
forever. She can’t seem to manage living without feeling him near her. They’ve
tried to separate, back so long ago, before they’d left the Dollhouse. It only took
the road to Safehaven to cause them to seek each other out again.
Eventually, she grows to hate the sight of Tony near T. It becomes too painful to
see something that should be the pride of her heart, surrounded by hints of rotting
lies and shiny, metal illusions that destroyed the world and now want to destroy
her. She manages to tell him calmly and he doesn’t argue. She never sees them
together after that. But she knows he still sees T. Every time she’s out in the
garden and leaves the baby with Adelle or another person who’s escaped from hell, she
doesn’t see him. And she knows it’s because he’s with T. It’s what she wants, but
the fear grows stronger than the desire.
He’s gone for long periods of time on missions, they never call them engagements now,
and she spends that time worrying, hating, fearing and feeling as if he’s stripping
her humanity away with his own.
She’s going to tell him that he has to leave. He’s going to accept it and
realize that T’s old enough to grow attached to the person of his father. He must
leave now before it’s too late. He’ll be a wandering tech-head, with his buddies and
their necklaces of tech. Priya almost laughs at the irony of the image of their
savagery, chips instead of teeth, the trophies of cavemen who’ve evolved into
computers and find they haven’t changed at all. It’s not human. And she’s going to
tell him that. She’s going to soak in the smell of him and then feel her heart
freeze and shatter as she watches their monstrosity drive away.
But there’s an attack- there’s screaming and running and she’s desperately
searching for T. Adelle has him, where is Adelle? And she sees Tony, she sees him
running for her, motioning for her to run. And she can see what’s chasing him. And
then it happens and the bright light shines behind him and she can’t look away from
the horror. Because he’s on the ground, wondering if he’s been sleeping, and Paul
has caught her around the waist and is dragging her away, and she’s screaming and
fighting him and then there's darkness.
When the darkness fades, it’s still dark. She’s lying on her – their - cot,
and T is in his cradle. She can feel him in the room and she searches the darkness.
A light is struck and Echo is there, holding Priya’s husband by the hand.
“Tony?” she asks in a voice that quivers more than a little.
“Who is Tony? Is he your friend, Sierra?”
She recoils.
“Echo?”
“He got wiped,” the other woman says plainly.
There’s no room for easing things in anymore.
“Sierra, you’re sad. Why are you sad?”
“Make him stop, make him stop,” she shrieks and Echo takes a hold of her
shoulders while Victor looks on helplessly.
“Pull yourself together, Priya. He can’t remember, but that’s still Tony.”
“He wanted to be Victor and now he is,” she wails instead of answering.
“Nothing but circuits in his head. He’s gone.”
“Priya!” Echo shouts and shakes her friend.
She looks up and sees the harsh lines of Echo’s face and manages to quiet
herself.
“What’s going to happen?” she asks quietly.
“I’m trying to see if Topher can look at him, but the idea is freaking him
out. Just talk to him. He trusts you, help him.”
“He’s not, he’s not-“
“He’s Tony. Now help him.”
Echo leaves them alone and Victor stands by the door, afraid, unsure, clearly
wanting to advance, but not knowing if he can.
“Victor,” she says slowly.
“Sierra,” he replies eagerly, “did I do something wrong?”
“No,” she says. “No. You’re your best. Come and sit.”
If she sounds a little sarcastic, she doesn't care.
He moves toward her, his body language so foreign to her after having
practically imprinted Tony’s in her mind. But it’s not unfamiliar, she can feel that.
“Who is that?” he asks, pointing toward the cradle.
Priya stiffens, but goes and picks up T.
“He’s my son. His name is T.”
“Why do you have a son?”
“Because I needed him,” she answers.
Victor looks confused.
“He’s nice. His face is peaceful.”
“He’s sleeping,” she says quietly. “Do you know any songs, Victor?”
“Songs?”
“To sing.”
She demonstrates.
He looks enraptured.
“Do it again, please.”
Priya knows her voice isn’t anything special, but Tony has always liked it.
She flinches at the memory and sings for Victor and T.
Victor sleeps on the floor, because he says that he can’t sleep on a bed. He
asks where the pods are and she can’t answer him. She goes to the main room of the
house and finds Adelle, Paul and Echo. Topher is crouching in the corner, writing
things on his hands. Adelle watches him closely as she speaks.
“How is he?”
“He’s sleeping,” Priya answers. “He’s a Doll.”
She can’t keep the bitterness out of her voice.
