Role Reversal: Chapter Four

[jesterladyfic]

Chapter Four: In Which the Past Literally Comes Back to Haunt Me

For some reason I was dreaming about Jenny Calendar. She was not someone I wanted to see in a casual dream or even non-casual, come to think of it. She brought back memories and guilt and betrayal and old wounds. Yet there she was, smiling at me. Of course, her head was crooked and she had to stand sideways to look at me. That was interesting.

“Buffy, how are you?” Her voice was light and mellow.

“Pretty tired, actually. Could you skip off to somebody else’s dream and let me sleep? Like Giles maybe.
Traitor with traitor.” Her face was sad then.

“He never meant for this to happen, Buffy. He was just caught between a rock and a hard place.”

“First off, I’m not a rock, and, second, well, it’s supposed to be hard to betray someone. That’s what makes it
a betrayal.”

“Buffy, who said you were the rock? It’s a hard place to be in; caught between the values of your life and a
person you love. I know.”

“Yeah, well, it got you so very far,” I told her, trying to quell the feelings this conversation was releasing from the
special place I used to suppress them. Her face twisted a bit, like she was also trying to forget, but she chuckled a
little at me.

“Regardless of my actions, I know whom you blame for my death.”

I swallowed hard and said the unnecessary.

“Me.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t kill him before he could kill you.”

“True. Maybe you should just die.”

My head snapped up at that suggestion.

“What are you talking about?” I hate it when ghosts pop into my dreams and tell me what to do.

“You’re so useless, just die.”

“If I die then a lot of other people die without me.”

“Exactly.” I watched her lips, they were so perfect. Not rotted away, but just as I remembered. “Buffy, you
have a purpose and you need help with that purpose, just like you used to have.”

“Oh, I’ve got help.” I laughed bitterly. “Two civilians, a green witch, a werewolf, a back-stabby librarian and two
psychotic vampires. We could even add in the partridge if it’d make you feel better.”

Jenny laughed with me and then said gently.

“I meant Angel.”

“Oh, the vampire who murdered you?” I asked casually.

Her lips quirked up in a smile.

“That’s the one. Buffy, I’m happy now and I’ve forgiven him. Angelus is no more. It was Angel you killed.”

“Wow, which makes me feel so much better. But this is ridiculous cause, like you said, I killed him.”

“The dead can be brought back. He was dead before you killed him.”

“Really don’t need a reminder about my boinking the undead here. Faith already has that position filled.” My
voice caught. “Well, she did anyway.”

“She’s another reason you need him. There’s a ritual you can perform, Buffy.” I couldn’t believe what I was
hearing.

“Buffy, I need you. Please.” Angel’s voice echoed in the blank space I suddenly occupied and I saw a flash of
him kneeling on the floor with blood dripping down his face.


I sat up in bed, gasping. Mom knocked on the door and told me to get ready for school.

***

I made sure that Willow was with me when I went to the library, but the instant we arrived she went to sit on Oz’s lap. So much for best friend stick-togetherness. Giles sent me a look but otherwise didn’t try to talk to me. I had recovered my powers, but the memories didn’t go away along with the helplessness. Xander and Cordelia came in, wrapped around each other in a way that reminded me of a less-adept-at-being-good-at-too-much-PDA, Spike and Drusilla. It creeped me out that I was even mildly able to rate that sort of thing so I called our meeting, for lack of another word, to order.

“It’s been a couple of days, but some stuff happened you guys should know about.”

“What’s up, Buffy?” Willow asked, all perky and innocent. I wish I was like that again.

“Giles is no longer my Watcher.” It hurt to even say his name. Everyone looked stunned, of course. Giles
didn’t say anything. “The reason I lost my powers was that the Council was trying to test my skill at not being killed
and I passed, but apparently he didn’t. I don’t know why, though, because he seemed to do exactly what they
wanted in my opinion.”

Only Giles caught the slur, but only Giles was intended to. Willow was highly indignant. That actually amused
me.

“They fired Giles? They can’t fire Giles! It’s like firing the President or the wise-man or something.”

“Whatever Giles may be, he’s fired and they’re gonna send another Watcher.”

“More Englishmen?” Cordelia asked, bored. “Can anyone else say blah?”

