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jesterladyficTitle: The Darkness Below These Dreams
by Jesterlady
Rating: PG-13
Summary: “But they filled me with hate,” he said desperately. “I don’t want to feel that way. Everything is about what the Kradin have done to us. When I charged I wanted to kill. I’ve never felt that way, not about the Cardassians, not anyone. But now I can’t get rid of it. It’s a poison inside of me. Each time I speak to my spirit guide it gets better, but then I have another dream and I feel it all over again.”
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek Voyager. The title is from Barbara Brown Taylor
The Darkness Below These Dreams
Chakotay’s mind was wandering again. He was having a lot of difficulty concentrating lately. There had been several times when he’d missed entire briefings by not paying attention and long hours on the bridge sometimes led to him being told information three or four times. It was becoming a problem and he wasn’t sure what to do about it.
He knew what had caused it, of course. His time spent being brainwashed when his shuttle had crash landed was all that was on his mind. He kept trying to differentiate his memories with the facts presented to him by Kathryn and the data from the planet, yet nothing made sense. Everything had felt so real and he’d formed connections to events that were more solid to him than the actual reality he’d learned about later.
Voyager’s mission wasn’t to be at war, but they often were. It made sense considering they were one ship in unknown territory, often seen as an invader or easy pickings. There wasn’t a week that went by when red alert wasn’t initiated and Chakotay found himself fighting for his ship, not with guns and fists, but buttons and orders. Sometimes he thought that was part of the reason why he couldn’t let go of his experience, there just wasn’t time, and every time he turned around he was thrust back into a warlike situation where it was impossible to keep his version of the Nemesis from rising in his mind.
“…we were able to nullify the effect…”
Harry’s words jerked Chakotay out of his latest reverie and he looked toward Harry.
“What?” he snapped.
Everyone looked at him in surprise and even Tuvoc raised his eyebrow.
“I just said that with the addition of the new plasma coils we were able to nullify the effect the old ones were having on the warp field.”
“Of course,” Chakotay said, swallowing down the fear that had swept through him. “I’m sorry, Ensign, carry on.”
“Yes, sir,” Harry said, still looking confused, but continuing.
Chakotay settled down but he could tell from the way Kathryn was looking at him that they’d be speaking later. He didn’t move from his chair when she dismissed everyone else, simply waiting for her to speak.
Once everyone had cleared the room she turned to him and leaned forward.
“Would you care to tell me what that was about?” she asked, enough humor in her voice to let him know she wasn’t angry, just annoyed.
“Just something Harry said,” he replied wearily. “It triggered a…flashback. The language of the Vori was very similar to ours, at least by the translator, but a lot of their words had very specific meanings. To us- I mean, to them, nullify meant death from the Nemesis.”
“I see,” she said. “How often have you been having these…flashbacks?”
“Too often,” he said, rubbing his temples. “Ever since I got back it doesn’t take much for me to view everything through a Vori’s eyes. Mostly they’re just dreams when I’m sleeping but every once in a while someone will say something or something will happen and then I’m just…overcome with the experience, feeling like I’m back there.”
“Have you tried a vision quest to try and understand what’s happening in your mind?” she asked.
“Of course,” he said. “That’s the first thing I did. I’m still working through the images, but it’s taking longer than ever before.”
“Have you seen the Doctor?” she asked next.
“He’s given me some medication to keep from having physical attacks and pronounced my brain clear of outside influence but the triggers are so random that I don’t often have time to get to the medication.”
“Chakotay, why didn’t you say anything?” she asked, putting her hand on top of his.
“You’ve got enough on your mind,” he said, concentrating on the feel of her hand without doing anything to reciprocate.
“You know better than that,” she said. “We’re a team, Chakotay. If you’re struggling with something, that’s going to affect me. I rely on your being there. If you’re not, that will definitely put something extra on my mind.”
“You’re good,” he said, smiling finally. “That’s exactly the same speech I would give you if our positions were reversed. And they have been before, remember?”
“Don’t remind me,” she said wryly. “Now what can I do to help you?”
“Just promise me we’ll never go back there,” he said, trying to wipe the images of dead people who had never existed out of his head.