“What can we do?” Paul asks smoothly, avoiding her tone.
She smiles to herself because Paul is always like that. It appears that no
one can ever leave the old life behind.
“We don’t keep any tech here,” Echo says. “We’d need his personality.”
“Wedges are required,” Topher mumbles. “Taken from the seat of power,
multiplied to the full. I did that too many times.”
“Wedges,” Priya says, brightly. “Tony, he told me, there are backups of all
of us in Los Angeles. Back there.”
“That’s a war zone,” Adelle puts in. “It would be nearly impossible to
retrieve it.”
“But it’s Tony,” Priya pleads. “You can’t leave him like that. You can’t
condemn him to being Victor.”
“Victor loves Sierra,” Topher says. “I can’t live with a secret like that.
Why didn’t they protect her?”
“Sierra’s fine, Topher,” Adelle tells him gently. “Remember how you freed
her and helped her become Priya again?”
“No one’s free,” he replies. “No one’s free and it’s because I drew that
map.”
“Sh, sweetheart,” Adelle says, leaning down closer to him and he clings to
her hand.
“Echo,” Priya pleads, “please. I’ll go, I don’t care.”
“You’re staying here,” Echo says firmly. “Paul and I will go.”
“All right,” Paul says. “Road trip.”
“You’ll need some friends,” Adelle suggests. “Try Alpha.”
“Word last week said he was close,” Paul agrees. “He’ll have transport.”
“I have to help,” Priya says.
“You have a son,” Echo replies. “Now take care of him. And Tony. We’ll be
back as soon as we can, but it’s gonna take some time. We’ll have to move slowly and
who knows what we’ll find when we get there.”
“Thank you,” Priya says fervently.
She hugs Echo gratefully.
“We’ll leave as soon as possible.”
By Jesterlady
Pairing: Tony/Priya, Priya/Victor, mentions of Echo/Paul
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometime after Safehaven, Tony gets wiped and becomes Victor again and Priya is caused to remember the good about their relationship
Spoilers: For everything
A/N: I wanted to write a story where Priya had to come to face with the tech and how interchangeable their Doll selves actually are. It became so long I had to split it in two parts. It pretty much wrote itself and I'm not even sure where the thought process behind it came from.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dollhouse. The title is by John Bunyan
Carry An Awakening Word
Part One
She can't remember a time when she didn't know him, didn’t feel him like a constant shadow or light on her skin. That's a lie; she can remember her past perfectly. Australia with all its wonders, creatures, and memories. Her family, the family that she doesn't know the fate of. Her first bike, the last day of high school, the kiss that her mates teased her about for weeks afterward, getting the money to come to America. It's all there, ready for her to recall, but it's not a part of her like he is. He is ingrained, sometimes within her soul, it seems, and she knows how painful it would be to not have him.
But then the doubt begins to creep in like the first hints of the dawn, a
time she's always loved, and not nearly as hopeful. When she allowed VictorTopher to
imprint so many skills within Tony's body, it had been a necessary evil. But she
didn't count on how amazing it would be for him to know who he was and still have the
incredible, unreal abilities that he now has. The thrill of perfection he calls them
and she shudders when she thinks of the tone of devotion he uses as he says it. He
wields them, time and time again, to protect her, to help Echo. T would never have
been born if it weren't for them. She can forgive it because of that.
And then she can't because he's put studs on his face and in the moments when
he's uploading new imprints the look on his face is alien to the familiarity she's
become accustomed to. He's not Tony then, and yet, though she would call him Victor,
when she does, Echo rebukes her.
“He's not Victor,” she would say. “I know Victor. Victor is a Doll. This
is Tony.”
Echo must understand this, she has to. If she doesn't, how can she live with
a hundred people in her head? But Echo hadn't originated that crime. It's something
that was done to her, something she's had to learn to live with. And the fact that
it's voluntary, that Tony does it, day in, day out, is unforgiveable.
When she calls him Victor, he looks at her with something like disgust in his
eyes. He can’t quite manage it and she knows it's because she is the only thing that
keeps him going, the only light in his eyes. His human eyes.
“If I were Victor, I’d be off trying to be my best somewhere. I’m here,
Priya.”
“Victor is what they made you. By putting all that junk in your head, you're
choosing to be him.”
“Victor doesn’t know who he is. I do. My name is Anthony. You’re Priya.
I’ve loved you since before we met.”
“Anthony didn’t have wires and circuits.”
“I don’t have wires and circuits,” he says harshly.
“You’re Victor,” she accuses.