“Giles, are you okay?” Willow asked, frantic in her concern for the man. Go, Will, you nurture that Judas-
wannabe over there.

Giles slowly looked up from where he’d been fondling his glasses. I’ve noticed he does that when he doesn’t
want to be involved with something.

“There are other matters on my mind at present, Willow,” he replied, glancing at me and then at Willow’s look of
confusion, added, “such as the Mayor.” Way to cover up your betrayal, Giles.

“Oh yeah.”

Everyone was quiet for awhile. I broke the silence.

“Just be careful, guys, around the new guy. I trust him more than some people at this moment, but he does
work for the Council of Bored Old Men Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Run My Life.” With that crushing
statement, I made a swishing exit.


***

“What’s her deal?” Cordelia asked, puzzled. Xander nodded.

“Yeah, I’ve never seen Buffy so…so…”

“Bitter,” Giles supplied bitterly. He sighed as he glanced at the four young people seated in his library and who
trusted him. “Buffy is rather upset right now. It’s my fault and I take full responsibility. I’m afraid it was I who acted
on the Council’s orders and took away her powers and thus endangered Joyce.”

“What?” Xander and Willow cried.

“Yes, I betrayed Buffy and now she does not trust me. I would hold no grudge against any of you were you to
choose likewise.”

“Count me in,” Cordelia said as if they were discussing an after school activity. Oz stayed quiet, watching
Willow’s expression turn to horror.

“Giles, you-“ she stopped.

Giles looked at her, pained and nodded.

“Yes, I did. I am deeply sorry for it now, but it is done and now Buffy is paying for it.”

“I-I gotta think about this.” Xander stood up and walked away. Willow gripped Oz’s hand and stood up also.

“I have to talk to Buffy.” And she left. They all left, leaving Giles standing alone, looking at the table.


***

“Buffy! Wait up.” I cringed at the sound of Willow’s voice echoing behind me in the hallway. It wasn’t unexpected, but I didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. But I turned anyway and pasted a cheery Buffy smile on my face. I saw she could see right through it. Dang, but Willow’s getting good.

“Don’t look all fake-happy, Buffy. Giles told us what happened.” I flinched at the sound of his name. “Buffy, I’m
so sorry. I can’t imagine why he would - how this happened.”

“I know, Will. Don’t sweat it. It’s not your fault.”

Her face got the guilty, puppy look.

“But I could’ve helped you. I’ve been so busy and not around. I’m a bad friend when I’m supposed to be the
best friend.”

“You are, Will. You always will be, but that doesn’t mean you have to be my shadow.”

We moved to the lounge and sat on one of the couches.

“But I could be my shadow and my shadow could be with me who’s with you,” she said hopefully. I looked at
her askance. Willow wrinkled her nose. “I know, that’s dumb. But I know you’ve been through a lot lately. I can’t
imagine how much. I admit, I was really jealous of Faith and when she went away I didn’t know what to say.”

“Willow, you don’t have to say anything. We’re cool now, right?”

She nodded vigorously.

“Totally of the cool with us. Best buds.”

“What about the Spike sitch? Do you think I’m totally crazy?”

“Not totally crazy, but maybe like ten percent crazy,” she admitted. “Spike’s always given me the heeby-
jeebies. But I trust you, even when you’re ten percent crazy.” I smiled and felt warmer than I had in days. I missed
my Willow. Faith was new, exciting and intense, but it just didn’t compare to the warm, secure, giddy flavor of Willow.

“About Giles,” she continued. The warm feeling vanished. “What are you going to do?”

“I really can’t trust him right now,” I said softly. “But you go ahead. It will just take me awhile.”

“I can imagine, or rather I can’t, but I’ll try,” she offered. I gave her a hug and heaved a deep breath and
proceeded to tell her about my Jenny and Angel dream. Her eyes got as wide as only Willow’s eyes could and she
exclaimed,

“Talk about a restless night. Poor Buffy.”

“I know. I just can’t decide if it’s a Slayer dream or not and if Angel really needs my help. Normally, I’d talk to
Giles about it, but…” I let my sentence hang in the air.

“Yeah, well, if you like I can do some research,” she offered. “Use my magic-y know how.”

“Be careful, Will,” I admonished. “I know you’re all about the magic these days, but I don’t want you in over
your head.”