“We’re light years beyond that planet,” she said. “We haven’t shown signs of either of those races being anywhere but there.”
“That’s a relief,” he said.
“Chakotay,” she began, then stopped. “What can we do?”
“I don’t know, Kathryn,” he said. “Maybe I need a few days to try and clear my head, understand my vision quest more fully, purge some of this awful hate.”
“Granted,” she said. “If you need anything, someone to talk to, come to me.”
“I always do,” he said.
They stood up and he gave her a quick nod before leaving and heading back to his quarters. He stripped out of his uniform, needing to get rid of every reminder of his experience. Dressing in the clothes he’d always felt the most comfortable in he took his medicine bundle and began his ritual.
“We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. Grant me the peace I require, the forgiveness I need to continue my life. Help me to forget the visions of my head and see with the clearness of my eyes.”
Chakotay felt himself fall into the vision quest, his spirit guide coming to him, a calm and familiar place. He felt a new peace wash over him, something he had not felt in a long time. He spent a long time there, speaking to his spirit guide, trying to understand the images of his vision quest.
Gradually he came back to himself and opened his eyes. He quickly asked the computer what time it was.
“The time is 2100 hours.”
Chakotay felt exhausted and he was more than ready for bed. He quickly gathered his medicine bundle and headed for bed, feeling slightly better.
***
He was standing among the trunks, hiding among his allies. Brone stood tall and commanding to his right.
“The new light comes,” said Brone. “Allies, attack the Nemesis, nullify the Beast, close their glimpses and may they never see the way after.”
Chakotay readied his Vori arms and charged into the clash, the heat and anger sweeping over him, until he could barely see. Tall, beastly shapes rose before him and he discharged his weapon. Pain burst on his left arm but he kept running. He would be nullified before he stopped. Something grabbed him, throwing him to the ground and he rolled with his nemesis, hands around his throat.
“Commander, stop!” said a voice from his right and he recognized it. “This is not what you think.”
“Tuvoc?” he asked, confused.
He looked down and recoiled.
Kathryn lay under him, her throat bruised. Beside her was a small child from the village, Karya, next to her was the old man, Penno, and Brone, B'Elanna, his father. They all lay, battered and bruised, some null- dead – by his hands.
“No,” he said and began to run. “No!”
“Chakotay,” said Rafin, appearing next to him, running. “Don't leave me upturned, don’t deny me the here after.”
“No,” he said again, “you’re not real. None of this is real.”
“That is correct," said Tuvoc, stopping Chakotay.
“We’re all here,” said Kathryn, her throat still bearing deep purple bruises, but her hands framed his face gently. “We are real.”
***
Chakotay woke, gasping for air.
“Computer, lights,” he said.
He looked around his room and there was nothing there. His heart was pounding and he didn’t let himself stop to think, just grabbed his robe and wrapped it haphazardly around himself, and ran through the corridors only a short distance until he came to Kathryn’s quarters and signaled to let her know he was there.
When she opened the door she was also in her robe, hair down and free.
“Chakotay,” she said, grabbing his arm and bringing him inside. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, finally feeling somewhat rational. “It was just a bad dream, I should go.”
“No,” she said. “Sit down. Let me get you some water.”
He complied and sat down, still breathing heavily.
“Thank you,” he said, accepting the water.
“Tell me what happened,” she said, sitting next to him.
He told her, not really mincing words. He was a very private man and that’s partly why he hadn’t told her anything before, but they were more than colleagues, they were friends, such a trivial word for what she actually meant to him and how close they were. In some ways they were all each other had. If anything ever happened to her…well, he’d held her dying in his arms before and he never wanted to go through that again.
“I’m right here,” she said, putting her hand on his arm and turning him to look at her. “It was only a dream.”
“But they filled me with hate,” he said desperately. “I don’t want to feel that way. Everything is about what the Kradin have done to us. When I charged I wanted to kill. I’ve never felt that way, not about the Cardassians, not anyone. But now I can’t get rid of it. It’s a poison inside of me. Each time I speak to my spirit guide it gets better, but then I have another dream and I feel it all over again.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Chakotay,” she said, putting her arms around him. “I’m afraid the only thing that will help you is time.”