“Victor loves you!” he says loudly. And she quiets because it's true.
“What’s wrong with Victor then? If it weren’t for him loving you, we wouldn’t be
here right now.”
“Victor loves Sierra.”
“You’re gonna have to realize,” he says, softly, gently, “that we aren’t as
far away from them as you might like. They’re inside us, and always will be.”
She breaks down at that point and he simply holds her, stroking her hair.
And when she has a momentary flash of them doing this in reverse in a shower, not so
long before, she realizes he has a point and that only makes her cry harder.
They finally have a home. Safehaven has become something Australia or LA
never was. He helps her in the garden and they share moments in the grass and the
soil. She will never get over needing living, growing things to make her happy. His
face is streaked with dirt instead of paint or blood, and he's laughing and
carefree. She can't see the studs from this angle and it makes her more relaxed than
she's been in so long. He pulls her down to mingle with her garden and him and life
and that moment is one she clings to in the months to come.
After T is born, the fighting starts in earnest. She rages at him for the
inhumanity of the tech and he firmly stands his ground. It doesn't help that Echo
and Paul stand by him, slightly disapproving, yet not censoring. It doesn't help
that there was an attack where he saved the day. It doesn't help that she can feel
his conviction and his love as strong as always. But her heart is starting to harden
and every time she sees those studs the bloodlust she hasn't felt since Nolan begins
to rise up in her. He was supposed to save her from those feelings. She could blame
Topher for not letting her forget, but the genius now plays on the ground with broken
toys and who could blame that? So she has to blame Tony, and if blame is to be laid,
then his door is the right one.
They both make the decision to keep T away from the tech. It’s the only
thing they can agree on. It doesn’t matter now because T is so young. But he’ll
grow older and his father’s face will be the one to ruin that hedge of protection.
Priya pleads with him, the tears streaming down her face, her pain a monument to
everything in their past and future.
“Be his father,” she begs. “Be mine.”
“I will never be anything but yours,” he replies.
But he doesn’t remove the studs.
In the meantime, he rocks his son and sings to him. He builds him toys or
finds him broken ones that Topher can fix. Topher doesn’t do more than that these
days, and it’s a welcome sight to see him doing something other than mumbling
scientific gibberish. But that sight is marred by the other one that’s more common.
A tech-filled body holding her son, speaking words of endearment. Were those words
programmed into him? Did he find something that would make him say the right
things? If so, it isn’t real. And if there’s anything Priya can’t stand, it’s a lie.
They still make love, the desperation of the times, of their needs, overpowering any
resentment she can’t quite conceal. His body is as welcoming as it ever was, but she
begins to think it’s just a shell and whatever's inside has long drained away the
essence of the man she loves. She starts to fear she will be enslaved to him
forever. She can’t seem to manage living without feeling him near her. They’ve
tried to separate, back so long ago, before they’d left the Dollhouse. It only took
the road to Safehaven to cause them to seek each other out again.
Eventually, she grows to hate the sight of Tony near T. It becomes too painful to
see something that should be the pride of her heart, surrounded by hints of rotting
lies and shiny, metal illusions that destroyed the world and now want to destroy
her. She manages to tell him calmly and he doesn’t argue. She never sees them
together after that. But she knows he still sees T. Every time she’s out in the
garden and leaves the baby with Adelle or another person who’s escaped from hell, she
doesn’t see him. And she knows it’s because he’s with T. It’s what she wants, but
the fear grows stronger than the desire.
He’s gone for long periods of time on missions, they never call them engagements now,
and she spends that time worrying, hating, fearing and feeling as if he’s stripping
her humanity away with his own.
She’s going to tell him that he has to leave. He’s going to accept it and
realize that T’s old enough to grow attached to the person of his father. He must
leave now before it’s too late. He’ll be a wandering tech-head, with his buddies and
their necklaces of tech. Priya almost laughs at the irony of the image of their
savagery, chips instead of teeth, the trophies of cavemen who’ve evolved into
computers and find they haven’t changed at all. It’s not human. And she’s going to
tell him that. She’s going to soak in the smell of him and then feel her heart
freeze and shatter as she watches their monstrosity drive away.
But there’s an attack- there’s screaming and running and she’s desperately
searching for T. Adelle has him, where is Adelle? And she sees Tony, she sees him
running for her, motioning for her to run. And she can see what’s chasing him. And
then it happens and the bright light shines behind him and she can’t look away from
the horror. Because he’s on the ground, wondering if he’s been sleeping, and Paul
has caught her around the waist and is dragging her away, and she’s screaming and
fighting him and then there's darkness.