“Oh, posh,” she said. “Be supportive friend here. I’ll be careful, I promise. All careful-ness.” I smiled.

“Good.” Willow smiled back, but got serious again the next minute. “Buffy, I know how much you want to help
Angel, but maybe this is just a distraction that you don’t need right now. Or even if he needed help, should we give it to him?” I felt betrayed as she said it, but I nodded.

“There’s always a risk in everything we do. Let’s just see if we can figure out what it is first. And don’t tell
anyone. Especially not Giles or Xander. They aren’t exactly what one would call Angel-friendly.”

“You got that really right,” Willow replied, obviously out of the depth of her experience with Xander.

“Also,” I added as an afterthought, “maybe you could do some crazy vampire research? I have to keep my deal
with Spike and so far, out of the two of us, he’s done more. And you know me, I gotta keep ahead of the dead.”
Willow smiled, but with little real joy.

“You got it. The only research I think I ever didn’t want to do and will.”

“You’re the best,” I told her as she left for the library. But I still felt cold inside. One good Willow conversation
couldn’t repair the damage that Angel’s death and Giles’ and Faith’s betrayal and revived memories brought on by
dreams and Spike’s little lectures, had wrought in me.

***

The air was warm and sweet. I felt sticky and decided to go home for a shower. But when I turned to leave, the door to the library swung shut, and Angel stepped out of the shadows,

“Hello lover,” he said, his voice a caress compared to the last time I’d heard him say those words to me. I
stared at him and devoured him with my eyes. Great, now I'm creating my own trashy romance novels.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“Oh, hell,” he replied, as if that didn’t matter at all. “But where are you?”

“Hell,” I answered.

He shook his head and tsked at me.

“Buffy, you deserve better than that.”

“I think you do too,” I replied, tears coming to my eyes. Angel walked toward me and wrapped his arms around
me. I felt overshadowed, sheltered and insignificant. “Why can’t we be happy?” I murmured into his chest. A low
rumble of laughter reverberated against my face through his shirt.

“Because I’m dangerous when I’m happy.” I wrapped my arms around him tighter. “You’re as close to
happiness as I’ve ever gotten, Buffy,” he told me. “Don’t let that die.”

“I promise. I never will,” I assured him, meeting his lips. It had been so long, but something wasn’t right.
Something disappeared, something changed and he melted away. I cried out in dismay and fell to my knees at the
loss.


***

Faith looked down at the bowl filled with clear water and watched Buffy fall to her knees. A twinge ran through her at the sight, but she let a dangerous smile play around the corners of her lips. After all, how are the mighty fallen.

“Coming along nicely,” the Mayor commented from behind her.

Faith turned to greet him.

“Little Miss Perfect’s gonna have a mighty craving for the big guy before long.”

“Excellent,” he praised. “I’m going to leave this in your hands. I’ve some business that has to get done by this
afternoon. Funny how work just piles up when you’re planning destruction. I didn’t have time for my drive shot this
afternoon. You know, I wonder if demolition workers deal with this problem?” Faith stared blankly. “Oh well,” he said
with a winsome shrug, “evil calls. Couldn’t have done it without you, Faith.”

“Right, boss,” Faith told him and turned back to the image of Buffy. The Mayor exited and Faith searched her
mind for more memories Buffy had shared with her to use against her in her dreams.

***

For some reason I didn’t tell Willow about the latest dream. Her words about Angel trying to contact me not being a good thing had really grated. Plus, it was just really personal, the two of us together. I wanted to keep it that way for now. She hadn’t come up with anything on the dream front, having to be careful not to alert Giles to what she was doing.

Over the next few days I had assorted dreams involving Angel in one form or another. Most of them, he would come
to me as he used to and then something would come and take him and hurt him. It was starting to drive me
absolutely insane, not being able to help him, and everyone I know seemed to make it worse by not knowing and not
seeing the issues that continued to plague me, such as dealing with Faith and the dreams and the constant strain of
working with Spike. He was the only one who didn’t strain on my nerves, other than normal anyway. He just was
what he was and that was evil and wanting to kill me. I knew where I stood. Nowhere else did I know and it was
killing me.


***


Giles was working late in the library one night when the door opened and Spike strode in with Drusilla twirling on his arm. Giles sighed and put down the book he was holding.