He let himself hold onto her while she comforted him, a dangerous thing at the best of times, but right now he needed her more than he needed the safety of distance. He breathed in her scent, something warm and clean. Her hair fell across his fingers and they itched to touch it as he had once upon a time, but he didn’t dare.
“I wish time would hurry up,” he said finally, rubbing at his eyes, each tear a bit of desperation dropping from him.
“I know the feeling,” she said, pulling back, keeping his hand in hers. “But it just keeps on going at its own pace.”
“I’m sorry for disturbing you,” he said quietly, feeling so much better, mostly because he was resigned to his fate.
“I meant what I said when I told you I wanted to help,” she said. “That’s my job, Commander.”
“Right,” he said, tugging his hand slightly to get it free.
She wouldn’t let him.
“It’s also my privilege, Chakotay,” she said gently, then let his hand go.
“I understand,” he said. “Thank you. I think I can get through the night. I’ll still take those extra days off if you don’t mind. I think another few sessions with my spirit guide are in order.”
“I hope it will help. I wouldn’t turn you away if you turned up at my door again,” she said.
“Understood,” he said, standing and walking to the door. “Goodnight, Kathryn.”
“Goodnight, Chakotay,” she said.
He walked back to his quarters, his heart beating more steadily. He sat down on his bed and pictured in his mind the Nemesis. The usual swell of hatred filled his throat but this time it was not uncontrollable. He did not feel grief, he felt Kathryn putting her hands on his face instead.
“I’m going to close my glimpses,” he said. “In the soon after I will see the new light. My kin are here on this ship and though I’m far from the bones of my people, I am going home. I have a duty and a privilege. That is what is real.”
He slept the rest of the night in peace and when he got up the next morning he felt better. He spent the next few days in the same routine, communing with his spirit guide, telling himself what was real in his life, speaking to Kathryn when she stopped by his quarters, and, when dreams woke him at night, he simply pictured her hands on his face.
He would carry this with him the rest of his life but time felt nearer to him now. Soon he would put on his uniform and carry out his duty, serve his Captain, protect his crew, and get his ship home. That was real.
by Jesterlady
Rating: PG-13
Summary: “But they filled me with hate,” he said desperately. “I don’t want to feel that way. Everything is about what the Kradin have done to us. When I charged I wanted to kill. I’ve never felt that way, not about the Cardassians, not anyone. But now I can’t get rid of it. It’s a poison inside of me. Each time I speak to my spirit guide it gets better, but then I have another dream and I feel it all over again.”
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek Voyager. The title is from Barbara Brown Taylor
The Darkness Below These Dreams
Chakotay’s mind was wandering again. He was having a lot of difficulty concentrating lately. There had been several times when he’d missed entire briefings by not paying attention and long hours on the bridge sometimes led to him being told information three or four times. It was becoming a problem and he wasn’t sure what to do about it.
He knew what had caused it, of course. His time spent being brainwashed when his shuttle had crash landed was all that was on his mind. He kept trying to differentiate his memories with the facts presented to him by Kathryn and the data from the planet, yet nothing made sense. Everything had felt so real and he’d formed connections to events that were more solid to him than the actual reality he’d learned about later.
Voyager’s mission wasn’t to be at war, but they often were. It made sense considering they were one ship in unknown territory, often seen as an invader or easy pickings. There wasn’t a week that went by when red alert wasn’t initiated and Chakotay found himself fighting for his ship, not with guns and fists, but buttons and orders. Sometimes he thought that was part of the reason why he couldn’t let go of his experience, there just wasn’t time, and every time he turned around he was thrust back into a warlike situation where it was impossible to keep his version of the Nemesis from rising in his mind.
“…we were able to nullify the effect…”
Harry’s words jerked Chakotay out of his latest reverie and he looked toward Harry.
“What?” he snapped.
Everyone looked at him in surprise and even Tuvoc raised his eyebrow.
“I just said that with the addition of the new plasma coils we were able to nullify the effect the old ones were having on the warp field.”
“Of course,” Chakotay said, swallowing down the fear that had swept through him. “I’m sorry, Ensign, carry on.”