When the darkness fades, it’s still dark. She’s lying on her – their - cot,
and T is in his cradle. She can feel him in the room and she searches the darkness.
A light is struck and Echo is there, holding Priya’s husband by the hand.
“Tony?” she asks in a voice that quivers more than a little.
“Who is Tony? Is he your friend, Sierra?”
She recoils.
“Echo?”
“He got wiped,” the other woman says plainly.
There’s no room for easing things in anymore.
“Sierra, you’re sad. Why are you sad?”
“Make him stop, make him stop,” she shrieks and Echo takes a hold of her
shoulders while Victor looks on helplessly.
“Pull yourself together, Priya. He can’t remember, but that’s still Tony.”
“He wanted to be Victor and now he is,” she wails instead of answering.
“Nothing but circuits in his head. He’s gone.”
“Priya!” Echo shouts and shakes her friend.
She looks up and sees the harsh lines of Echo’s face and manages to quiet
herself.
“What’s going to happen?” she asks quietly.
“I’m trying to see if Topher can look at him, but the idea is freaking him
out. Just talk to him. He trusts you, help him.”
“He’s not, he’s not-“
“He’s Tony. Now help him.”
Echo leaves them alone and Victor stands by the door, afraid, unsure, clearly
wanting to advance, but not knowing if he can.
“Victor,” she says slowly.
“Sierra,” he replies eagerly, “did I do something wrong?”
“No,” she says. “No. You’re your best. Come and sit.”
If she sounds a little sarcastic, she doesn't care.
He moves toward her, his body language so foreign to her after having
practically imprinted Tony’s in her mind. But it’s not unfamiliar, she can feel that.
“Who is that?” he asks, pointing toward the cradle.
Priya stiffens, but goes and picks up T.
“He’s my son. His name is T.”
“Why do you have a son?”
“Because I needed him,” she answers.
Victor looks confused.
“He’s nice. His face is peaceful.”
“He’s sleeping,” she says quietly. “Do you know any songs, Victor?”
“Songs?”
“To sing.”
She demonstrates.
He looks enraptured.
“Do it again, please.”
Priya knows her voice isn’t anything special, but Tony has always liked it.
She flinches at the memory and sings for Victor and T.
Victor sleeps on the floor, because he says that he can’t sleep on a bed. He
asks where the pods are and she can’t answer him. She goes to the main room of the
house and finds Adelle, Paul and Echo. Topher is crouching in the corner, writing
things on his hands. Adelle watches him closely as she speaks.
“How is he?”
“He’s sleeping,” Priya answers. “He’s a Doll.”
She can’t keep the bitterness out of her voice.
“What can we do?” Paul asks smoothly, avoiding her tone.
She smiles to herself because Paul is always like that. It appears that no
one can ever leave the old life behind.
“We don’t keep any tech here,” Echo says. “We’d need his personality.”
“Wedges are required,” Topher mumbles. “Taken from the seat of power,
multiplied to the full. I did that too many times.”
“Wedges,” Priya says, brightly. “Tony, he told me, there are backups of all
of us in Los Angeles. Back there.”
“That’s a war zone,” Adelle puts in. “It would be nearly impossible to
retrieve it.”
“But it’s Tony,” Priya pleads. “You can’t leave him like that. You can’t
condemn him to being Victor.”
“Victor loves Sierra,” Topher says. “I can’t live with a secret like that.
Why didn’t they protect her?”
“Sierra’s fine, Topher,” Adelle tells him gently. “Remember how you freed
her and helped her become Priya again?”
“No one’s free,” he replies. “No one’s free and it’s because I drew that
map.”
“Sh, sweetheart,” Adelle says, leaning down closer to him and he clings to
her hand.
“Echo,” Priya pleads, “please. I’ll go, I don’t care.”
“You’re staying here,” Echo says firmly. “Paul and I will go.”
“All right,” Paul says. “Road trip.”
“You’ll need some friends,” Adelle suggests. “Try Alpha.”
“Word last week said he was close,” Paul agrees. “He’ll have transport.”
“I have to help,” Priya says.
“You have a son,” Echo replies. “Now take care of him. And Tony. We’ll be
back as soon as we can, but it’s gonna take some time. We’ll have to move slowly and
who knows what we’ll find when we get there.”
“Thank you,” Priya says fervently.
She hugs Echo gratefully.
“We’ll leave as soon as possible.”
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-13 01:17 am (UTC)