“What can I do for you two?” he asked, impatience in his voice. Spike slowly smiled at him.

“You can start fulfilling your end of the bargain, mate. Dru here is hungry.”

“Like a shark,” she agreed, licking her lips and staring at Giles’ throat.

“I’m rather busy right now,” Giles answered quietly.

Spike’s grin disappeared.

“You’ve got nothing to do, Watcher. Heard all about your being fired. Now be a good guy and help us evil folk.
I may have promised the Slayer not to hurt any of her mates, but then again you don’t seem to be all that close
lately. She might even thank us for it later. But either way, she never said anything about us annoying you to
death.”

Giles sighed and gestured to the table. Spike sat Dru down, giving her a small knife to play with. She amused
herself sticking it in table and twisting bits of wood off. Giles was not pleased, but he got down his section of books
on vampires and gypsies and he and Spike got to work


***

“Lost the boy-toy again?” Spike’s voice snarked out at me from the crowd at the Bronze.

“Go away, Spike. I’m meeting Angel right now, otherwise I’d take the time to dust your sorry dead shell.” He
appeared beside me and I glared at him.

“Where is he then? Late, I think, or not showing?”

“Daddy’s gone! He’s gone. And it’s time to pay, Buffy.”

Now Drusilla was there, also with the mocking and annoying. I walked away from them to stand by the door so
that I would be sure to spot Angel when he came in. Behind me I could hear Drusilla crying to Spike about how
much her daddy needed to do and how she wanted him back.

“Just try it; the good deserve a second chance.” Oz jumped off the stage and handed me his guitar. There
were strange markings on it and I tried to memorize them but the guitar vanished in my hands and when I looked up
at Oz, he’d disappeared and Faith was there.

“Hey there. Looking for him?” She showed me Angel across the room, bound and gagged with various demons
doing nasty things to him on the pool table. I started to run to him, but Faith held me back. “You ain’t got a clue, do
ya? The way is not by him, it’s to him. He’s the only one that can help you beat me. Face it, Blondie, I’m just too
good for you.”

Angel lifted his head and stared at my face, anguish in his eyes.

“Please, Buffy. Please, help me. I love you.”

Faith grinned at the tears rolling down my face and pulled out a wickedly sharp knife.

“Now, I’ll give you to ten to get it done before I come after you.”



I opened my eyes and felt for my alarm clock. It was three in the morning. I couldn’t stand it any longer and got dressed and headed for the library.

Giles, Spike and Drusilla were there. Great, some of my least favorite people and non-people in the world, all
gathered together where I was.

“Buffy!” I’d surprised Giles out of his reserve. Yay me. “What on earth are you doing here at this hour?”

I fumbled for an answer, anything non-Angel related would do. Then I spotted the books they were reading.

“I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to come here and do some research and stuff.” Spike lifted an eyebrow and I
knew he could tell I was lying. I just hoped he wouldn’t say anything. He didn’t. Drusilla wasn’t so helpful.

“She misses the Angel-beast!” Giles looked at me with concern. I shrugged it off.

“I always miss him. I’ll deal. I’m just gonna take some books over here.” I grabbed some books on vampires
and the card catalogue and headed into the stacks. Once there I settled down and found what I was looking for: a
way to bring Angel back. Flipping through pages, I spotted the exact same markings from my dream and anxiously
read the by-script. It was a spell designed for reviving vampires and summoning them from hell. Neat little package if
you ask me. Still, it was what I needed so I slipped the book in my pocket and made a lame excuse to leave and
then left. I thought I could get some sleep now that I had a definite answer in my hands. And I did.


***

I didn’t tell Willow about finding the spell. I did tell her that I’d had another dream and she promised to look in the library during her lunch hour. After talking to her I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Was I really going to bring back Angel using a ritual of questionable integrity and possibly do something really stupid? I knew I should wait for Willow or start talking to Giles again, but I couldn’t. But this could be critical and I forced myself to think. I had just convinced myself to wait for Willow’s research when Cordelia walked into the bathroom. She went straight to the mirror, of course.

“Well, if it isn’t Wonder-Buffy,” she snidely remarked.

“Hello, Cordelia,” I answered, smooth and calm as butter, that’s me.