“Yes, sir,” Harry said, still looking confused, but continuing.
Chakotay settled down but he could tell from the way Kathryn was looking at him that they’d be speaking later. He didn’t move from his chair when she dismissed everyone else, simply waiting for her to speak.
Once everyone had cleared the room she turned to him and leaned forward.
“Would you care to tell me what that was about?” she asked, enough humor in her voice to let him know she wasn’t angry, just annoyed.
“Just something Harry said,” he replied wearily. “It triggered a…flashback. The language of the Vori was very similar to ours, at least by the translator, but a lot of their words had very specific meanings. To us- I mean, to them, nullify meant death from the Nemesis.”
“I see,” she said. “How often have you been having these…flashbacks?”
“Too often,” he said, rubbing his temples. “Ever since I got back it doesn’t take much for me to view everything through a Vori’s eyes. Mostly they’re just dreams when I’m sleeping but every once in a while someone will say something or something will happen and then I’m just…overcome with the experience, feeling like I’m back there.”
“Have you tried a vision quest to try and understand what’s happening in your mind?” she asked.
“Of course,” he said. “That’s the first thing I did. I’m still working through the images, but it’s taking longer than ever before.”
“Have you seen the Doctor?” she asked next.
“He’s given me some medication to keep from having physical attacks and pronounced my brain clear of outside influence but the triggers are so random that I don’t often have time to get to the medication.”
“Chakotay, why didn’t you say anything?” she asked, putting her hand on top of his.
“You’ve got enough on your mind,” he said, concentrating on the feel of her hand without doing anything to reciprocate.
“You know better than that,” she said. “We’re a team, Chakotay. If you’re struggling with something, that’s going to affect me. I rely on your being there. If you’re not, that will definitely put something extra on my mind.”
“You’re good,” he said, smiling finally. “That’s exactly the same speech I would give you if our positions were reversed. And they have been before, remember?”
“Don’t remind me,” she said wryly. “Now what can I do to help you?”
“Just promise me we’ll never go back there,” he said, trying to wipe the images of dead people who had never existed out of his head.
“We’re light years beyond that planet,” she said. “We haven’t shown signs of either of those races being anywhere but there.”
“That’s a relief,” he said.
“Chakotay,” she began, then stopped. “What can we do?”
“I don’t know, Kathryn,” he said. “Maybe I need a few days to try and clear my head, understand my vision quest more fully, purge some of this awful hate.”
“Granted,” she said. “If you need anything, someone to talk to, come to me.”
“I always do,” he said.
They stood up and he gave her a quick nod before leaving and heading back to his quarters. He stripped out of his uniform, needing to get rid of every reminder of his experience. Dressing in the clothes he’d always felt the most comfortable in he took his medicine bundle and began his ritual.
“We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. Grant me the peace I require, the forgiveness I need to continue my life. Help me to forget the visions of my head and see with the clearness of my eyes.”
Chakotay felt himself fall into the vision quest, his spirit guide coming to him, a calm and familiar place. He felt a new peace wash over him, something he had not felt in a long time. He spent a long time there, speaking to his spirit guide, trying to understand the images of his vision quest.
Gradually he came back to himself and opened his eyes. He quickly asked the computer what time it was.
“The time is 2100 hours.”
Chakotay felt exhausted and he was more than ready for bed. He quickly gathered his medicine bundle and headed for bed, feeling slightly better.
***
He was standing among the trunks, hiding among his allies. Brone stood tall and commanding to his right.
“The new light comes,” said Brone. “Allies, attack the Nemesis, nullify the Beast, close their glimpses and may they never see the way after.”
Chakotay readied his Vori arms and charged into the clash, the heat and anger sweeping over him, until he could barely see. Tall, beastly shapes rose before him and he discharged his weapon. Pain burst on his left arm but he kept running. He would be nullified before he stopped. Something grabbed him, throwing him to the ground and he rolled with his nemesis, hands around his throat.
“Commander, stop!” said a voice from his right and he recognized it. “This is not what you think.”
“Tuvoc?” he asked, confused.
He looked down and recoiled.
Kathryn lay under him, her throat bruised. Beside her was a small child from the village, Karya, next to her was the old man, Penno, and Brone, B'Elanna, his father. They all lay, battered and bruised, some null- dead – by his hands.