“So, now that Giles isn’t your Watcher anymore and turned out to be, like, evil, are you just going to become
even more neurotic than normal?” She’s always been one for casual questions, has Cordelia.

“Could you be more specific?” I asked as politely as I could. She started on her lips now that she was done
with her eyes. I idly wondered how much more make up her face could wear.

“You know all obsessive and loner and wounded.”

“How am I being obsessive?” I started to ask. “Wait, you know, I don’t want to know.”

“Ever since you had to kill your boyfriend and ran away from home, you’ve been all gloomy and distant. Despite
his eye-candy potential, I was glad you killed the psycho freak, but now I wish he was still around so that you could
stop ruining everyone’s day with your guilt complex.”

I stared at the girl. She was raving mad, had to be. Or maybe she was just Cordelia, but either way, out of line.

“Whose life have I ruined, exactly? I’m sorry, did I make you miss cheerleading practice?”

Cordelia put her lipstick back in her purse and zipped it up, then turned to face me.

“No, Buffy. I’ve gotten to all my commitments and still managed to keep up with my friends. Not like you have
though, or were you actually planning on going to Xander’s big night at the Bronze?”

I know I must have looked confused, cause I was.

“Huh? Xander has a big night?”

“Yeah, the one he’s been talking about for weeks. The one he invited you to. The stand up comedy contest
tonight?” Somewhere in my mind this rang a bell. Somewhere very far away. “I thought so. Well, while you’re off
moping about Angel, the rest of us will be at the Bronze, supporting Xander, my very lame boyfriend, who,
nevertheless, I will be seen in public with.” Cordelia turned her back to me and walked out and I turned back at the
mirror and looked at myself. That clinched things. I had to get this Angel thing out of the way so I could go back to
worrying about normal things.


***

As I sat on a bluff, high over Sunnydale, I promised myself I would be done in time for Xander’s contest. That said, I got to work. Studying the diagrams in the book, I sprinkled salt in a circle around me with an x through the middle and placed the Claddaugh ring he’d given me on it. Standing inside, I grabbed my candle and lit it and held it up high, then pricked my thumb and squeezed the drops of blood onto the candle, extinguishing it. Then I prepared to read the incantation that should bring Angel from wherever he was, back to me, to free him and to save myself.

“What the bloody hell are you doing?”

I jumped. I hadn’t gotten a single warning from my senses that Spike was behind me.

“It’s none of your business, Spike. Just get out of here or I swear I will dust you.”

“That better not be the kind of ritual I think it is, Slayer.”

“What would you know about it?”

“That book is notorious. Baddest evil of the worst kind.”

“Then what is Giles doing with it in the library?” I realized the answer to my question in the sneer on his face.

“Git’s got to keep it safe, right? Or maybe he’s got a bad-magic fetish, either way, stop whatever you’re doing.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, Spike.”

“Fine, tell me what you’re trying to do then. Bring back Lover-Boy? He’s gone, pet, face up to it.”

I was tired of trying to argue with him.

“I can bring him back,” I ground out, trying not to cry at being so close and being thwarted like this.

“Something that looks like him maybe, or something that has his memories, or maybe really him. But you
can’t go messing with dimensions and life and death, Slayer. Not without consequences. There’s always
consequences. Always.”

“You say it like you have a conscience,” I spat at him.

He chuckled a little and started pacing outside my circle.

“No more I do, luv. But magic’s got a way of getting at you, whether you care about good and evil or not. And
I’d just as soon not have all the walls to the dimensions torn down because you miss my wanker of a grand-sire.”

“I need him!” At that moment I didn’t care it was Spike talking and seeing me like this, I didn’t care I was
supposed to be the strong Vampire Slayer. I just needed Angel.

“Well, you can’t have him!” Ooh, he was irritating.

“Who are you to say? What if it was Drusilla? For some reason you care about her. Would you do it if it was
her?”

“I never would’ve killed her in the first place,” he pointed out. “But yeah, I would if I thought it could be done.
But it can’t.”

“He’s the only one who can help me! He’s the only one who can stop the dreams.”

Spike’s eyes narrowed. Whoops, probably shouldn’t have mentioned those.

“What dreams?”

I told him. I didn’t know what else to do. With any luck he’d just go away. But knowing Spike, that didn’t
seem possible. The guy didn’t know how to leave. He was leaving-deficient or something.

“Dreams are dreams, Slayer or not. It’s possible to block them out, and if it will keep you from blowing up the
world with your bloody teenage angst, you can learn how.”

“If I had Angel I wouldn’t need that,” I persisted.

Spike sighed and leaned against a tree.

“Slayer, you’ve got people. Do you know why you’re alive? Because you have them. Most Slayers I’ve known
would never have gotten this far. Going up against the Master! Hell, I wouldn’t want to. But you did and it’s cause
you’ve got family and friends tying you here. Weren’t for your Mum, your blood’d be pooling in my veins. Stop
reaching for the un-gettable and look at what’s already in your hands. Stupid cow.”

“Excuse me?” I stuttered at the last comment.

“You heard me. Anybody who can’t see what she has right in front of her doesn’t deserve the gifts you’ve got.
And you got to stop this. If I have to knock you out, I will.”

“You’ll try,” I told him.

He smirked at me.

“Yeah, and ruin your pretty little circle while I’m at it. Bloody shame that.”

I sighed and looked down at the circle and knew he was right. Heck, that was what Cordelia was saying. If the
two of them were right and I was wrong, maybe I already had broken down the walls of the dimensions and this was
Insane-Backward Land. That made sense.

“Fine. You win. I won’t do it.”

“Sensibility grabs hold,” he commented to the air. “Come on, Slayer, let’s go.”

Spike escorted me to the library like I was an alcoholic about to jump off the AA bandwagon and entered the
library with me to make sure I handed the book off to Giles. Nothing like your own personal intervention vamp. Giles
looked up at us in surprise.

“Buffy, Spike. Everything is all right, I presume?”

“Presume away, Rupes,” Spike said. “Your Slayer here is in a bit of a psychotic bind. Straighten her out, will
ya? Got enough do-gooding to have to do without nurse-mating an emotional stunted eighteen year old girl with
super powers.”

“Buffy.” Giles reached toward me in concern, but didn’t touch me. Spike rolled his eyes and left.

Sighing, I told Giles what had been happening the past couple of weeks. The short version. He was still not up
on my A-list.

“Buffy, I understand why you didn’t want to come to me. I still wish you had.”

“Cut it, Giles,” I told him. “Listen, I’ve been feeling alienated and like the only person I can talk to is Spike,
which is so majorly weird I don’t want to think about it, but I realize I’ve been the one pushing people away. And this
dream thing, well, sounds like evil Hellmouth-y vibes to me in retrospect. But we’re still not friends. I know inside
that you were trying to do the right thing and I’ll come to you for all my Slayer problems, until New-guy gets here, but
I’m gonna need some more time.”

“I understand.” Giles looked up at me again. “I appreciate your honesty, Buffy. Again, I can’t tell you how
sorry I am.”

“No, you can’t. But it’s a start,” I told him. “I’m going to go catch the end of Xander’s contest.”

He nodded.

“Of course, have a good time.”

“I intend to.” And as I walked out, I realized that I did and that I would.

***

Faith stuck her head in the Mayor’s office.

“Bad news, boss. Spike talked her out of it. Looks like she won’t be chaos-ing her life up anytime soon.” She
flopped down on one of the chairs in front of his desk.

“Oh well.” He sighed. “It was a long shot. But a pretty brilliant one, though. You did an excellent job, missie
and that’s not something to be ashamed of.” He smiled at her with fatherly pride. “I just love seeing my little girl
following in my footsteps.”

Faith laughed a little and stood up.

“Well, I think I’ll head home. Catch ya later.”

“Be careful now. I know you’re capable, but always keep your eyes open.”

“Sure thing,” Faith replied and headed towards home. She thought on the way and they weren’t pretty
thoughts. All that stuff she’d used against Buffy, that had been personal stuff. Things Buffy had shared with her in
confidence and while Faith may be working on the evil side, that didn’t seem quite fair to her.

The look on Buffy’s face as she saw Angel again, the raw agony of watching him be tortured, the despair as he
was dangled just out of her reach. It was horrible. Faith had never been close to anyone. Except Buffy. And this
was the result of that friendship.

“I never back down on a decision. Girl had it coming,” Faith told herself and meant it, but a single tear rolling
down her face said otherwise.