“No,” he said and began to run. “No!”
“Chakotay,” said Rafin, appearing next to him, running. “Don't leave me upturned, don’t deny me the here after.”
“No,” he said again, “you’re not real. None of this is real.”
“That is correct," said Tuvoc, stopping Chakotay.
“We’re all here,” said Kathryn, her throat still bearing deep purple bruises, but her hands framed his face gently. “We are real.”
***
Chakotay woke, gasping for air.
“Computer, lights,” he said.
He looked around his room and there was nothing there. His heart was pounding and he didn’t let himself stop to think, just grabbed his robe and wrapped it haphazardly around himself, and ran through the corridors only a short distance until he came to Kathryn’s quarters and signaled to let her know he was there.
When she opened the door she was also in her robe, hair down and free.
“Chakotay,” she said, grabbing his arm and bringing him inside. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, finally feeling somewhat rational. “It was just a bad dream, I should go.”
“No,” she said. “Sit down. Let me get you some water.”
He complied and sat down, still breathing heavily.
“Thank you,” he said, accepting the water.
“Tell me what happened,” she said, sitting next to him.
He told her, not really mincing words. He was a very private man and that’s partly why he hadn’t told her anything before, but they were more than colleagues, they were friends, such a trivial word for what she actually meant to him and how close they were. In some ways they were all each other had. If anything ever happened to her…well, he’d held her dying in his arms before and he never wanted to go through that again.
“I’m right here,” she said, putting her hand on his arm and turning him to look at her. “It was only a dream.”
“But they filled me with hate,” he said desperately. “I don’t want to feel that way. Everything is about what the Kradin have done to us. When I charged I wanted to kill. I’ve never felt that way, not about the Cardassians, not anyone. But now I can’t get rid of it. It’s a poison inside of me. Each time I speak to my spirit guide it gets better, but then I have another dream and I feel it all over again.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Chakotay,” she said, putting her arms around him. “I’m afraid the only thing that will help you is time.”
He let himself hold onto her while she comforted him, a dangerous thing at the best of times, but right now he needed her more than he needed the safety of distance. He breathed in her scent, something warm and clean. Her hair fell across his fingers and they itched to touch it as he had once upon a time, but he didn’t dare.
“I wish time would hurry up,” he said finally, rubbing at his eyes, each tear a bit of desperation dropping from him.
“I know the feeling,” she said, pulling back, keeping his hand in hers. “But it just keeps on going at its own pace.”
“I’m sorry for disturbing you,” he said quietly, feeling so much better, mostly because he was resigned to his fate.
“I meant what I said when I told you I wanted to help,” she said. “That’s my job, Commander.”
“Right,” he said, tugging his hand slightly to get it free.
She wouldn’t let him.
“It’s also my privilege, Chakotay,” she said gently, then let his hand go.
“I understand,” he said. “Thank you. I think I can get through the night. I’ll still take those extra days off if you don’t mind. I think another few sessions with my spirit guide are in order.”
“I hope it will help. I wouldn’t turn you away if you turned up at my door again,” she said.
“Understood,” he said, standing and walking to the door. “Goodnight, Kathryn.”
“Goodnight, Chakotay,” she said.
He walked back to his quarters, his heart beating more steadily. He sat down on his bed and pictured in his mind the Nemesis. The usual swell of hatred filled his throat but this time it was not uncontrollable. He did not feel grief, he felt Kathryn putting her hands on his face instead.
“I’m going to close my glimpses,” he said. “In the soon after I will see the new light. My kin are here on this ship and though I’m far from the bones of my people, I am going home. I have a duty and a privilege. That is what is real.”
He slept the rest of the night in peace and when he got up the next morning he felt better. He spent the next few days in the same routine, communing with his spirit guide, telling himself what was real in his life, speaking to Kathryn when she stopped by his quarters, and, when dreams woke him at night, he simply pictured her hands on his face.
He would carry this with him the rest of his life but time felt nearer to him now. Soon he would put on his uniform and carry out his duty, serve his Captain, protect his crew, and get his ship home. That was real.
